Ask a Guy: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?

I met a guy online.  After a few e-mails, we texted with each other.  His first text message was sexual and, being a flirty person, I responded back with some flirtatious banter.  By the time we met up there was no conversation, it was virtually straight to sex.

We continued meeting up and for the first 5 times I took it as just sex.  Not just sex, but really aggressive, dirty sex and sexual role-playing.  A turning point came where he started showing another side of himself.  A sweet, caring side.  He even cooked me dinner.

I can tell he lusts for me, but given the way this started out I don’t know that there’s a chance any relationship could come out of this.  I’m not a clingy/needy type of girl and I give him space, but if there were any possibility of this becoming something more I’d like to pursue it.

What are your thoughts on a relationship happening after sex on the first date?  Is sex on the first date a relationship killer?

Yes, a relationship can come from something that started with sex on the first date.

There are some guys who will never date a girl that sleeps with them on the first date out of principle, but the surprising reality is that that’s only a small percentage of men who are that are that rigid. For the majority of guys, what really counts (and what they’ll reflect on) is the way in which the sex happened.  That’s the real issue.

I mean, if the sex happened after hours of amazing conversation and genuine connection, that will most likely have good potential for a relationship.  At least, it would at the very least not hurt you and might even help chances for a relationship.  It would be looked at from the perspective of “passion” and “love at first sight”.

So on the one hand, if you went in there and had sex with virtually no connection established other than some playful, sexy banter and verbal foreplay, that will work against you in terms of being evaluated as a relationship partner.

On the other hand, if you established a profound, deep, meaningful connection first before the sex, then there’s a possibility.

There’s still hope if you didn’t fall into the category of profound connection before the sex…  But guys aren’t going to date you for sex.  Sex and relationship feelings are WORLDS apart for guys in the beginning – they are completely separate during the beginning of a relationship and then merge later on down the line (at the love stage).

If you want a relationship, I would encourage you to find ways to connect on a deeper level.  Let him know you…  get to know him.  Understand him, give him space to open up.  You can’t force it, but if it’s a possibility, creating the space would be a good direction to go.

If you want him to be more open with you, demonstrate openness.  If you want him to connect with you on a deeper level, demonstrate coming from a deeper level.  Not every guy will go for this (he might not be in that place), but if he is, he might just begin walking down that path with you.

Now you mentioned that you have some pretty aggressive role-playing and sexual interplay.  In it of itself that’s not a problem, but if you’re trying to pursue a relationship with this guy and a cornerstone of your current “relationship” is role-playing it might make forming a genuine connection very difficult.  Role playing is about stepping into a role or character… and forming a genuine connection is the total opposite.

Given the set-up you described, making a relationship happen here might be tricky.  There’s certainly no harm in trying though and I would say if a relationship is what you’d like to move towards, give it a shot and the worst that could happen is nothing happens.

Eric Charles