ASK STACY: The Valentine’s Issue

(As a favor, we are posting a little early so you can plan!)

Stacy Phillips is often called the love lawyer because of her caring and nurturing nature and innate ability to pair people together. In her work as a family lawyer, she does not always leap to divorce as the solution. Sometimes, even when it’s not in her best business interests, Stacy will recommend that a couple and a family try to work through their issues.?

ASK STACY: If we feel our relationship is souring, what are a few things we can do to pull us closer and avoid separation or divorce??

My Thoughts: I'm a big believer in marital counseling, but it has to be with somebody who is constructive rather than divisive. Finding the right therapist to help you through these difficulties is absolutely imperative. Outside of counseling, I recommend doing things that put the focus on the relationship. For instance, try going on a vacation together, carving out some time to devote to each other. And try to do nice things for each other, even if it takes effort. That Post-it on the mirror that says, "I love you," can go a long way. Oftentimes, marriages get stale because no effort is being put into them. Like everything else in life, good relationships require hard work, attention, and commitment to make them last.??

ASK STACY: I hate to sound like a curmudgeon, but isn’t Valentine’s Day just a made-up holiday dreamed up by companies to sell chocolates, flowers, and greeting cards??

My Thoughts: Valentine’s Day has become commercialized, but that doesn’t mean the sentiment behind the day is not worth celebrating. Making special time for you and your significant other is never bad because it shows you care. Whether you buy chocolates, give flowers, or go out for a celebratory meal is up to you, but remember that simply going through the motions won’t work. It’s the feelings behind the gestures that matter. So, let your partner know how you feel and why they mean so much to you. The rest is icing on the cake.?

ASK STACY: What is the most creative way you’ve encountered to spend Valentine’s Day?

My Thoughts: I will leave the creative parts up to you. But let me say that caring is more important than creativity regarding love. Try showing your partner you care by making the holiday or any other special occasion as personal and thoughtful as possible. On Valentine’s Day, there are many pressures to have a perfect dinner, to buy gifts, or to send expensive flowers. All that can add up to a lot of stress and expense.? I would guess that most partners or spouses simply want to feel special that day, so do what comes naturally. My best advice is to plan ahead and leave surprises to the professionals. Let your spouse know that you’re planning something special. Sure, if they like to be surprised, then by all means. But I believe most partners just like the feeling that it’s been handled thoughtfully – in advance and not as a last-minute decision or, worse, an afterthought. And don’t just leave this kind of thinking for a “holiday” like Valentine’s Day. Sprinkle the year with fun and thoughtful celebrations of your relationship. Showing you care is a great way to keep the marriage vibrant and strong.?

ASK STACY: Have you learned any tips to keep the “spark” alive after many years together?

My Thoughts: I heard a couple's counselor say one time that love and intimacy do not equate to sex. There are many great ways this notion has been reframed, but the one that sticks with me is that there are many ways to be intimate and intentionally loving that don’t involve the act of intercourse or related sex acts. Love can sometimes be even better expressed by intimate conversations, sensitive touching, massage, snuggling, and many other cozy acts. These events and actions that sometimes lead to sex are too often either short-cut or ignored altogether, but they are massively important in a couple's healthy love life. The sparks don’t always need to lead to flames - after all, flames can burn out rather quickly, while embers can smolder for far longer.

ASK STACY:? To be honest, our children are one of the few things keeping us together; how can we involve our children more positively to strengthen our relationship?

My Thoughts:? I would be really careful that you don't use your kids as the only goal and focus of your relationship. This can easily turn those kids into collateral damage. And when they grow up, you end up staring at your spouse, realizing you have nothing in common. But involving your whole family in things you enjoy together is never a bad thing, whether going on a trip, hiking, visiting a museum, or cheering your kids on in a basketball game. The important thing is to do stuff together, rather than one parent showing up for one event and the other parent for another.? Teamwork truly makes the dream work.?

ASK STACY: What is the conventional wisdom on involving kids in talking openly about your separation and divorce? Are you completely honest with them and let them know what's happening at every step?

My Thoughts: ?You must remember who the adult is in the relationship and who the children are in the relationship. When you tell your kids you're separating and getting divorced, I urge you to do it together as a couple, assuring them several key points: You remind them that you will always be a family. Your divorce or separation is not about them. You will always love them.

