The Art and Science of Silence

“Nothing can hurt you more than your wild mind. Nothing can heal you more than your trained mind.” ~ S.N.Goenka

She left abruptly, without saying goodbye or writing a note. Did something happen? Was it ME? Was it because we never talked or even looked at each other?.. Halfway through the 10-day silent meditation retreat, my roommate was nowhere to be found. All I had was an empty room to myself, 50 more hours of meditation, 15 group sittings, and 10 meals. No phone, no reading or writing, no yoga pants, workouts, physical contact or communication whatsoever. Why did I sign up for this torture?

Meditation retreat sounded like a nice relaxing vacation at first. Notably, the only resemblance to a retreat was stepping out of the “real” world. The rest was more of a Navy SEAL training not only for the mind, but also for the body: 3 out of 10 hours of daily meditation, we were encouraged to sit absolutely motionless. Combined with deep introspection and sensory deprivation, it proved to be quite transformational for me. Individual experiences differ, but what I’m hoping for is to share the beauty and strength of Vipassana through my own journey.

In a nutshell, the Vipassana technique can be described as calmly observing your body’s sensations as they arise and pass away. This simple concept incorporates the universal laws of nature we tend to forget about while making our way around the sun.

“Concerning matter, we have been all wrong. What we have called matter is energy, whose vibration has been so lowered as to be perceptible to the senses. There is no matter.” ~ Albert Einstein

Every time we take a breath, a chain of biochemical reactions happens. We’re literally giving our bodies life by transforming one form of energy to another. While theoretically it makes sense, with Vipassana you actually get to experience it. After a while, you realize that the body is but a vibrational energy field, with a million sensations per nanosecond in each part of it. Everything happens within the body: sensations arise before a thought is generated, a word is uttered or action taken. By simply observing our sensations, we can learn a lot about ourselves. This way, we learn about the world, because it is but a mere reflection of our perceptions. All the meanings we assign to people, things, events are purely subjective and have nothing to do with the fact that they simply exist, forms of energy themselves.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” ~ Albert Einstein

What is one universal quality of energy? Change. It is the only constant, it is the law of nature. Everything flows, everything changes. You can’t step in the same river twice. This too shall pass. We’ve all heard it, many times. Still, I don’t think we fully comprehend it. If none of us will make it out of here alive, then why do we spend so much time worrying about the future or dwelling on the past? Holding grudges or afraid of taking the next big step? Judging people, reacting to external events, which come and go regardless of our reactions? Now is all we have; everything else - both the good and the bad - will change. By observing the breath and sensations, we take the matters within and live the change. No matter how pleasant or unpleasant those sensations are, the key is to observe them with perfect equanimity. This brings us to the next point.

“If you can meet with triumph and disaster, And treat those two impostors just the same...”~ If by Rudyard Kipling

Everything around us is subject to our own interpretation. What we define as “good” or “bad” can have the opposite meaning for someone else: for example, we win a sports game while the other team loses. A person we labeled as “good” can disappoint us by doing something that didn’t fit within our definition of them. An object we assigned some sentimental value to would appear neutral to a third party. Sure, there are sensations that are truly unpleasant or even painful, but even those change (I experienced a mini-version of that on Day 6). In essence, if we prefer certain sensations over the rest, we generate cravings. If we try to avoid unpleasant sensations, we create aversion. That is the source of all our miseries. By non-reacting to the internal ups and downs, Vipassana teaches us to treat vicissitudes of the outside world with equal balance.

Overall, this is how my journey of the 10 days went:

• Day 1: Noise. My mind would get distracted with thoughts about past/future and wander more than it would focus on meditation/present moment. I didn’t judge it and figured it would probably take a bit to truly unplug.
• Day 2: Self. This came up for me as I realized how much external circumstances affect me. While chasing a goal, worrying about the opinions of others or trying to fit in, I can lose a sense of self. Diving deep inside is the only way to stay true, and the only way to be happy no matter what.
• Day 3: Calm. The thoughts and worries for the past melted like ice in the sun. I don’t think I even noticed it until one moment I realized the mind is empty and the now is the only important element.
• Day 4: Insight. On this day, Vipassana technique gets introduced. It takes a dedicated effort to sit through the entire first hour motionless. This is when the mind starts playing tricks, ringing alarms on what parts of the body are hurting or worries like “what if my house burnt down while I’m gone?” (note to self: even if it did, there would be nothing I could do about it after the fact)
• Day 5: Change. After observing breath and sensations, I really bought into the fact that everything changes. Whatever thought would come to mind, it would get interrupted by the succeeding one or simply vanish. Whatever sensation the body experienced, it would arise and pass away.
• Day 6: Non-reaction. This is when I had a fight with my own throat. In the early morning, it started to get sore. It would not disturb me when I was alone in my room, but certainly act out during the group meditations. Part of it was because I didn’t want to disturb everyone, but the more attention I paid to my throat, the more I wanted to cough. It got so bad that at some point I could no longer breathe. After a few hours of struggling, I started contemplating quitting the course. That day, I would’ve won the debate competition, using all the intricate arguments my mind tried to rationalize with. Then, I simply went back to observing my sensations, moving from throat to other parts of the body. The pain became tolerable and at times would even go away. All the pros and cons were merely thoughts, and just like any fleeting thought, they disappeared.
• Day 7: Peace. After an interesting experience the day before, I suddenly felt the rush of calmness. The entire life made sense: events of the past, people and places were all meant to be. Besides, I’ve had a pretty incredible life so far! Everything in the future will happen as it should. And for the moment being, all I can do is enjoy it.
• Day 8: Non-attachment. That was the hardest part for me, and something I have to continue practicing. We’re so attached to our ways of life, and technology might be the scariest of them all. Every 10 minutes or so, I had a habitual reaction to reach for my phone. I even “heard” my phone ringing nearby, even though in was locked away in a safe the entire time. Without pen and paper, I kept a mental list of things to Google once I get home. Not read, research, find out about, but Google! I had a physical image of the search bar in front of me, with answers popping up as I’m typing a search query. What a tricky way for the mind to get distracted yet again, instead of paying attention to this very moment!
• Day 9: Inquiry. Vipassana is not asking for blind faith. In fact, it encourages you to question it. Only after realizing the technique works for you, should you fully accept it. By the same token, you should question everything you were taught in life: convictions, beliefs, traditions, norms, definitions of “good” and “bad”, your judgments of people. I realized that some of the thoughts are not even my thoughts, but the ways I was conditioned. It is truly liberating and only the beginning!
• Day 10: Integration. This is the day when the students are finally allowed to talk to each other. It’s meant to be a shock absorber after a long period of silence, and prior to everyone’s return to the (un)real world. I made some really good friendships and polished out some pearls of wisdom through our conversations.

To summarize, Vipassana is all about observing sensations, with perfect equanimity, from moment to moment. To understand its principles at the intellectual level is science - it takes one time to click. To feel and live it is art, which takes the entire life to practice.

This luxury must’ve cost you a fortune, you may think. I’m happy to share that the courses are run strictly on a donation basis. Contribute however you can and only after completing the entire 10 days. Meditation centers are all over the world, and I hope that more people get to witness this transformational experience first-hand: https://www.dhamma.org/ 

I may never know my roommate’s story or the reason why she left. But that is the whole purpose of silence: deep inner work that only you can do for yourself. The moment you start comparing, it is lost on you. In that, lies deep wisdom: