The art of subtle bullying and how it affects you

Bullying comes in many forms and at various pay grades.?There is a misconception that bullying is explicit but it’s mostly rather subtle, passing unnoticed by others and under the radar.?

In a previous blog, I unpack the Many faces of bullying, especially in the workplace where power and fear turn self-confident employees into unsure individuals suffering from emotional damage. If you are the victim of bullying behaviour, no matter how subtle, it can make you physically ill whilst you lose your voice, confidence and your sense of self.

Bullying is abuse

Bullying is a deliberate act with the purpose of harming another – either through using power to instil fear, victimisation, or harassment. A bully (male or female) gains power in a relationship by reducing another’s and shows little regard for the consequences to a victim’s health or well-being.

Masked with a charming demeanour and a caring persona the bully is adept at reading people, using flaws and insecurities in others to find the gaps to manipulate and control behaviour for their own personal gain by using a variety of subtle emotional and psychological means, stimulating the experience of power.

But remember bullies diminish others in an attempt to raise themselves up, and through their behaviour, their own feelings of inadequacy remain hidden.

?Subtle workplace bullying includes:

-??????Silent treatment

-??????Concealing the truth or withholding information

-??????Refusing to help or intervene when asked

-??????Not responding to attempts to communicate (phone calls, emails, meeting requests)

-??????Intentional exclusions in conversations, meetings or praise

-??????Cutting you off while you’re talking

-??????Keeping you out of the loop of work-related social events

-??????Deliberately delaying and blocking progress

-??????Taking credit

-??????Unwarranted?criticism

-??????Playing employees against each other

-??????Unrealistic expectations that set you up for failure

-??????Blame shifting

Bullying is not one single event or action but rather a pattern over a long period of time of emotional and psychological manipulation that is hard to prove. Since it’s so difficult to detect and provide evidence for, the victim loses their spark, and sense of self, increasing distress, anxiety, depression, fatigue and difficulty sleeping.?

When being bullied we internalise the actions of the aggressor and become self-critical, trying to understand the reasons for the behaviour and eventually blame ourselves or criticise ourselves instead of recognising the behaviour as deliberate manipulation. We try to change, work harder or think of creative ways to circumnavigate the situation however only end up questioning our own worth, values and sense of self which in turn has an enormous impact on our mental and physical health.

WATCH: How to have difficult conversations

Why does bullying exist?

You are (very) good at what you do –You might gain a lot of recognition for your work, have traits of tenacity, strong-mindedness, confidence and creativity, and manage to complete projects at a more efficient pace and timeframe than others.?if you are a very capable person the bully could consciously or unconsciously, perceive you as a threat to their own competence.?

You have a knack for people – if colleagues naturally gravitate to you and you are well-liked at work, the bully might fear you are threatening their popularity status. Don’t be fooled that only softspoken or introverts are targets.

You are a good person – people who are caring, honest, ethical and collaborative are targets of bullies who fear that they might take away their power. Bullies want to be in charge and keep control, leaving team players, whistle-blowers, or those who help others, open for intimidation.

You don’t like drama - people who are typically nice and get along with pretty much everyone – seeking teamwork, harmony and comprise, not competition – are singled out by bullies for their ability to work towards a common goal, not for self-gratification.

Prejudice against “you” – some are targets due to being physically different (age, gender, race, sexual preference or religion), disability or medical condition.

Addressing subtle bullying

Play within the lines. Read between the lines.

o??Know the policies related to bullying in your organisation and know how the law protects you. Read this interesting Business Tech article

o??Although subtle bullying is not clearly covered in the code and law, make sure you keep your side clean. You will not win by breaking the rules by being passive-aggressive or absent from work.

?Make your point

o??Call bullying behaviour out and request a meeting. Take a trusted colleague or HR representative with you if need be.

o??Be assertive. Learn how to by reading my latest blog on the subject.

o??Always follow up with an email to clarify what was said and decided in the meeting, creating a paper trail to prevent misunderstanding or reconstruction of what was said during a meeting.

Be open-minded

The aim of starting the dialogue on bullying behaviour is for you to stop suffering. However, keep in mind that the person you perceive as a bully, may not be a bully, or deliberate in their actions. They may be unaware of their actions and how it comes across. Perhaps, they think the issue is not important, that you overreact, or perhaps they just do not have the insight and emotional and social intelligence to know how it affects you. If you start the process, you create the opportunity to clear the air, remove misunderstandings, and help both yourself and the “perpetrator” by making them aware of the impact of their behaviour.

Take stock

As with a game of tennis we need to aim and hit the balls and keep them in the air. If you are completely exhausted, maybe it is not only a matter of trying to keep too many balls in the air but also that there are too many balls on your side of the court which do not belong there such as other people’s slack which you are picking up, other’s lack of social skills and insight and all those subtle bullying balls. Perhaps it’s time to change from winning the game to calling it a deuce before you gently bat the balls back which do not belong on your side of the court.

Don’t lose your self-confidence

Recognise that the bully’s behaviour, as destructive as it is, is a reflection of their own insecurities, incompetence and shame. Don’t give them the power to break you, control you or lose your voice. Confront the bully in the moment by gently and non-threatening asking them what they meant by that statement, why they did not include you in the work social invite or took the credit. Don’t wait until things have blown over, only to dig them back up again with no hard evidence and a waning self-confidence.