Article 16: Conversations for Stories and Personal Opinions

This is the sixteenth in a series of articles based on my 'Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches'.

Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.

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As noted in Article 14, naming a conversation is a powerful tool for having better conversations to address our and others’ concerns and to create possibilities.

In this article, I discuss conversations for stories and personal opinions.

If conversations for clarity are at the core of our way of being, telling stories about ourselves and others, peppered with our opinions, is what makes the world go round. These conversations for stories and personal opinions are the basis of our relationships within our families, workplaces, and wider social groups.

From time immemorial, conversations for stories and personal opinions have acted as information about family, colleagues, friends, and foes in our communities and beyond. For example, we may learn of others saying good or bad things about us, or that a disease is spreading from afar (seen recently with the spread of COVID-19).

We also engage in these conversations when we provide our explanations about a breakdown (discussed in Article 6). We tell stories we have constructed about what happened and why it happened. Within our stories are a range of opinions about how it should and shouldn’t have been, and how it could be, with our all-too-often reaction of blaming others.

Case Study 4: Conversations for stories and personal opinions

Referring to Case Study 2 (Article 15), Margi Brown Ash observes I am moody. She is at her wit’s end. Summoning her courage, Margi declares I am coming home from work very moody, affecting her and our children’s moods. It has become unbearable, and Margi does not like to see me this way. Margi asks, ‘Is there something happening at work? If so, let's have a conversation for stories and personal opinions to get it off your chest.’

After the children are in bed, Margi and I relax by the fire, our favourite place in winter for conversational intimacy. I start to divulge my complaints about George and extend them to my team?how they do not pull their weight and ignore my requests for assistance.

Discussion of Case Study 4

It is important for my wellbeing to divulge my stories, to get things off my chest. I am fortunate to have Margi, who will travel with me as I tell my stories, one who listens, engaging in a support-response (it is about the speaker: Tell me more), not a shift-response (making it about them, the listener, and their experience and expertise: The same thing happened to me). This is not to say Margi, as the listener, must not gently ask questions or offer ideas. However, in doing so, it is preferable if Margi is driven by curiosity and may offer ideas as one of several possibilities (Question Set 5, Article 11).

As I continue to tell Margi my stories about George and my team members, Margi wonders whether we should move into a conversation for clarity (similar to my internal conversation for clarity in Case Study 2, Article 15). This will move us into a conversation for possible actions to be discussed in Article 17.

It is the responsibility of parents and leaders to create places of belonging in their homes and workplaces where telling of stories and listening to those stories can occur, each participant taking care of each other’s core human concerns (Figure 3, Article 2).

Telling our stories in a safe place can help us move into more helpful moods as we work through the stories with our loved ones, colleagues, and friends. In doing this, we are likely to develop our own answers.

Exercise 41: Conversations for stories and personal opinions

• Do you allow space for your family members and colleagues to tell their stories?
• Do you allow yourself space to tell your stories, and if not, is there a person you would feel comfortable doing this with?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Before I discuss conversations for possible actions in Article 17, I will discuss other aspects of conversations for stories and personal opinions.

Listening to others telling their stories

Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don’t … Respect their knowledge and learn from them. It will bring out the best in all of you. [1]

We learn through hearing stories told by others, including reading books (fiction and nonfiction), watching movies, and going to theatre. I remember the power of theatre from hearing the words of Shylock in Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice performed in high school (‘I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? …’), and understanding for the first time the effects, both on myself and others, of not holding those different to me as legitimate people.

American psychologist Carl Rogers has an interesting twist to listening to others telling their stories, finding it worthwhile ‘if only in sharpening my realization that my directions are different’.[2]

Exercise 42: Listening to others telling their stories

• Do you listen to others’ stories with curiosity?
• After you have finished a conversation with a person who tells stories, do you ask yourself what you learnt?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Gossip

Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.[3]

Gossip is a conversation for stories and personal opinions about people who are not present. Inherent in gossip are opinions about others, often repeating rumours. Using the language of opinion immediately raises a red flag, as inevitably the opinions will not have been tested (Question Set 1, Article 4).

Gossip is potentially useful information, for example, about a colleague or boss, though we must recognise we need to test the opinions. We could do this by respectful questioning of the person gossiping or seek ways to interact with the colleague or boss to form our own view.

Information is seen by many as power, especially if we are the first to know. Many crave to be the first bearer of information.

Is it useful to have a reputation as a gossip? While it can be fun, when I regard a person to be a gossip, I press my alert button, if only to be cautious as to what they may say about me behind my back. When I engaged lawyers in my corporate practice, I became very disturbed if they told me about their clients. What will they say about me? What does this say about their ethics?

While learning of gossip about us may be hard to take, it may alert us to something we need to work on as a person, parent, or leader. For example, I may hear through the grape vine I am seen as stand-offish with my colleagues, or my child believes I do not listen to them. This will cause me to reflect on my behaviour and, if appropriate, have a conversation for relationship with my colleagues or my child.

