Article 15: Conversations for Clarity

This is the fifteenth in a series of articles based on my 'Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches'.

Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.

As noted in Article 14, naming a conversation is a powerful tool for having better conversations to address our and others’ concerns and to create possibilities.

In this article, I discuss a conversation for clarity that is at the core of our way of being. It is about:

• understanding each other and where we are coming from and getting on the same page about an issue and way forward

and in doing so:

• testing our opinions
• listening to the understanding of others
• speaking with ourselves (a private conversation)
• speaking with others (a public conversation) about our understanding.

In a private conversation, it is about clarifying our understanding through self-talk, self-dialogue, or self-reflection, as I do by walking in nature and art galleries.

In a public conversation, it is about travelling with each other to reach a shared understanding (Question Set 5, Article 11).

How many times do we argue with another over an issue and later realise we were talking about different things, or even different people? Margi Brown Ash and I experienced this on a walk this morning when I mentioned how gender reveal parties have caused fires and environmental harm (colouring river water). Margi thought I was referring to a person coming out as trans, whereas I was referring to parties held during pregnancy to reveal the baby’s sex. I became frustrated until the penny dropped.

How many times do we misunderstand what our partner, child, or colleague is saying or doing when taking time to ask a few questions may be beneficial for both parties, such as:

• What happened in that meeting with your boss/teacher?
• Can you tell me what you mean by your boss/teacher getting angry at you?
• Can you tell me what you would like to accomplish in our conversation?
• I’m not sure why it is important for you to stay in this work role/school sports team?

Private conversations for clarity

To be the best versions of ourselves, we must notice and understand what drives us in the circumstances we find ourselves in. To achieve this, we need to be alert to our private conversations that are always with us, interpreting what we see, feel, and hear, influenced by our conversational interplay (Figure 2, Article 1).

Case Study 2: Private conversations for clarity

My boss, George, ignores me. He never speaks to me, except to give me work, and then only to tell me what to do. I fear going into his office to ask him anything. What have I done to deserve this?

My private conversations about George go on almost 24/7. I do not want to burden Margi with my work issues. Margi has enough on her plate.

By chance I run into Beth, who knows about Ontological Coaching. I ask her if she has time for a coffee. We go to the nearby City Botanic Gardens Café. She explains it may be useful to have a private conversation for clarity, testing my opinions, and using questions offered by Ontological Coaching:

• For the sake of what am I having this opinion?
• Whose and what concerns are I taking care of?
• Has George always been like this (that is, is there an exception)?

Beth needs to rush off to a meeting. I have time to wander through the Gardens, reflecting on the last few months. I soon recognise my private conversations do not take care of my concerns, nor those of Margi and our children, for example, with the moods I am taking home from work (Figure 10, Article 7). I remember it was only a few weeks back I had discussed with Margi how George was a good boss.

I began to wonder if something was going on with George and ask what types of conversations (and with whom) I could be having to better understand my and George’s ways of being at this time.

Discussion of Case Study 2

Unless we notice and reflect on our private conversations by having a conversation for clarity, they can create a snowball effect, overwhelming us and trapping us in our scripts and in moods such as resentment.

In Case Study 2, I could have become trapped in my assumptions about George. In doing so, I may become trapped in moods of resentment and resignation, dreading going to work, and bringing stress and anxiety into my home. However, I take time to reflect and consider requesting a meeting with George. Another request I could make would be for a conversation for clarity with another person.

Mood manoeuvres are useful both to become aware of our private conversations, as well as to manage and learn from them (Question Set 3, Article 7). One potent mood manoeuvre is to ask, as I do in Case Study 2, ‘What types of conversations (and with whom) could I be having?’ One could be a conversation for relationship with George. Another mood manoeuvre is to walk in nature, as I did in the Gardens. As I wandered, I moved into a mood of peace and then curiosity.

Internal conversations occur in relation to our core negative self-assessments (Exercise 11, Article 4). I set out other examples in Question Set 10.

Question Set 10: Examples of internal conversations

Do any of the following examples resonate with you?

• My partner no longer loves me.
• I will never find a partner/a worthwhile job.
• Having a child will wreck my career.
• I/my partner/my child will never be a success.
• I can never find time to relax with my family.
• Why did they say/do that to me?
• I deserve a promotion.
• Why should I change my lifestyle because of climate change?
• These protesters should pull their heads in and get off the streets so I can get on with my day.
• I can no longer say anything without being accused of being patriarchal, racist, or homophobic.

Each example in Question Set 10 may be the tip of the iceberg. Taking the first example, we could be trapped in our private conversation that our partner does not love us, creating in us a mood of resentment. This may lie in our unknown, affecting our conversational intimacy.

Exercise 39: Subject matters of our internal conversations

• Are there examples of your internal conversations that upon reflection are not useful to your way of being?
• Have you applied the opinion test (Question Set 1, Article 4)?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Public conversations for clarity

Listening and being curious are core aspects of public conversations for clarity, assisted by noticing our conversational interplay (Figure 2, Article 1) and effectively using our linguistic acts (Table 3, Article 3).

Making requests

An area requiring clarity is where we make requests of others in our homes and workplaces. This also applies to making offers, such as offering to pick up our child or to take over a matter from a colleague.

