Asia

If you're traveling alone, you′ll have to rub your back with sun cream, just by yourself.

Other people don′t understand the framework you have in your mind, while they make you a picture. I mean, you can steer your boyfriend, but to a stranger you’ll probably say; 'thank you, it′s okay'. ;) Well, the other side of the coin is that you can sleep every night on your own in a king sized bed. And when someone whines too much, or annoy you however, you don’t have to adjust, you just take farewell; total independence.

So, you′re going to go backpacking by yourself. How did you arranged that? Through a travel agent?

No, I'm going alone, I travel alone, and I organize everything alone.

Really alone? So no travel tour who is taking care of you? No ... That's the game .. Total confidence in yourself, and in the lonely planet of course. ;)

But why don’t you go with a friend?

Because I can take care of myself. I’m a sophisticated girl, and I have the courage to take this challenge. 

Of course I was scared, and I’m able to reveal that. But my desire for adventure was bigger than my fear, and that’s how I proceed. I was aware of the fact that I was the most scared of my anxiety, and from an evolutionary point of view it is quite normal that I felt this fear, so I don’t frame it like a default. Fear can protect me, because ultimately that's where it is intended for.

Also, I had conscious equally practiced; Last winter I have been two weeks to Berlin on my own, just to do some experience and to decide whether I deem myself appropriate to travel on my own.

It was my trip, I wanted to do it all alone. I wanted to rely on myself, so I closed the door behind me, I walked to the train station and I took the train to Schiphol. I had to wait four hours before the departure of my flight. Where I took my flight seriously, I had taken my entire trip seriously. I created a preparatory document which I could sell to a tourist agency if I want to. ;)

I thought if everything is watertight, I avoid any unnecessary booby traps. Once at Schiphol the excitement increased. As a feeling of escape, I’d put a soothing pill in my hand luggage, but just the knowing that I had a pill, had already the psychosomatic effect that I get calmer. I talked to myself and said I had to focus on the moment, and the unknown adventure things that will come, rather than to focus on my physical symptoms.

In addition, the external fear was obvious, so I didn’t let me capture by the internal fear.

The way you talk to yourself, and how you interpret everything is quite important. The things you tell to yourself, is always the truth to you. That’s how you can learn to ricochet your negative thoughts, and don’t give any weight to it.

So I acknowledge my feelings, and told myself that it's quite normal that I feel this fear because I am conditioned this way. And I laughed about it, because my fear is quite legal. And that’s how I could deal with the symptoms, and how I could reprogram myself. But if I talked negative to myself, I would give my body the signal that there is a tiger right in front of me, whereby I produced only more adrenaline and negative feelings as.

So, to distract myself from my external anxiety symptoms, I spoke to a gentleman sitting next to me. This conversation confirmed my view of the fact that there is a lot of sex tourism in Thailand. Hmmm, what next judgment should be affirmed, my curiosity grew and I decided that I would prepare myself for the journey as an anthropologist visiting foreign peoples. I wanted to be curious and inquisitive. I flew with China Airlines, and I decided that I wanted to know more of this airline, so my knowledge of the world began to rise, after all I had four hours left. As is known, China and Taiwan claimed each other. Republic China regards Taiwan as a renegade province. Taiwan believes that they should really carry the authority over the large china.

This is a deep-rooted deadly serious issue, which became slightly less hypersensitive. But for an outsider this is still a little bit comical; China Airlines is in fact not in possession of China. No, China Airlines is the KLM of Taiwan. They were the first ones at the ‘chamber of commerce’ and they have been named.

Because of the end of the cold war is the relations between the two countries greatly improved. instead of war threats, they send each other wholesale tourists, so that’s great.

The journey began; I boarded the plane with, and the first thing I heard was Asian music, they gave me Asian food and they showed me American films. It seemed a kind of a resume of what I could expect the next eleven weeks.