Exercise 43: Gossiping

• Do you listen to others gossiping?
• Do you gossip?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

We can become trapped in our stories

There is a risk we become trapped in our stories, especially our negative self-assessments, such as, I am not good enough (Question Set 1 and Exercise 9, Article 4).

These can lead to moods of resentment (my boss should not have promoted Alec over me), resignation (I am resigned to stay in this job), and anxiety (I cannot do this task). A useful mood manoeuvre is to ask, ‘What types of conversations could I be having?’ These conversations could be a conversation for relationship with a parent, boss, or colleague, or having a conversation with a therapist.

We can also be trapped in our stories of complaining and blaming.

Stories of complaining

We can become trapped in stories of complaining, distracting us from what is really going on. When it becomes constant, it is not only harmful to the person complaining, but through mood contagion, it is harmful to people around them, including our loved ones and colleagues.

When we are trapped in a mood of complaining, in suggesting conversations for stories and personal opinions, we are focusing on getting the mood out of our system; let’s explore our complaining and then move on to a conversation for clarity by testing our opinions (Question Set 1, Article 4), having a conversation for possible actions (Article 17), a conversation for commitment to action (Article 18), and a conversation for relationship (Article 21). It may also involve mood manoeuvres such as forgiving and apologising (Question Set 3, Article 7).

Exercise 44: Stories of complaining

• Do you engage in complaining about, for example, your partner, children, boss, colleagues, or workload?
• If so, think of a recent example and ask, ‘For the sake of what did I complain, and whose or what concerns were I seeking to take care of?’
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Stories of blaming

Many of us become trapped in stories of blaming. Assigning blame is very forceful language. It is often our instinctive reaction. As with complaining, blaming can distract us from what is really going on. Blame is both externalised (I blame you) and internalised (I blame myself).

Examples of externalised blaming are:

• I am late for an early work meeting: I blame the traffic.
• I am annoyed: I blame my boss.
• I am tired: I blame my children.
• I cannot get my work done: I blame the interruptions.

Examples of internalised blaming are:

• I did not get the job: I am not good enough.
• My child is not interested in socialising: I am not a good parent.

Taking the first example, I may blame the traffic for my stress in getting to work and being late for meetings. In a lightbulb moment, I could ask, ‘Why don’t I leave more time to do the family tasks I have committed to?’ That is, I move from being trapped in my conversations for stories and personal opinions to explore the deeper reasons that go to underlying issues arising from my and Margi’s scripts about our roles at home. Not being able to resolve this through a conversation for relationship, we may seek the support of a family counsellor.

In the other examples of externalised blame, there could be many reasons why we are annoyed/tired/cannot get our work done, from unresolved issues in our personal and work relationships, to our physical and mental characteristics (we may be neurodivergent). Similarly for the examples of internalised blaming. These examples call for a conversation for clarity, asking:

• Where does the responsibility lie?
• For the sake of what are you holding this opinion? What purpose is served by you having this opinion? How does this opinion take care of you?
• What requests can you make to better understand what is going on?

Exercise 45: Stories of blaming

• Do you engage in internalised and/or externalised blaming?
• If so, think of a recent example and ask, ‘For the sake of what did I blame X, and whose or what concerns were I seeking to take care of?’
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Blind support of friends

When a friend is having a conversation for stories and personal opinions, we must be mindful of giving blind support, including supporting their stories relating to their partners and children. There will come a time when we are assisting them in becoming trapped in those stories. It is important we travel with our friends (see Question Set 5, Article 11, Travelling with another in your conversations), though this does not mean we cannot gently ask questions or offer ideas. It is always useful to ask:

• For the sake of what are you continuing to listen to your friend’s conversation for stories and personal opinions?
• Whose and what concerns are you taking care of?

This can be a challenge, and often our best course of action will be to suggest recourse to a third party such as a family counsellor.

Exercise 46: Stories of blind support for friends

• Does engaging in blind support for friends resonate with you? Why?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

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Speak soon in Article 17: Conversation for Possible Actions (Speculative Conversations)

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Previous articles:

Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay

Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns

Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts

Article 4: Linguistic Acts: Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions

Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, and Requests

Article 6: “Breakdowns” in our lives

Article 7: Your Moods and Emotions: your greatest teachers

Article 8: Your body’s role in your conversations

Article 9: The role of your scripts in your conversations

Article 10 Your Enemies and Allies of Learning

Article 11: Your Conversational Interplay (a recap) and Conversation Enhancers, including for Meetings

Article 12:? Our Conversations are the Foundation of our Family and Work Cultures

Article 13: Questions for Self-Coaching using Ontological Terms and Concepts

Article 14: The Power of Naming Our Conversations

Article 15: Conversations for Clarity

Footnotes:

[1] Bill Nye, executive director of The Planetary Society, at https://www.americaninno.com/boston/transcript-of-bill-nye-2014-commencement-speech-at-umass-lowell/ , viewed 17 September, 2024.

[2] Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy, Constable, 1967, p. 16.

[3] Attributed to novelist Joseph Conrad.