Article 4: Linguistic Acts - Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions

This is the fourth in a series of articles based on my Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches. Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.

In Article 3, I outlined the?six linguistic acts Ontological Coaching suggests are involved in our #speaking :

? Linguistic acts for #conversations that shape our perceptions, being #facts , #opinions , #declarations

? Linguistic acts for #conversations for action, being #requests , #offers , #promises

In this article, I discuss facts and opinions, including testing your opinions.

Facts

When you assert a fact, the truth of this fact will depend on the evidence you can provide, such as agreed-upon objective criteria (my height is measured at 180 centimetres). The responsibility to know there is evidence is huge for your reputation and wellbeing, and no more so than when you are clothed in power in relation to others, for example, as an expert, leader, parent, coach, or teacher.

It is likely that much of what you notice as a fact is an opinion. We do this in our workplaces. We take our boss’s words personally or make assumptions about them; for example, taking as a fact that they are ignoring us because they think our work is shabby. As a result, we may feel resentful or anxious and take home that mood, affecting our family’s moods. If we had taken time to reflect and be curious, we may notice our boss appears anxious because they are under pressure with the latest cost-cutting program.

Totalising description

Forming opinions is a very powerful means by which we create our and others’ identities. For example, children attract labels such as ‘stupid’, ‘troublemaker’, or ‘gifted’. Parents and teachers can become captured by these labels, allowing the label to become the child’s identity, the truth about them. Narrative therapy calls this a totalising description, blinding you to all the attributes making up the person. I set out this process in Figure 5 in relation to Sam:

Sam could also be you, where you become trapped in an opinion about you without testing it.

Exercise 8: Fact or opinion

• Is there any aspect of your partner, child, colleague, or client that you may have considered a fact, but now see differently?
• If you now see it as an opinion, you may use the opinion test I will discuss in Question Set 1.
• Are there any declarations* you wish to make?

* I will discuss declarations in Article 5.

Testing your opinions

In Question Set 1, I will set out questions that Ontological Coaching offers to test your opinions, such as where you think:

• Your boss dislikes you.
• You are not a good parent/leader/coach.
• You are not good enough.
• Your child/colleague/client is lazy.

Question Set 1: Testing your opinions

Using the example, I am not good enough:

1.????? For the sake of what are you forming this opinion?

·?????? Ask: How does this opinion serve you for what you want to create in the future?

·?????? Ask: What purpose is served by you having this opinion?

·?????? Ask: How does this opinion take care of you and your loved ones/colleagues?

2.????? In which area of your life are you forming this opinion?

·?????? Ask: Do you have this opinion in all areas, or, for example, just in your work and not in your family or social groups?

3.????? From what standards are you forming this opinion?

·?????? Ask: Is it the standards of your parents, the school you attended, or a former workplace?

·?????? Ask: If so, are they useful in your current circumstances?

4.????? What true facts about past (or current) actions can you find to support the opinion?

·?????? Beware that the fact you find is itself an opinion, including by other people.

·?????? You may notice: You were asked to leave your last job by your boss. This is a fact, though may be evidence of a clash of personalities with your boss.

5.????? What true facts about past actions can you find to oppose the opinion?

·?????? You may notice: In all your jobs, except the last one, you received performance ratings of ‘exceeds expectations’ or better. This is a fact, though the rating is an opinion by each boss.

6.????? What are some of the potential consequences of continuing to hold this opinion?

·?????? You may notice: You are continuing to have moods of anxiety, resentment, and resignation. This is not helpful for you or your loved ones/colleagues.

7.????? What new perspectives and possibilities have opened for you because of this inquiry?

·?????? You may notice: You have been trapped in an opinion that does not serve you and your loved ones/colleagues. It is possible to see things differently, freeing yourself up to see if your current workplace is right for you. To help you with this, you decide to seek the support of a coach.

Exercise 9: Testing opinions

• Think of a person you have difficulties with.
• Write down three traits about them.
• Are these facts or opinions?
• If an opinion, test it.
• Are there any declarations* you wish to make?

* I will discuss declarations in Article 5.

Background facts and opinions

We live within a background of facts and opinions, some in our unknown. Our key task is to notice these, for we cannot change what we do not notice.

Until we notice these are opinions and test them, they are likely to cause us to have a background mood of unsettlement (Exercise 25, Article 7) and, through mood contagion (Exercise 23, Article 7), to create background moods of unsettlement in our loved ones and colleagues.

Exercise 8: Background facts and opinions

• Do you see your family or workplace as having a background of facts (for example, you have always had this rule) and opinions (for example, you cannot change the rule) that you find unhelpful for your moods? It could be that you are fixed in a certain way of being through your family background or how your workplace team performed in the past.
• If so, think of one small step you may take to change this behaviour, such as discussing it with your partner or colleagues or seeking support from a professional.
• Are you able to make a declaration* to take that step within a defined time?

Your core negative self-assessments

We can become trapped in what Alan Sieler calls our core negative self-assessments, such as:

• I am not good enough.
• I am not worthy.
• I don’t deserve success.
• I don’t belong.

These can lead to a background mood of unsettlement (Exercise 25, Article 7) and mood contagion (Exercise 23, Article 7).

Exercise 11: Your core negative self-assessments

• Do you notice you or a loved one having one of these core negative self-assessments?
• If so, think of one small step you may take to change this behaviour, such as discussing it with your partner or loved one or seeking support from a professional.
• Are you able to make a declaration* to take that step within a defined time?

* I will discuss declarations in Article 5.

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Speak soon in Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, Requests, and Offers

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Previous articles:

Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay

Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns

Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts