Articulate how you want people to treat you (and appreciate those who do)

We all have people in our lives who treat us really well and those who annoy us or might even unintentionally hurt us. We may instinctively know how we like to be treated, and yet most of us haven’t ever articulated it.?

It’s so easy to say, “I want people to respect me more” or “I want people to treat me better.” We have to be specific about what we mean so that there can be change. “Better” can mean different things to different people. For example, one person might like it when other people buy them meals and another person might not like it because it feels condescending, because they think others think they can’t afford to pay for their own meal.?

One of the forms of respect I prioritize is giving Acknowledgement, that is praise, gratitude, and validation. The more specific and detailed we are, the more clearly we can communicate our appreciation. People are more likely to believe that the message is intended for them, not just for anyone.

Before we could ask people to treat us differently, we have to be really clear about how we want to be treated.

For my annual Valentine card this year, I decided to list out acts of support I experienced to remind the card recipients of what I particularly appreciated.?

Here's my list:?

1. Texted me to check in?
2. Talked on the phone with me?
3. Invited me over to your home
4. Let me invite myself over to your home?
5. Shared yourself with me?
6. Asked me questions?
7. Listened to me?
8. Gave me advice?
9. Asked me for advice?
10. Expanded my understanding on a topic by sharing a different interpretation/perspective?
11. Sent me an article or podcast you thought I’d like?
12. Shared my work with your network??
13. Encouraged me to try something new?
14. Introduced me to someone you thought I should meet?
15. Gave me a ride when I needed one?
16. Supported a message I posted on social media?
17. Attended one of my book events??
18. Invited your friend along to my book event?
19. Said yes to my request when you could?
20. Said no to my request when you couldn't?
21. Accepted my “no” for whatever reason I gave
22. Advocated for me even when I wasn’t in the room?
23. Told me when I had something on my face or in my teeth?
24. Gave me feedback on a work-in-progress?

I also recount specific memories, like:

• Invited me over for dinner and cooked (name the dish)….
• Took a photo of my book when you got it and then posted it on social media
• Gifted me (name item) that I would not have bought on my own and yet now I use all the time
• Took walks with me in (name the location)...
• Encouraged me to write about (name the topic)...

Finally, I let them know how they inspired me, like:

• Be a good manager and leader
• Spend time with your family
• Make time for self-care
• Have the courage to speak out when things aren’t right

Sometimes saying “you're amazing” is insufficient. Some people think getting generic praise is actually insincere or superficial. I found people believe your praise more if you’re explicit about what they did that was “amazing.”?

Also, let those people who treat you well know that you appreciate how they treat you. Be specific with your examples.?

I hope these lists will inspire you to create your own list. The very act of writing out these lists also helps me articulate for myself what matters to me enough that I remember them.

After you think through what matters to you, take some time to acknowledge those people in your life.?

To listen to me reading a version of this essay, visit my Substack.

To learn more about how I can help you and your teams practice curiosity, visit my website.