In the plane I was pretty relaxed, once at the airport in Bangkok the tension increased. At the airport I started nervously on my to do list; arrange a Visa on Arrival, a Thai SIM card, I had to buy some medical stuff, and get 10.000 bath, buy a bottle of water, so that I have small money to pay for public transportation. After this, I walked to the airport link, where the tension increased even higher. I had deliberately chosen to go to my hotel by public transport, I figured out the traveling by public transport before I left: With the airport link to Makkasan: Get off at Exit 1, walk towards the sky walk (long walkway). Get the metro, go one station to Sukhumvit, go off at Asoke: Exit 3, get in the BTS: E4, to Onnut. Get off at E9 and then walk to Exit 2, turn right, below the bridge. Than cross the road, walk straight ahead, and after 5 minutes walking you’ll find the hotel. So my preparation was exactly, I was so proud when I arrived at my hotel two hours later, with trembling hands and sweat all over my body. So let's say, I was so happy with my good preparations. And of course I could take a taxi to the hotel, but I wanted to challenge myself right away, having my first successful experience, and therefore I felt a little relaxation in my body. On the other side, this was my first mirror; I challenged myself again, enormously. I wasn’t even traveling for a day, and now I had myself already encountered. My appetite increased, I walked towards the Tesco, and thought; my oh my, this smell, it stinks, what a crazy world. Then I walked to the Tesco and saw so many flickering lights, noise and chaos, which increased my doubts. I ordered food, and there were all mosquitoes on my food and it was quite nasty. How quickly would I be sick?...

The next day I had made a deal with the tuk tuk driver; if he takes me to the TIT and I’ll book a trekking in Chiang Mai, he gets free petrol of the TIT. Well, he was so happy with this deal and my 40 bath, I didn’t even have to bargain. But at the end of the day he wanted to bring me to a few decadent clothing stores. Unfortunately without success for him, because this girl was too well prepared and knew also how to convey this in a clear way.

I had chosen to outline a route for my trip, I also had a relatively short time frame and I chose to sleep in hotels. The downside of all this, is that you’re always traveling alone. Of course I met enough people for a day trip, but the next day I traveled on alone again. Traveling alone meant literally traveling alone, for me.

Rapidly I learned that backpackers are real unprejudiced and liberal people, who just do whatever they want. The contact is most of the time quite superficial, so I learned that I could never fully rely on an appointment. That’s why I always prepared a backup plan for myself, and that’s how I get never disappointed.

It surprised me that such a few people traveled alone, there were especially many couples and many groups, particularly British (these persons 'travel' is generally also with a totally different purpose). The first two weeks I haven’t met any Dutch people, and I loved it. It’s nice to speak only English when you’re traveling. My accent seems to be quite American, and that’s great, because then I didn’t get to hear ten times a day; where are you from, Holland? Ooooh Amsterdam! Weed!!!

As a traveler, you're always appointed to yourself, and you have to be constantly focused, because you carrying the entirely responsible. My preparation became also quite handy. I was not surprised by unexpected charges because I had downloaded the currency exchange app on my phone and I was aware of the 180 bath per transaction. I was previously familiar with the SOI, which a tuk tuk driver needs to know, so he can drop you off at the right place. I read the reviews of my hotels, and I tried to fit myself into the habits and uses of the culture, like the dress code of the country. I left my Dutch SIM card at home, and I put all the emergency numbers and copies of my data in all of my bags.

During the trip I became aware of the forces, and that make me feel confidence: My common sense, my intuition, my good preparation, my feeling for languages, my sense of direction, my talent for reading maps, my spatial awareness, my elephants memory and my social skills. That may sounds cocky. On the other site, it is good that you have confidence in certain properties where you can lean on. You are finally the main thing you're carrying.

This sounds very confident, but of course I was scared when I walked in the middle of the jungle and a deadly snake hissed around me, and then it repeated itself during a fun dive to 20 meters. And when I couldn’t deflate at 20 meters, I got up to fast, and the instructors spoke about decompression sickness. I was concerned, because 20 meters is not quite shallow (thank god, it was well approved). And what about all those big rats and bats. And when I arrived on an island, and came just by myself in a quiescent, ghastly hotel, and there was a massive thunderstorm who rustled over the island… Believe me, I felt like the protagonist of the movie: ‘I still know what you did last summer’.

Or when the instructor told me the first time that I had to dive at 20 meters, that I would do just as well? Or when the guide told me that I could climb from a tree on the elephant's neck?