But what they're going to worry about is where they are going to sleep. Where's their dog going to go? Who's going to take them to school? And you need to know those answers, which is sometimes difficult because when you've agreed to separate, you haven't figured out who's going to sleep where.

I would talk to a child psychologist about how best to do it. I suggest having a well-baby checkup. Take each of your kids to a therapist so they have a safe place to express how they are feeling. And if they want to continue to go, great. If they don't, just keep an eye on them. Tell their teachers what's going on in their home and tell the head of their school so that they can look out for them and give them some extra support.

And do not - I repeat - do not share everything with them. Don’t lean on them as your support. You are the parent. They are the children. Let them be children. They don’t need the added burden of what their parents are going through. Some parents have very close relationships with their kids, verging on friendships. Even in those cases, getting your own support system – starting with a therapist – is always a good idea.

ASK STACY:? At what age do you think a child intuitively knows what's happening or senses something's up with a troubled marriage?

My Thoughts: Children know and sense what is happening, even at a young age, but they may be unable to process it. And sometimes you have, for example, parents sleeping in separate rooms, which could mean something or nothing. And kids may think that's not like my friend down the street.

As a child, I came home and told my parents I wanted two daddies because one of my good friends had what I thought were two dads. It turned out one was a dad, and one was a stepdad. But because I adored my father so immensely, having two fathers would be even better. I can only imagine what my parents were thinking. I remember that moment vividly.

ASK STACY: I know couples' time is important for relationships, but isn’t self-actualization and independence also key to a relationship’s success?

My Thoughts: Yes and no. Let me rephrase that. Is self-actualization and independence healthy for a relationship? You bet! But a lot of relationships are not built on that foundation. Things tend to fall apart when one of the partners starts to self-actualize and become more independent than their original contract. Find the best in yourselves individually and as a couple. Find things that make you happy and fulfilled as a family. Then you’ll have the best of both worlds.

ASK STACY: For clients you are trying to keep together, and I know you like to try to do that, are there any famous couples you can point to as role models of marital bliss?

My Thoughts: In my opinion, there isn't such a thing as marital bliss. But there is such a thing as a great relationship. When we hear about long-standing celebrity marriages, which have been together for decades, it’s almost assuredly built on great relationships. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Gloria and Emilio Estefan. Pauletta and Denzel Washington. Each of these couples has been a great team for a long time – decades even. Even couples from the reality TV world, like Trista and Ryan from the first season of “The Bachelorette” and others from the franchise, seem genuinely solid as couples. Whether or not they are very much in love is left to them to decide, but the relationships outwardly are being promoted as success stories. Frankly, I’m not sure we should hold celebrities up as role models, particularly because we seldom have much insight into the true nature of the relationships. But we certainly can celebrate any relationship that has survived the test of time.??

ASK STACY: My husband and I need some homework. We know you love movies! Which films do you believe provide the best lessons in love??

My Thoughts: There are plenty of great movies out there that have lessons in love. Just turn on the Hallmark Channel, and you’ll find a few dozen – maybe hundreds – to inspire you. From mainstream films, I always love watching and rewatching “The Notebook.” There are several lessons in that film, not the least of which is that loving another human being completely is perhaps the greatest accomplishment in life. Don’t take it for granted.

ASK STACY: Do any reality TV shows about love tend to get it right in your estimation? What can we talk away from the many dating and marriage shows?

My Thoughts: I think what the best of reality dating shows prove is that people – generally – crave having a loving relationship. Is love blind? Are you going to be married at first sight? Can you find a mate in a month-long contest or perhaps at first sight? Love can be fickle; therefore, any of these scenarios are potentially viable. Some of the couples on these dating shows last. Many of them don't. There are many different ways to meet people; my advice is to give dating a whirl. But it doesn’t have to be on television. The pressures of social media are enough; do not add television into the mix unless you are a true extrovert and crave that additional exposure. People just want to meet their person and will go to great lengths.

ASK STACY:? Can you update us on your love life, Stacy?

My Thoughts: I have a boyfriend. But I'm not going to tell you what his name is. All I will say is that he is a sweetie and a very good man.

Please note: The content and views expressed here are my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, strategies, views, or opinions of Blank Rome LLP.