In Article 5, I discussed how vague requests are commonplace and, when accepted without clarification, lead to unfulfilled commitments and unhelpful moods such as resentment, resignation, and anxiety. In Question Set 2 (Article 5), I set out questions we can ask to clarify requests.

It is not always easy to ask these questions, for all too often:

• There are time pressures.
• The requestor and/or the requestee are not in the right mood to make and receive the request.
• There is a power imbalance in the relationship, such as parent–child, teacher–student, and manager–employee (who may have just started their career), and the requestee feels uncomfortable seeking clarification.

It takes courage to make requests in our workplaces, not wanting to interrupt a busy boss or appear stupid. Though once done, it gets easier.

Case Study 3: Time, moods, and power imbalances

I am a young lawyer in a large law firm in Brisbane. I enter the office early on a Monday to finish an opinion for a client that is due by noon. I am stressed to the eyeballs as it has been a challenging opinion. I had intended to work on it over the weekend but had committed to travel to Sydney to visit my mother, who is in hospital. I am drained emotionally.

My boss, Mary, catches me and calls me into her office to give me another opinion to do. It is for a new corporate client. I am not familiar with them. She knows I am pressed but says the client needs an answer by next Friday and she is leaving for Perth later that day for a week’s conference where she is a keynote speaker. Mary packs her briefcase as she is explaining the matter to me. As she winds up, she turns off her computer, grabs her briefcase, and rushes out of the room. She does not ask me if I have any questions, nor give me space to ask any.

Back in my office, I rush to finish the opinion due at noon. I just make it. I am anxious if I have given the right answer in a clear and succinct manner. I had intended to ask Mary to review it, but I was too scared. I have asked her enough questions, and I do not want to appear stupid.

I leave the office for a wander along the Brisbane River to the Gallery of Modern Art. Wandering in nature and through art galleries are my go-to mood manoeuvres (Question Set 3, Article 7). As I start to relax, I reflect on my meeting with Mary and realise I am confused as to:

• the exact issues to be addressed
• whether I have all the facts (what is missing?)
• the due date, as I am always confused by what ‘next’ Friday means. Is it the Friday of this week?
• how important are the issues to the corporate client? Who within the client is to be given the opinion? Is it to be written for assistance of the person requesting it, or to be given as written to the CEO or board? If the latter, in what form do they do they want the opinion, for example, a PowerPoint?

I ask myself: Is Mary okay if I ring the client and ask these questions? I feel reluctant to do so as I should know these things. Or should I ask Peter, another partner in the group, if I can have support in this matter?

I have a breakthrough, realising I will become increasingly anxious and take this mood home to Margi and our children (Figure 10, Article 7). I must bring this to a head quickly and have a conversation with Mary to get on the same page. I commit to myself to check with Mary’s PA by 5 pm today to see if there is a time when I could call Mary in Perth to have a conversation for clarity about my task.

Discussion of Case Study 3

With reference to Figure 4 (Article 3), I hear Mary’s words and I interpret them through my private conversations influenced by:

• My scripts: I am a junior lawyer in a power imbalance with Mary. I am fed by a core negative self-assessment: I am not good enough (Exercise 9, Article 4).
• My standards: I strive to meet the high standards of my employer.
• My moods and emotions: I am stressed not only with time pressures, but with anxiety about my mum and yet another unfocused discussion with Mary, who was seemingly unaware of my needs as she goes about getting ready for her trip. I seethe with anger.
• My body: my neck and chest muscles are tight. My head starts throbbing.

I am experiencing a breakdown, limiting effective and competent actions. I am frozen.

In Article 5, I discussed conversational waste in the context of requests. Conversational waste arises from a leader making vague requests such as Mary did. There was not a common understanding between the requestor (Mary) and requestee (me) of the key elements of the request (Question Set 2, Article 5). This was not the first time Mary and I had had an ineffective conversation for clarity that affected my self-worth. While Mary may have thought we had reached a shared understanding as to what she considered I had committed to do, this was not the case, with a potential to affect the trust in our relationship and my morale, performance, and productivity.

While walking along the Brisbane River, I reflect on my breakdown and move into a space for conversations (Figure 8, Article 6), where I experience a breakthrough, making a declaration to check with Mary’s PA by 5 pm that day to see if there is a time when I could call Mary in Perth to have a conversation for clarity about my task.

Exercise 40: Conversations for clarity

• Are there any recent tasks in your family or workplace that may not have gone well?
• Was there space given for questions to be asked? Are there any questions which, if asked, you consider may have assisted (Question Set 2)? Are there any declarations you wish to make?

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Speak soon in Article 16: Conversations for Stories and Personal Opinions

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Previous articles:

Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay

Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns

Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts

Article 4: Linguistic Acts: Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions

Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, and Requests

Article 6: “Breakdowns” in our lives

Article 7: Your Moods and Emotions: your greatest teachers

Article 8: Your body’s role in your conversations

Article 9: The role of your scripts in your conversations

Article 10 Your Enemies and Allies of Learning

Article 11: Your Conversational Interplay (a recap) and Conversation Enhancers, including for Meetings

Article 12:? Our Conversations are the Foundation of our Family and Work Cultures

Article 13: Questions for Self-Coaching using Ontological Terms and Concepts

Article 14: The Power of Naming Our Conversations