…Indeed, it all began when I arrived in Bangkok at my hotel. At one side I was proud that I had found my hotel by public transport, but on the other site the awareness came at that time; I realized that I was truly alone and the worst-case scenarios raced through my mind. What if I'm alone in the North and I get terribly sick, what should I do? Alternatively, if you engage these fears alone, then you can imagine how autonomous and proud it will make you. And of course you’ll always be alert and use your common sense, such as when you move around. Beforehand I figured out how I get safety from the bar to my hotel, and I made sure I’ve always enough money with me, and I’ll do a double check about my passport, phone and a business card of the hotel.

Back to my trip, I was well prepared, so it was time to start the journey. After four days I took the night train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai, I was lying on a bed and looked out of the window, I watched the hills and the stars. I took my headphone and turned my travel song; Avicii - the night. I had a grin on my face and I felt intensely happy.

Once in Chiang Mai, I started my adventure with a three days trekking.

Physically and mentally it was quite heavy. I figured out myself, and the homeostasis in the group. It looked a bit like Expedition Robinson, like survival of the fittest. It was a real knockout and I was proud that I was have accomplished the tree days, together with a girl from Finland.

The second night of the trek we slept in a small mountain village. I have arranged that we let us massaged by some women from the village. We agreed that we gave them each 150 baht, which amounts to approximately 3.70 euros. A win-win situation, where we sponsored the village, and our calf muscles were able to relax after the long climb. The village had an primary school, I asked if the I might teach the children the next day for an hour. It was high on my bucket list, and I get the green light, so I prepared a class. The backlog in education was visible when the children sang the ABC for us. When I asked them to numerate the letters separated from each other, they couldn’t give us the answer. After an hour of inspiration we moved further into the jungle.

The trekking, it was a good start of my trip, I had enough confidence to continue my journey. I went to Chiang Rai, Pai, Laos and Myanmar, and back to Chiang Mai. From there I flew to Phuket. By constantly focusing I was so tired after three weeks of my fast traveling schedule. I didn’t want to see the most beautiful temples of Laos and Myanmar anymore, I wanted to experience them. I didn’t want to mimic the behavior of a Chinese by sitting on a swing on a white beach and take a picture with a selfie stick, and then immediately walk through to the next hot spot. No, I wanted to sit a quarter on that swing, and be able to look around me. And that's why I went in Phuket to the embassy to renew my visa for a month, so I could stay for 50 euros a month longer in Thailand. Then I went to Koh Phi Phi to experience the tranquility and the life there, just like in the jungle of Chiang Mai. When I arrived on Koh Phi Phi, I decided to ‘plan’ a week of nothing and soon I met some local people who took me to their houses and showed me the scrapbooks with the photos after the tsunami. One boy told me that Malaysia, discovered Koh Phi Phi. He said that Phi Phi in Malaysia means ghost. The night before the tsunami told his deceased father in his sleep that he had to leave the island. He left the island the next day, and he survived the tsunami, while many of his relatives and friends were departed. He also told me that the earth lines (energy lines) exactly intersect on the island Koh Phi Phi. Some people say that people on this island suffer from mood swings, and that people stay here often unknowingly average two days, and some people may therefore not even take a step on this island.

By doing it a little easier, I learned to experience my trip more. I've stayed even on and a half week on the famous diving island Koh Tao, partly to get my diving certificate and to make quite a few fun dives. But also because I realized a long time at one place bivouac, is more my kind of thing. I was therefore more open to meet other people, and experienced everything much more intense. I felt less alone and I created the feeling that I had when I camped with my parents in the south of France when I was like 15 years old. But this time not with Dutch friends, but with people from all over the world.

At the end of my trip I resumed my busy schedule. So I decided to go from Bangkok, with the local bus service for 7 bath to southern Terminal, to take the bus from there for 20 bath to Kanchanaburi. It was a hassle to find the bus stations, partly because the Thai people would like to help you, and that’s why they never sell you "no". The pathetic thing is that they send you three times to the wrong place. But when I arrived almost four hours later in Kanchanaburi, I saw a group of people who step in the tuk tuk, giving the driver a total price of 150 bath, who inflicted them to their hotel. Unfortunately the tuk tuk was occupied, he didn’t give me access to join. So I approached a tuk tuk driver on my own, he charged the same price for me, under the guise of; ‘yes yes, you have to pay for the Gasoline’! I was cantankerous, it happened to me all the time because I’m alone. So out of principle and pure justice to myself, I stepped on the back of a scooter taxi for 30 bath, which brought me to my hotel.

