The Art of Validation

In life and our relationships, one of the things we want most from the people around us is to feel heard and understood. Yet we often feel just the opposite! And miscommunications and relationship problems abound.

To really hear someone, we have to listen and then validate what we have heard them say.

While this may sound simple and obvious, it seems to be consistently one of the least attended-to parts of relationships.? With technology and distractions of every kind, many of us find it hard to slow down and really attend to the person we are trying to connect with, whether it be at work or school, a friend or a family member.?

Listen

The first part is, of course, listening!?Putting down your phone, shutting off the TV/computer, and giving the person you are trying to connect with your undivided attention.?

Validate

Then, move on to validating what you have heard. Validating is the simple act of acknowledging another person’s experiences without judging them (invalidating them).? Validation is the art of letting a person know not only that you heard what they have to say, but that you have also found a part of what they said that you can connect with or understand.

Validating does not mean that you have to agree with the other person’s thoughts or feelings, that’s a major misunderstanding about validation and a barrier for people to actually engage in validation strategies.?

Validating someone is simply acknowledging how they feel and letting them know you’re not going to tell them to stop feeling that way. When you validate someone, you let them know there is some truth to what they are saying, and it’s OK for them to be thinking/feeling it.

The power of validating is that it goes?a long way toward helping the person you are trying to connect with to be more open and communicative. Maybe you need to ask for something.? Maybe you need to address something that feels unresolved. Maybe you are just trying to improve a new relationship or repair one that has suffered some damage done to it.

By validating what you hear through your words, attitude, and tone, you can lower defensiveness and invite the other person further into a conversation. Doing so will likely set the stage for them to really hear and validate your feelings, even if they don’t agree.?

How to Validate

So, how do you validate? There are an infinite number of ways you can validate someone’s experience, from small examples, like making eye contact and staying off your phone when they are speaking, to larger statements, like sharing a deep moment without even the need to talk. In the middle, you can practice by saying things like:

“I understand that you feel ________ and it makes sense to me because you’ve said _______ in the past.”

This sentence shows that you heard what they have to say (reflecting back to them what you heard them say they feel) and that, based on their own history, you understand how they got to that feeling. Another example is to connect it back to yourself, like this:

“I get it, because if someone had done _______ to me, I would also feel ________.”

Again, you’re showing that you really listened to what happened to the other person by repeating it, and you’re identifying with it.

The upside of tempering your judgment and opinions and trying to instead validate what you have heard another person say is that you can have conversations where you learn more about the other person. In learning more, you can identify ways to be helpful or connect more deeply. You will also create an environment of caring and respect, which will go a long way towards improving the quality of your relationships, whether they be with peers or family members.??

Carrie Wilkens, PhD

CO-FOUNDER AND CLINICAL DIRECTOR, Center for Motivation & Change

Additional Specialization: Certified in Prolonged Exposure (PE), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, Unified Protocol for Transdiagnostic Treatment of Emotional Disorders (UP) Developer and Trainer: Invitation to Change Approach

Carrie Wilkens, Ph.D., is the Co-Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Motivation and Change a group of clinicians in NYC, Long Island, Washington, DC, and San Diego, CA who specialize in the treatment of substance use/compulsive behavior disorders and trauma using a variety of evidence-based treatments. She co-founded CMC: Berkshires, a private, inpatient/residential program employing the same treatment approaches in Massachusetts. She co-authored an award-winning book, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, —a practical guide for families dealing with substance problems in a loved one, and The Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family and Friends: Evidence-Based Skills to Help a Loved-One Make Positive Change. She is also President of the CMC: Foundation for Change, a not-for-profit with the mission of improving the dissemination of evidence-based ideas and strategies to professionals and loved ones of persons struggling with substance use. Dr. Wilkens has been a Project Director on a large federally-funded Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) grant addressing the problems associated with binge drinking among college students. She is regularly sought out by the media to discuss issues related to substance use disorders and has been on the CBS Morning Show, Katie Couric Show, and Fox News and frequent NPR segments. She is also in the HBO documentary Risky Drinking.