The Art of Setting Boundaries and Prioritising Self-Care

Overcoming the guilt of saying “no” and embracing “Self-First is not Selfish”?

The Frustration around Self-Care and Boundaries

Do you feel guilty at times when you need to say “no”? Do you often think your need for alone time is being selfish? If so, then you are human and this blog is worth a read! In fact, grab yourself a nice drink/snack and sit outside if you can while you read this. Yes, that counts as a “fast-charge” in the self-care world (more on that below).

In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to neglect our own needs in favour of professional and personal obligations. However, research tells us time and again that taking the time to set boundaries and prioritise self-care is crucial for maintaining our mental, emotional, and physical health. It doesn’t help that everywhere you look companies and individuals are touting the importance of self-care, but you are not seeing any significant behavioural shift toward really embracing that fact. It seems like lip-service…

Hopefully the blog and downloadable resources below will help you discover your ownership and get on your own journey, regardless of others actions.

Self-first is NOT selfish

Read that again because this is a mantra of RADICAL self-care I encourage you to repeat to yourself daily until you begin believing it. In fact, self-care is recognised in the medical field as a proven way to improve health conditions and is defined as the practice of engaging in activities that maintain and improve your health, and actively manage illness when it occurs (Mental Health First Aid England). Radical self-care is flipping the script from “I will care for myself after everyone else’s needs have been met” to “I will care for myself SO I CAN care and support others”.

Visually, it is not the “empty cup” we often hear about, but rather it is the champagne glass at the top of the champagne tower that needs to be constantly full so it consistently fills the glasses below it with its generous overflow. It is an abundancy mindset v/s a scarcity mindset.

You give yourself so you can give to others. The more you have, the more you can then give.

Self-care is also more than just indulging in occasional treats; it's about establishing regular routines that support your overall wellbeing. Whether it’s taking time for a long walk in nature, getting 8hrs of sleep, or taking a 10min walk outside or a quick chat on the phone to your friend to vent some emotions. Self-care should be a non-negotiable part of your life. For those of us who can’t take a long walk or bubble bath in the middle of a busy workday as our self-care, I separate self-care activities into “investment power hours” that fill your batteries over time and keep you well, and into “fast-charges” that you plug into when you are running on empty and need a quick boost. The toolkit in my latest newsletter issue provides ideas for both to use as you need them, and encourages you to write down and commit to doing those that will be most helpful to you.

?Setting Boundaries…. is a method of Self-Care

While self-care practices such as ensuring you get enough sleep and balanced nutrition are obvious and often physically intuitive, setting boundaries is a less obvious method of caring for ourselves. Think of the concept of a stress container that fills up with all of your everyday stresses and often overflows. Boundaries act as a protective layer on top of your stress container that filter out some of those stressors early on. If taking on too many work responsibilities when you already have a full schedule is a source of stress, saying “I have too much on right now to get involved in this project, let’s review my availability next month” is that boundary that can reduce the incoming stress.

Boundaries are essentially a system of “go-no go” guidelines. They help you define what is acceptable and what is not, enabling you to make better decisions, maintain a healthier balance between work and personal life and avoid burning out. Boundaries are essential for protecting your time, energy, and emotional wellbeing, and setting them can sometimes feel very awkward and/or impolite. We are called to choose momentary discomfort over long-term resentment and stress, because research also shows undeniably that a lack of boundaries or poor boundaries can lead to resentment and anger at best, to burnout, mental distress and relationship breakdowns at worst!

Choosing Discomfort Over Resentment- 5 Practical Approaches to setting boundaries (that are less awkward than just saying NO) Infographic?

The role of Fear and Guilt

If all this was so easy to do, why would you need to read a blog about it, and indeed, why would I need to take the time to write it and speak about it to many clients?

It’s because it may well be common sense and knowledge, but it is far from being common practice.

There are 2 big reasons why we ignore the research and continue to overextend ourselves.

Their names: FEAR & GUILT

FEAR: Our survival instinct that kicks in to help us maintain a state of familiarity, equilibrium and safety. Humans are wired for connection and maintaining their safety and co-existing with groups ensures both. Belonging to a group provides safety and our brain does everything it can to keep us within that group. So saying “no” when a friend asks for a lift when you are already overcommitted driving family around and running errands brings out a deep fear that that friend will likely become angry and reject you, casting you out of your valued friendship circle. Our lizard brain that was built and wired for survival and belonging does NOT want to risk being outcast from the safety of our “herd”. So, we end up agreeing to more than we can possibly take on rather than risk losing our membership to a valued group. Our inner critic also has a field day, warning us that we are not doing enough to be worthy of belonging to our group.

Which brings us nicely to…GUILT- Modern day society and working practices have successfully taken our natural fear instinct, added a hefty dash of conformity and submissiveness, and successfully moulded it into a perpetual cycle of guilt and shame. Most of us were raised and socialised that humility and self-sacrifice are the “proper” way to behave, believing the notion that one must put other’s needs before one’s own to be accepted into the group. In fairness, this guilt and shame cycle would not be so effective if it weren’t for our human desire to be needed, valued and relied on as it gives a significant boost to our ego and self-confidence. This , again, is no surprise as we are socialised to gauge our worth based on what we can provide to others, rather than being confident in our inherent value, skillsets and abilities. Thus, guilt gives way to people pleasing as a default behaviour, as we manage to guilt ourselves into thinking that we “should” help or support because that’s how we gain worth, rather than believing we are worthy regardless of being needed.

