Article 14: The Power of Naming Our Conversations
This is the fourteenth ?in a series of articles based on my Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches.
Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.
In Question Set 3, Article 7, I suggested naming a mood is a powerful mood manoeuvre, assisting you managing and learning from your moods.
Similarly, naming a conversation is a powerful tool for having better conversations to address our and others’ concerns and to create possibilities.
Over the next few articles, I will discuss several types of conversations.
Let’s drill down on the Why, How, and What.
The Why
A doctor tells you that you have influenza. You know what this means and what you must do to get well.
Margi tells me we need to have a conversation for clarity about an issue. Immediately I know we are not on the same page, and it is important for Margi that we address this as soon as possible.
I tell my boss we need to have a conversation for relationship. We both know what this means, and they know it is important for me to address our relationship as soon as possible.
The language of these conversations can be used in teams. For example, conversations for coordination of action provide a must-use framework for successful outcomes for tasks, including substantial projects.
The How and What
Your conversations fall into two overarching categories:
Private conversations
You engage in private conversations, sometimes called self-talk, self-dialogue, or self-reflection.
You will have private conversations in response to hearing words. With reference to Figure 4 (Article 3), your private conversations interpret your hearing, affected by your scripts, standards, moods and emotions, and body. You speak from your interpretation to others; that is, you have a public conversation. These private conversations interpreting the words you hear may take a nanosecond and occur in your unknown.
Your private conversations will also be informed by how you interpret the body language of the person speaking and the circumstances and space where the words are spoken.
My preferred places for my private conversations are in nature, inspired by the flora and fauna, and in art galleries, inspired by the art.
Many private conversations can be looked at as conversations for clarity around a breakdown (Exercise 16, Article 6), where we ask ourselves:
You will be having private conversations in response to the self-coaching questions, exercises, and case studies in these articles.
While private conversations are inevitable and occur 24/7, our greatest learning comes from public conversations, what I call, in Question Set 5 (Article 11), ‘travelling with another in our conversations’.
Public conversations
Except in our conversations for clarity and conversations for stories and personal opinions, in these articles, I will focus on our public conversations, though recognising all conversations involve having private conversations.
Introduction
I will discuss the following thirteen conversations[1]:
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Our public conversations are infused with conversations for stories and personal opinions, where we engage in telling stories and giving our opinions. We may become trapped in our stories, such as My boss does not like me, and continue to complain about them. This could lead us into resentment. An important mood manoeuvre (Question Set 3, Article 7) is to have a conversation for clarity. This may lead to seeing other possibilities in our relationship with our boss, and we could move into a conversation for a possible conversation, such as asking our boss if we could have a coffee to discuss our relationship, that is, have a conversation for relationship.
The six linguistic acts (Table 3, Article 3) involved in our speaking go to the essence of how we get things done in our family and workplace. Making effective requests (Question Set 2, Article 5), and ensuring all relevant parties are on the same page, are core family and business practices, going to the well-being of all participants. This involves having a conversation for clarity combined with a conversation for commitment to action.
A conversation for clarity and conversation for commitment to action are the foundations for conversations for coordination of action. Once action starts, it is useful for check-ins to occur as part of managing the commitment, ensuring there are no surprises. If there are no check-ins, the parties will assume the actions are going to plan, including time-frame. On completion of the task, the person requesting the task will declare its completion. These steps are called conversations for progress and completion.?
When the task is fulfilled, it is best practice to have conversations resulting from assessments of a task. These are conversations for accomplishment and conversations for appreciation. Where a task is not fulfilled satisfactorily, best practice is to have conversations for accountability.
To generate ideas as to what is possible in our families and workplaces, we have conversations for possible actions (speculative conversations).
Given the competitive nature of our society, I will also discuss conversations for competition.
Exercise 38: Private and public conversations
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Speak soon in Article 15: Conversations for Clarity
Previous articles:
Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay
Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns
Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts
Article 4: Linguistic Acts: Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions
Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, and Requests
Article 6: “Breakdowns” in our lives
Article 7: Your Moods and Emotions: your greatest teachers
Article 8: Your body’s role in your conversations
Article 9: The role of your scripts in your conversations
Article 10 Your Enemies and Allies of Learning
Article 11: Your Conversational Interplay (a recap) and Conversation Enhancers, including for Meetings
Article 12:? Our Conversations are the Foundation of our Family and Work Cultures
Article 13: Questions for Self-Coaching using Ontological Terms and Concepts
Footnotes:
[1] My naming and discussion have been informed by the work of Alan Sieler. See his four volumes of Coaching to the Human Soul Coaching to the Human Soul, Ontological Coaching and Deep Change, Volume 1, 2003; Volume 2, 2007; Volume 3, 2012; Volume 4, 2019. Most of these conversations are named in Figure 30, Volume 1, p. 255