Art and Science of Building Rapport

What is Rapport?

Many of us have heard and used this word “Rapport” many times. Usually when we like someone or when we get along with someone we say “ we seems to have built a good rapport” When we are meeting a new person, we try to take someone along with us who has a good rapport with the person whom we are meeting. Better still we try to create a good rapport ourselves so that conversations go better than planned. So What exactly is rapport?? Dictionary meaning of rapport is “A close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well”

In psychological terms, Rapport is a state of responsiveness. The person whom you are interacting with responds to you consciously or unconsciously and thereby you get a lead in communication.

If you dig into bit of a history, word rapport originated from the French word “Rapporter” meaning “to return or bring back”. In terms of relationship with people this means what one person sends out the other sends back.

How is Rapport built?

American anthropologist Ray L Birdwhistell (1970) came up with an interesting theory regarding human communication behaviour. In our communication, words and verbal communication takes only 7% of the process. 55% is taken up by body language and remaining 38% by vocal tones.?A whooping 93% of the communication process is done non verbally which makes it a very important aspect of the communication.

In many cases Rapport is something that comes naturally between individuals particularly if they share commonalities.?Rapport is easier between people with similar social and educational background and experiences.?

But it is possible to create rapport consciously between individuals even if there are no commonalities.?

Rapport works at the level of sub consciousness and to build rapport we have to make conscious changes to body language, language, voice tone, speaking styles. Basic steps for building rapport are as follows

Mirroring and Matching Body Language???

Body language plays a very important role in your communication with others. It can???make or break a communication. So to create a good rapport, mirror or match your body language with other person. Adopting a body language similar to the person to whom you are communicating will send a message to his/her subconscious mind that you share similarities with that person. This will make them relax and removes any potential communication barriers.?

First observe their posture. How they are sitting, angle of their body, are they leaning forward or backward. Wait for few seconds and then mirror/match their body language without making it obvious. Similarly subtly match that person’s hand and body gestures. Be extremely careful to do this subtly so that it is not interpreted as mocking. Another thing to observe is the facial expressions.?If they raise their eyebrows raise yours too. Do the same for head shakes and nodes also.?

Breath patterns of the person is another area that needs to be watched out for. Some people breath heavily, some breath shallow. Match the breath patterns as closely as possible. But remember not to follow this for persons who has asthma or any other breathing difficulties..

These acts sends subtle messages to the subconscious mind that you are similar to that person’s nature and thinks and acts in the same way. This helps to create trust and good rapport

Match the Vocal Tones

Voice tones comprises 38% of the communication process. This includes pitch, volume and tempo. Pitch refers to the frequency of voice - high pitch or low pitch. Volume refers to the loudness of sound - some people speak in loud voice while some speak in low voice. While pitch cannot be matched completely, match the volume of sound to build the rapport. Speech rate of a person is referred to as tempo. Some speak fast while some speak slow. Adjust your voice tempo according to the person you are talking to.

Match the words/language

Even though verbal communication is only 7% of the process it also plays its part in building rapport. Listen carefully and look for keywords, terms and expressions that are frequently used. Use those words and expressions in your speech when you talk.?

In certain cases, it may not be possible for you to exactly mirror and match the person’s body language. May be he is overly expressive like tap the table while thinking, bouncing their legs up and down, putting both hands behind their head or something similar. In such cases you can match this body language through something called crossover mirroring.?Crossover mirroring is a process of matching someone’s body language by moving a different part of the?body. Like if they are bouncing their leg up and down while talking, bounce your fingers up and down on table.

While you can follow above steps to consciously build rapport with the other person there are certain basic communication rules that you need to follow/improve upon in your conversations such as

1. Key to any successful communication is listening. Ensure we keenly listen to what is being spoken and do not interrupt in the middle. Listening develops empathy. People become more comfortable knowing that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say and that helps build rapport
2. Start you conversation with a small talk. This will help to lighten the mood and helps you to understand commonalities.
3. Always maintain eye contact with people whom you are conversing with.?This helps build trust and comfort in conversation. Frequent eye movements is not a good sign and might denote lying.
4. Conversation should not be all about you. While it is ok to share your personal experiences, you should show adequate interest in knowing about the other person.
5. Complements are a good way to build rapport. It should come genuinely and should not look constructed.
6. Give your 100% attention to the person whom you are conversing with. Break the habit of looking in your mobile phone or looking away in the middle of conversation. This is considered rude and will prevent from making that extra connection
7. Remember people’s names and use them naturally in your conversation

Lastly be natural in your conversation. Mirroring and matching will help you in establishing that special connection with the other person but it should all be done subtly and gently. One should be careful not to make it look like a mimicry. There is a fine line between this which can make or break your communication. Don’t be frustrated if you do get it right first time. Just keep practicing and you will master this art

How do you know if you are in Rapport?

Once you have tried all these steps how can you be sure that you are in rapport. Certain indicators are

1. First and foremost is a gut feel. You feel that pulse when you are in rapport. It is an intuitive feel
2. Once you feel you are in rapport, try doing some gesture by yourself and if you are in rapport, other person will follow. This is called leading the conversation.
3. Watch the other person keenly. Certain facial expressions, body language, words they use will give you indicators whether they are in rapport. Eg. You might see them blushing which is an indication that they are relaxed. They might use sentences like “You are familiar”, “Have we met before” etc.

Remember rapport is a process and not something that will happen overnight. Learn keenly from every attempt and you will certainly improve as you progress.

There is actually a science behind how this rapport builds internally. There are changes that happens with in our body and mind when we do this and that changes helps build the rapport. That explanation is beyond the scope of this document. For now happy building rapports and enjoy conversations and relationships