Ask for What You Want

I decided that 2023 was going to be different for me. I genuinely believe I have great clarity of vision and that I have great ideas, even if I may be too much of a #rebel for most people. I am a #radical , I am an #entrepreneurial thinker. I am also painfully #shy and terrified of rejection. Which means that the vast majority of my brilliant ideas never see the light of day because I am too scared to ask.

Are they really brilliant ideas? Probably not in all cases, but history tells me there have been a couple of real gems. But it’s not just ideas. I can also miss out on building relationships. My fear of rejection exacerbates my shyness. In my head I build huge, complex models of what might happen in any given circumstances and then I talk myself out of any action. And then the whole process spirals.

So how do I get out of this? I recently read Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations where I learned perspective. Aurelius constantly reminds himself that whatever frustration or negative emotions he might be feeling, these are ultimately the product of his own judgments or interpretations about situations, and so, as a consequence, things within his power to control. This is the key, I think. We allow our minds to become noisy, to react to all sorts of external elements and to allow these to spiral into all manner of negative situations.

Be honest, how many times have you talked yourself out of doing something because you create a construct in your head where you are inevitably doomed to failure? How many times have you pre-determined an answer and so simply not asked the question? And, more importantly, how much of this is due to you putting your own spin on other peoples’ reactions and pre-judging their response?

I would suggest that, for many of us, the answer is lots of the time.

So why do we simply not ask for what we want? Can we get to a place where we can say clearly and simply ‘This is what I want …’. Marcus Aurelius would say yes. He would say that we have the ability to calm our own mind, to pause and reflect on the facts without the emotions. This calmness, this peace will allow our own beliefs, however quirky and weird, to thrive and when that happens, we gain that inner faith in what we think and clearly understand what we want.

Finding space for calm is difficult in the modern world. Quieting our minds is tricky and so we do lurch from crisis to crisis, not asking, losing faith in our beliefs and then becoming angry and frustrated. It is even harder in the hybrid working world because we don’t have those informal, drop by moments for a chat to sanity check our thoughts. We are also more isolated which allows our minds time to over-think and exaggerate the type of negative emotions that disturb our calm. This is when we are most prone to become angry and frustrated. When get like this we tend not to hold anyone else to account, we just let it affect our judgement and perception and then we tell ourselves not to ask for what we want because we won’t get it.

To recover our poise, to look at our beliefs and understand that they count means we need a level of calm. We need to shut down those mechanisms that are telling us that we will be rejected, that our ideas are worthless because they are radical or impractical or just downright stupid.

Of course we should check through our thoughts before we voice them, but we should do this calmly and without applying the judgement of others. I am reminded of a quote I kept for years close to my desk: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind”.

What’s the worst that can happen? You ask for something and somebody says no. At least you know. And you never know, they might actually say yes.

I like to set challenges. Take an idea or a request that has been bubbling in your head for a while. One of those that you might have talked yourself out of. Examine all the reasons you have given yourself for not asking for what you want. Honestly ask yourself how many of those reasons are real, valid reasons with external evidence. Then look for calm and re-ask yourself the question having discarded all of the noise. What would you say if somebody asked you the question? You won’t know what the other person will say until you ask them.

Only one way to find out.

So, did it change for me in 2023? Well, I have learned that not all my ideas are genius, that if I speak my mind kindly and clearly those who care will listen and that I can take a no without my world imploding. More importantly, I have learned that calm and peace are great states and even better ideas come from these. And, yes, there are still things I want but haven’t asked for but maybe today is the day to do just that.

Only one way to find out.