Not ashamed of failure...

Everyone globally was desperate to make the best of the lockdown. Yes, it was indeed a trying time to do the best we can, in terms of keeping safe, taking precautions, being aware, surviving with an economic crash-down and not to give in to panic. It was a time when uncertainty creeped in through every nook and corner and people had only one option in their platter - survival.

Many people used this lockdown phase to explore themselves. Confined within the four walls of their house, people were looking for ways to remain happy and use their time at home in a positive manner. While some took to cooking, others took to dancing. While some took to painting, others volunteered and went out of their way to help others.

One day, during the unlocking period, I visited my best friend, as there was something inside my mind that was piling up and I thought I needed to talk. I was getting pretty restless and felt the need to burst out. It helps at times. "I have a confession to make." I told her, with a cup of tea offered by her. "What is it?" She assured me that I can talk to her.

“I have failed somehow during this lockdown and I feel strange that I am not ashamed of that,” I blurted out.

“What do you mean by that?” My friend asked in a state of confusion. 

I was grasping for words trying to explain to her what exactly I meant to say.

"Why would you be ashamed of failing? We all do!" she reassured me, not certain about my emotions and feelings at that point of time. After the tea, I started talking, almost to myself.

In a muffled voice I told her without a pause, “I thought I will be able to do a lot of productive and positive things during this phase. Almost 7 months into the lockdown, I realize that I am behaving like a robot. I was unable to do anything constructive that will lead to my growth during this time.” By now, I could feel I was choking up. But she didn’t interrupt me and allowed me to go on. Her initial confusion about my statement on failure had cleared up.

She looked deep into my eyes as I continued, "Initially I thought I would do this and I would do that and so many other things. But I just fell flat all over the place. The unrest within me left me restless. Initially, I was unable to accept things that were happening around and within me."

And then one fine day, I realized that I perhaps failed to make the best of the lockdown. With my personal life getting all the more messed up during this phase, I realized that this was a trial I had to face and accept. While some suggested yoga, others suggested meditation. I took resort to none. Call me crazy, after a certain point of time, I took resort to going with the flow and find peace within myself.

I again, self-counselled myself. I realized that in a world where people were dying in huge numbers because of an unknown virus, were loosing their jobs right and left, were loosing their sanity, were loosing out on holding themselves together, I needed to be thankful for still being alive and blessed to be having a workplace with empathetic people around me.

I told myself, I had to go through this ordeal so I better do it gracefully. The cycle of time, if there exists any, is doing it’s job and I have to do mine.

While she was listening to me, she stopped for a while and told me something which I realized lay within me all along.

Have we not all failed in life? Somewhere, sometime? In school, during our exams? With class mates during a competition? With friends with whom we perhaps have had a heated debate? Have we not failed even for once?

All said and done, have we really admitted the fact that we have failed? To ourselves or others? We always associate failure with shame and we most often shy away from shame, and of course, are not willing to talk about it.

Well, failure like success is something that happens to all us. Whether we fail and shut the door or explore new opportunities, is something entirely for us to decide.

Humans have the tenacity to connect failure as a symbol of shame, associating it with loss of identity and confidence. We are made to believe that failure is alienating, isolating, and is associated with rejection. Fear and humiliation is deep rooted and connected to failure instantly. This is not only damaging for self-growth but can definitely erode the sense of confidence with the passage of time. Repeated reminders of failure can definitely lead to identity crisis and cause damage to our personality which again can lead to depression. It is mostly taken as a mistake which we should have never done which evokes the feelings of shame and guilt.

Being open and accepting failure actually does us some good. To accept failure and open up about it helps us not only to realize a thing or two about ourselves, but also enables us to recognize the importance of mental health. It helps us understand where we messed up, if at all we did and to learn to be happy with the least of what we have. While we have faced this globally, together in our own ways, it is imperative to realize that life is not only important but also uncertain at the same time. So to accept uncertainty and love ourselves is a challenge we must all face. We must just go out there and make the best out of it. There is a need where failure can be shared in a free and open way, without the fear of social and family rejection.

I often write stories about others but this time I wanted everyone to know my answer to the questions that were thrown towards me in different situations during this lockdown phase. My answer was short, crisp and simple, “Yes, I failed to remain focused and keep myself organized and I am not ashamed of that. It is just a phase and I am sure I will see through it. If I did not gain anything during this time, I had nothing to loose either.'

Be blessed all of you. Take pride in being you.