"Ask better questions" - an attitude issue among certain evangelist groups.

If you are active in different social media, or communities you probably have met these people already. The broadcasters that make big, bold claims that whatever flavor of process they think is the ultimate one, but seem reluctant to answer any questions as to why.

I don't know why some people behave this way, but I do know that it is quite common, especially for people in the Agile community and doubly so if they are from the US. Perhaps it is a cultural thing, or maybe it is because the Agile community have a general problem with actually being agile and open to discussions.

How it usually goes

The common way you notice this is when someone makes a generic claim like Mob Programming is the future of programming or if you don't do Continuous Deployments, then you are putting your company at risk. Both are interesting topics and if you are like me that you want to learn more about this, then you probably ask for clarifications.

In most cases the person making these claims share their experiences and you can have a very good discussion on pros and cons that is quite rewarding. This is what communities should be all about as it inspires and expands knowledge for all involved.

In certain cases however the response is hostile to the point of aggressive. The person do not respond to your questions, but instead attack your formulations or even you personally. Usually this is done in a condescending way with an attitude of superiority or even outright contempt.

These people also tend to be dismissive and they love to point you to any book or article rather than answering any question. Some even go as far as telling you to "go educate yourself" and don't even bother to hide their narcissism.

What is interesting about this that in many cases these are influential people that have like a small cult following that will get involved as well. That can make the situation feel like you are being bullied and I know several people that have stopped asking questions because they have been treated this way.

It is not you, it is them.

Just don't get discouraged because you run into these people. In some cases they are just having a bad day, in some they are just so used to getting attacked by people that oppose their view with the same aggressive narcissism. In most cases I would say, they are just people that are so used at regurgitating what other people have said to them or they are so narrow-minded that they think their snow globe experience is true for everyone.

These people simply do not have answers because they are unable to wrap their heads around anything that does not fit their reality or because they simply can't handle that anyone question them.

Unless you are being a prick and attack them rather than asking questions to learn, then this behavior have nothing to do with you.

It is all them.

Common signs to look for

There are patterns to how these people behave that you can pay attention to and here are a few that I have observed over the years.

• Dismissal
• Condescending
• Attack your formulations
• Personal attacks

Dismissal is very common and you will notice this very early on that they try to show how much more they know by telling you to go read a book or something similar. This should not be confused with people offering you advice on what to read to better understand a topic. This is actually a nice thing and the difference is when someone uses this in a dismissal was that usually is condescending or outright offensive.

People that do this don't want to discuss anything, they just want to broadcast their opinions and have people stroke their ego. Any questioning will ruin their ego high and they want you to go way.

Condescending is very common where the person will talk down to you as if you are less important. They also love to throw their experience in your face if they have been in the game for a while. They will also call you stupid or ignorant and they will do so directly in an attempt to bully you to stop questioning them.

They will attack your formulations rather than actually asking for clarifications because they want to establish dominance and bully you. This is done to try to humiliate you and to divert attention from the fact that they can't, or won't answer your questions.

The last step is usually personal attacks rather than attacking your arguments. This is usually done in a demeaning way by claiming that you are stupid, inexperienced and it might even stoop as low as attacking your beliefs, religion or race. When people do this then you know there is no point continuing any form of communication.

Ask Better Questions

This is a key phrase I have seen multiple times and to me, it indicates that I have asked questions they can't answer. As soon as you see this you can be pretty sure that the person simply is a poser that regurgitate what others say, or that they don't have the experience outside their own snow globe so they simply can't answer.

Master Suppression techniques

For those of you that have interest in the world of Psychology you probably recognize some of these behaviors as master suppression techniques: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Master_suppression_techniques

While it is likely that some of these people fall into one of the Dark Triads (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad), I would like to urge not to jump to conclusions too quickly. The world of writing is a tricky one and it is easy to misinterpret people's intentions sometimes.

In some cases I suspect that the negative behavior comes from frustration and bad experiences rather than people actually being assholes, but not always.

Fortunately most people are awesome

People in general are awesome and while it might seem that many of these aggressive and condescending people popup everywhere, just remember that they are just a small group that you don't have to engage with.

Look for people that you may not agree with 100%, but are more than willing to take any question you have and debate it with you in an open and respectful way. I personally admire these kinds of people where names like Matthias Orgler, Pawe? Huryn and Maarten Dalmijn are among the giants when it comes to discussions and sharing their knowledge and experiences.

Lift people up and share

I can't think of anything more important than sharing your knowledge and help people see that there is nothing wrong with asking questions. This is why it is so sad that people that behave poorly pollute the conversation.

Not only will this intimidate people from asking questions and to question things that do not make sense, or are obviously wrong. It also can bring the worst out of the people asking questions as they get frustrated or annoyed by the way they are being treated. I am certainly guilty of this lately and I will have to think about not getting triggered by this behavior so I stoop to their level.

I don't want to advocate that we ignore the loud minority that behave poorly when questioned, because we don't know what lies behind their reactions. I do believe we need to cultivate a more open and generous community instead of the negative and elitist attitude that seem to flourish at the moment.

Sharing is caring after all.