To Ask for Help or Not to Ask?

Asking for Help was one of my biggest fears

?Let me share with you a few more embarrassing stories from the past. Growing up, there were a series of events where I asked for help, and it turned out badly. My elder sister and I wrote our WAEC and NECO the same year in 2010. The fees ran into about a hundred thousand, and our mum's meagre savings from working could not get us close to it. We devised different ways and asked many people for help.

The first was a very distant relative of my mum who lived closeby. He called my sister aside and showed her an envelope with a twenty-five-thousand Naira but told her they should meet at a particular hotel if she needed the assistance. Then we called a much closer relative of our father and asked for Ten Thousand Naira to add to what we already had. He promised us he was heading to the bank. It is 12 years now, and we still have not heard from him. I have many of these stories, and so while growing up, I made sure I kept it in mind to be very sufficient for myself and, as much as possible, never have to ask for help. One day, on one of the many nights I slept very hungry after my National Service year in Benue state and having no job, I decided to make a 40 minutes journey from my house to the house of a very kind woman who had opened her home for me to come anytime I wanted. She had been accommodating and had always given me money without ever asking her. So, when I covered those 40 minutes distance to her house on a Sunday afternoon with the intent to eat and leave back home, there I was, standing at the gate and only needed to ring the doorbell. But I could not. Instead, I headed back home in tears and anguish. I had many phases where I had prepared a text, recharged my phone to make a call or reached my destination where I needed to ask for help. But at the last minute, I overthink and retract. ?I have experienced too many people denying me help even when they could afford it or mocking me when I cannot find help.?

Letting go of survival mechanisms that have outstay their usefulness

Let me mention that our survival mechanisms as children and young adults were not always the best. But they have their ways of protecting us. Somehow, they worked. They might not be the best arsenals out there, but they effectively shield us from hurts and from opening up our hearts to people who would only abuse us and leave. Yet a time comes when these survival mechanisms have long stayed their due course, they are no longer needed. They don’t serve us anymore. They harm us. Harm our relationships and life. We should have to let them go. Even though we will feel naked and insecure, we should have to let them go while building other healthy behaviours, such as trust.

?My stages of development

My first stage was not knowing how to ask for help because of my previous experiences. Then I grew into learning a bit at a time how to ask for help, but with a strong intent to pay back so no one would ever mock me. That means I only accept the help I can pay back or have the firm intention to pay back. Then I moved to a phase where I only gave help. I offer my time and energy to help anyone that asks for it but readily turn down help or never actively go out to seek them. Then I move to a phase where I think I am right now, participating in this vulnerable path of giving and receiving wholeheartedly, and I believe there is a joy that comes with this. The joy of knowing you are in some kind of balance. To accept help as it comes and give it without holding back or expecting any in return. I have come to know that not being able to ask for help comes from a place of pride and insecurity, issues we have refused to deal with. In all these phases, the only difference was the willingness to keep an open heart. To allow myself to feel vulnerable and know that I am not meant to bear everything alone. That as much as I give, I need to receive. My biggest victory over this fear was learning the importance of this balance and how it helps us build great relationships with others.

The western culture teaches us that success is Individualistic

We live in a very individualistic society, and individualism is how to measure one's independence, self-sufficiency, and success. Many of our institutions have a very rich communal system where the extended families and one's immediate communities play an important role in each other’s lives, giving support and measuring success by the number of the family and community members who succeed.?These values are fast-changing, and one goes through the bouts of depression, loneliness and too much burden of trying to carry on alone. It does not have to be that way. Actively asking and giving help will enrich our relationships and make us value how important relationships are and how much support we can get and give to others.

Now, I do not wait for people to be good to me before offering them help I can afford. I keep my argument simple; it has never been about them. It is about me. About the kind of energy, I want to radiate.?I spend about half of my day every day giving help to people I know or don’t know, but that’s nothing because I spend about the same time receiving and asking for help. I think?It is important that we build trust and know that we reflect the same energy we give. Whether it is that of distrust or trust. In the last three years, I realised how much help I have received and how it has enriched my life. I also feel a great balance. Far from always giving of myself selflessly from a depth of fear of receiving in return, I can openly and gratefully receive. I feel happier; I feel like I am in this circle where everyone gives and takes, feels contented, holds one another and keeps moving. It feels more assuring than being a lone walker on a very, very long journey with no end in sight and bad weather almost always.

We can think differently

Some days you will meet people who will count it against you, mock you after giving you help, and outrightly deny you the help they can afford. You will meet people who will frustrate your efforts or make you regret your choices of ever giving or asking for help from them. But that’s not a problem. When people say they stop giving help because they had a bad experience, they are bitter. They never really learn from their experience. To disrupt a bad experience, you need new experiences. It would help if you met more people who make you keep your faith in the human race. Such people do exist. If your experience teaches you to harden up your heart, you have not learned.?

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?I still meet roadblocks in many cases, I still feel some reluctance in many cases, but at each roadblock, here is my assertion:

"I am never the one not to seek for help or give one once an opportunity presents itself. I am the one to keep pressing until I finally get a yes or a no. I am the one to feel deeply sad about my Nos and go knock on another door.?I am the one to make one damn good use of every chaos! Amen."

Sincerely,

A fellow wayfarer.

Please write to me at [email protected] for feedback.?