Enter the arena and welcome the Critics – Assigned seating only!

So, if fear and guilt are so heavily a part of our brain wiring and upbringing, how can we possibly put in healthy boundaries and stick to them?

I would like to invite you to imagine an arena full of people and you are centre stage about to “perform”. Guilt, Fear, your Inner Critic and your People Pleaser are the hecklers in the audience ready to cause mischief. They haven’t been invited to your event, don’t have seats, but have A LOT to say about your upcoming performance so they run rogue disrupting your audience and shouting to throw you off your game. You have a few choices, you can ignore them and allow them to get more disruptive, you can pander to them in the hope you silence them, or you can address them directly, limiting their damage.

I would to invite you to look them square in the eyes, recognise them and thank them for coming. Then give them some assigned seats in a corner of the arena, just to the side of your peripheral vision. Tell them you see them, you understand their reason for being there and yet unless they are going to be helpful and support you, you are not interested in what they have to say. All their heckling and negative self-talk goes over your head. You simply do not have time for it today. You choose to self-care rather than be guilted, self-protect by saying the awkward no rather than spending days in resentment. You choose to act to self-care and self-prioritise so you CAN look after those who need you. You tell them that you are moving from a fearful and scarcity mindset of “I can’t say no because people won’t like or accept me” to “ I say no because I need to accept and like myself first”. Your hecklers are still invited to stay and watch the show, since we cannot dissociate completely from our fear and guilt, but we can lower the volume and have them sit quietly in a corner.

Oh, and by the way…. I should mention the fact that no one else will self-care on your behalf or set boundaries for you. You need to fend off those hecklers and lean into the harsh reality of ‘what we allow is what will continue’ and that a lack of boundaries will inevitably lead to a lack of respect….

Ready, Set, Boundaries!

So, I have mostly convinced you that boundaries are a good thing, now onto setting them in a way that will protect yourself, and your relationships down the line.

Here is the 4 step process of setting boundaries that should be our ride-or-die practice to determine and maintain our daily balance.

?The 4 step boundary setting process?

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But where do I start I hear you ask? There are SO many boundaries I could set….

Start with what I call “the Domino question” : “What is the 1st boundary, that by setting it would make the most impact on my life right now”. That 1st boundary, that once implemented, will push over other obstacles in its way, like dominoes, and make a clearer path.

There are two more ways we can view boundaries:

The Inside-Out Approach: which includes examining our internal state, our mindset, mental and emotional boundaries. We can do this in a number of ways, but mainly through reflecting on our thought patterns, feelings and internal monologue

“The feelings Wheel” – a model that supports building emotional literacy and helps you understand what is “hiding beneath” your presenting emotion. Challenge your presenting emotion (i.e anger) with the “3 why approach”.

Why do you feel angry, because you felt humiliated, Why did you feel humiliated? Because you felt disrespected. And why did you feel disrespected? Answer that and you have a better understanding of the source of your emotion and therefore how to tackle it.

The Outside-In Approach: this includes determining boundaries that need to be set on external/environmental situations that you are faced with. Look at your external environment and daily routines. Are you taking enough breaks? Do you check and respond to your emails late into the night? Do you agree to attend every meeting even though you know it could have been an email?

Here are the 4 questions to understand where you need to set boundaries and where you need more self-care. The questions determine your motivations, values, purpose and forgotten passions and the answers will point you in the right direction

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Take home message

Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially when you fear rejection or experience guilt. Saying no and sticking to the boundary you set without guilt is a practice. Use tools like giving yourself time to respond or offering alternative solutions to help ease that initial awkwardness. "I can't help with that, but I can do this instead."

Setting healthy boundaries and prioritising self-care are essential for your mental and physical health. By adopting both inside-out and outside-in approaches, you can create a balanced life that honours your needs, fosters well-being AND helping you maintain healthy relationships with others.

This blog has shared many downloadable images to get you thinking

Subscribe to The Faros Group Newsletter HERE to download an editable PDF toolkit to get you actioning the content in this blog.?

If you feel you need more targeted 1-1 support and accountability, Sophia Kalpaka is a trained coach that has helped numerous clients on a 1-1 coaching basis on exactly these topics, and can help you too. Email [email protected] directly to schedule in your first free 30 min chemistry call to see if it is a fit.

For those thinking this content could be useful for a group/team learning session, Sophia is an experienced trainer with over 15 years addressing teams and exec groups alike and is available to deliver 1hr, half day or full day sessions on this topic.

Email [email protected] directly for more information and availability.

We hope this blog made you stop and think, and mostly reminded you that you are worth caring for too.

See you in the next blog

With wishes for abundant self-care!

SK ??

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