Once there, I was told that the Erawan falls, I specially came for, were still 80 kilometers from the direction. And while my lonely planet indicated that one day of excursion to the Erawan Falls from Bangkok was a great plan. It was such a decline, I was totally done with it. That was the moment after all those weeks, I longed for intermediate conversation, a sounding board, someone who just took over the responsibility, someone who could contribute me, by carrying my backpack, put an arm around me, or someone who asked me what I found of his intended route or planning. I was in the middle of nowhere, and I saw a family sitting in front of a cottage, who played Rummikub with each other, cozy and jointly responsible. I hate board games, but at that moment I felt like the owl in the tree of the Center Parcs commercial, and I would love to play that board game.

I wanted to go home. But I told myself; you're here now, you may feel awful right now, and that is quite logical, but what is your plan, because sitting down alone, with self-pity, you’re not going to feel better. That arm you want to feel around you, you’ll not get it. So I rented a scooter and I went to the bridge over the river Kwai, where I asked a girl to take a picture of me. We started a conversation, and I asked her if she wanted to drive with me to the Erawan falls the next day. That meant that we were not conditionally dependent on an excursion tour, which probably would be overloaded with Chinese people. By going with the scooter and to chart the course in advance, was an opportunity to catch the last bus back to Bangkok. Indeed, the bus dropped me that evening in Bangkok, three kilometers from my hotel. The driver dropped me off at a bus stop in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm. There were two tramps, or might say, two venerable guys laying in the rain on a folded cardboard box. I pulled my backpack open, and I divide some off my clothes. To be precisely, I gave them my pillow, my full moon party outfit and my outfit of the jungle trekking. Half hour later I arrived soaking wet in my hotel. I had to laugh loudly, I was actually proud of myself. But I confirmed myself in the less pleasant side that I know about myself, and that’s the less inhibition. Calm down girl, go slow, and don’t set the bar too high. The next day I undertook the same thing to Ayutthaya (former capital of Thailand), with the same consequences (of course). But my list was done, and I was satisfied. The next day I checked out of my hotel, I grabbed my backpack and walked past the bus stop where I saw one of the men sleeping in my neon green full moon shirt. I was on my way to the airport, my trip was done.

When I came home I enjoyed the 95 percent autopilot; workweek, weekend, and it felt a bit like a release: Always the same bed, knowing how to travel to work, and a briefcase around your shoulder is enough. You don’t have to be suspicious all the time, because you might get robbed or because people want to barter. And you do not have to pay attention if you'll get your deposit back, and you don’t need to be sharp to make sure that you’re getting the correct amount back in the restaurant. The relaxation increased. You know what to expect and everything is fantastic organized. Is that why I have met such a few people who were traveling alone? If you are a graduated and you have the option to travel alone, travel alone. I do not imagine you an idyllic mirror, but if you want to discover and develop yourself further, a journey offers you the opportunity. Keep your eyes open, consider, reflect and embrace everything that you encounter. It's cliché to say that you discover who you are, but you find out for sure your strength and your coping strategies who you’ll carrying your whole live, and you will remind yourself the journey when uncertainty equally strikes. Prepare yourself well, read on, think about your budget, plan the first few days of your trip to cover up any real fears, and go!

My memories are not at the full moon party or at the beautiful resorts, but at the radiant children in a small lost village in the mountains. Where I saw with my own eyes that the limited resources and limited choices, the happiness of these people not obstructed, on the contrary!!!

I do not think of the many temples that I've seen, but of the stories of the local people and the serenity of the underwater world. And I think of the fears that I have been able to put in the closet, and that I’ve learned to close that door. And I guess that’s my ligancy.

I am proud to confirm that the world is my backyard, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have any fears... The thing is, that I have chosen not to be guided by those destructive thoughts.

…I have chosen to be my own travel guide.