Ask Isvari: How do I help my daughter get better grades and test scores?

I have a 16 YO daughter who lives w/ her mom in Boston. Intelligent but not the best at taking tests and average grades. Doesn't see the benefit in knowledge. How can I help her be better at test taking and get ready for her SAT tests? Books, programs? Web sites?

I suspect she feels like somewhat of an outsider at school. Maybe its because I'm her father but it's hard to pin her down on the "whys". Maybe I should have you talk with her sometime. You're both serious dog lovers and both of you march to your own drummer.

Funny enough her mother makes a fine income (multiple languages, MBA) and yet my daughter doesn't have a lap top nor desk top. I'm shopping for one for her right now.

Like all 16 YO's she thinks her Dad has no right to try and guide her direction in life and she doesn't want to have deep conversations with her Dad.

How do I help her?

--Concerned Father

Dear Concerned Father,

I get this question more than you might realize. In the last five or six months, multiple fathers have asked me some form of this question about their daughters. How do I get her to study harder? How do I get her to succeed more at school? Why doesn't she take college or her job seriously?

And for some reason it's always fathers and their daughters. I don't know why.

I first want to commend you for what you didn't say, something other fathers have in the past: "How can I get her to be more like you?" If you're a parent, never say or think these things about your children. They can tell and it's a terrible feeling that demoralizes them further. You're also comparing them to the highlight reel versions of others, not the real people who I assure you have many flaws too.

But you didn't say that. You appreciate her as she is. You worry she isn't reaching her full potential.

Here's the thing: she's probably not. I certainly wasn't at my full potential last year. I was tired. I was sad. I was confused about what I wanted out of life.

Do any of these apply to her? Why is her mind too filled with other things to have the space to be her best self academically?

I recommend you ask her. Sit her down and tell her you have to have a serious conversation for an hour. Take her to her favorite restaurant. Tell her you'll take her to a movie afterward.

Start by talking about something hard that happened in your life and how you want to protect her from that. Tell her you think she's brilliant and you're worried about why she's having trouble translating that intelligence into good grades and high test scores.

Chances are a part of it is hidden in your ask: her mother and you are not on good terms and you don't trust that her mother is looking after your daughter well. And maybe she isn't. Or maybe she feels the same way about you and your daughter is caught in the middle.

Another funny coincidence I've noticed: three of the fathers who've asked me some version of this are separated from the mothers of their daughters.

Of course, maybe it is that your daughter is unhappy about being an outsider at school. Ask her why she has a hard time making friends. Does she need new hobbies? Does she know her own self-worth?

The second step is to motivate her to care about knowledge and learning. Do you know what she is interested in? Explain to her how her future career in her field of interest requires her to put some effort in high school now.

Tell her sometimes you have to do things you don't like to do, but if you want to have the money to adopt ten dogs later in life, there are some sacrifices to be made now. Ask her which sacrifices she is okay making (studying more on the weekend, perhaps?) and which ones she is not (maybe she really is never going to take AP Calculus and that's okay).

You have to show her that learning is important. That, even though they suck, tests and grades matter a lot later.

But show her that if she doesn't want to do that, there are other ways to use her talents. Tell her there are options besides college, but that they are difficult and often lead to failure. Tell her it's unfair, but that it is the world we live in. Does she want to risk starting her own business? Does she want to take a gap year?

Maybe she just needs to do more research on what options are out there after high school. (And on that note, thank God you're getting her a laptop. Every teen who can afford it needs that kind of research ability and freedom!)

If you have this conversation with her, I think you'll have your own answers on how best to help her. You should also ask her what she needs from you the most.

Which brings me to the question you actually asked. Are there books and websites to help prepare her for the SATs?

I really do think that question is almost beside the point, but my suggestion is to borrow/buy every book you can from Princeton Review, Kaplan, and every other SAT prep source out there and for your daughter to jump in and do as many practice tests as she possibly can. You can find cheap books on https://www.bookfinder4u.com/.

Tell her to just do the practice test parts.

She's smart and she can go back and learn the material on any section she's struggling with, but test taking is different from knowledge and repeated practice is the thing that helps most.

Hopefully, every dream of hers will be realized and hopefully she knows how lucky she is to have a father who cares as much as you do.

And definitely connect her to me if you like. I was an outsider for most of my life and would love to chat with her.

My best,

Isvari

Agree with this advice? Have any other tips for Concerned Father? Like, comment, and share below!

If you have a question for me, message me with #AskIsvari and I'll do my best to answer.

Isvari is an author, columnist, singer, and ex-physicist, who has a day job as a lawyer at the National Commission on Military, National, and Public Service.

Her novel, The Eyes of Mikra, is about a spy with amnesia who's figured everything out about the war she's fighting, but nothing about who she really is. Available, like everything else in the world, on Amazon.

If you want to be featured on her new advice series, message her with #AskIsvari!