The Art of Saying You're Sorry: 5 Steps for a Heartfelt Apology

So, you were a jerk at work. Maybe you were only running on a few hours of sleep and not thinking clearly, or perhaps those back to back meetings left you hangry and on edge. Whatever the reasons, you weren’t at your friendliest, most-approachable best, and woe be to staff who tread too closely to your fraying edges. 

Maybe you weren’t even aware of being in striking rattlesnake pose. You probably didn’t notice the bark in your tone or the sarcastic bite to your come back. At the time, you may have even felt justified in being a bit of a jerk. After all, “Beth should know better than to raise irrelevant issues at the staff meeting.” or, “Do we seriously have to babysit Randy on every project?” or the classic, “How many times am I going to have to repeat myself? Doesn’t anyone ever read my (#@!!) emails?”

However, once your cooler head prevails, you may find that yesterday’s indignation has turned into today’s indigestion. Through clearer eyes, you now remember the hurt expression on Beth’s face after receiving your wrath and how she nervously glanced around the room to see if the rest of the team noticed. You feel terrible. Sometimes, pressures inside or outside the office can leave you feeling and acting foul. Even the best leaders are bound to have off days. But a crappy day is not a free pass for rude behavior. It’s important to know when and how to say you’re sorry.

Apologizing is a critical part of building trust as a leader. It shows employees that you can admit when your wrong and are accountable for your actions. It demonstrates a willingness to be vulnerable and shows that you truly value relationships. However, for an apology to be effective, it has to be sincere. Just going through the motions of saying you're sorry without genuinely meaning it will be patently obvious and may cause real injury to the relationship. So before you deliver your next mea culpa, here are a few key steps for an effective apology.  

Step 1. Be timely

Apologize as soon as possible. The longer you wait to say you’re sorry, the more hurt feelings can smolder. While there may be times when it’s best to give a little space, the general rule should be the sooner you apologize, the better. 

Step 2. Say “I’m Sorry”

It seems pretty basic, I know. However, you would be surprised how often those words are left out of an apology. For an apology to feel authentic, you have to show genuine remorse. Saying “I’m sorry” is always an excellent way to start. Sometimes that simple validation of the other person’s perspectives and feelings is all that is needed.

Step 3. Own it

Don’t make excuses for your actions. Watch out for unintentional defensive notes that can creep in. While it’s not unusual to feel a bit defensive when you feel vulnerable, saying something like “I’m sorry I snapped at you, but I am feeling a ton of pressure from my boss to meet this deadline,” sours your message. Explaining “why” you were a jerk is blame shifting and can feel like you're not owning full responsibility for your actions.

Avoid words like “if” that can also make your apology seem conditional, such as “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.” This can imply that you think they are too sensitive or that they shouldn't feel the way they feel. Remember, what’s important in a sincere apology is that you acknowledge that you were wrong, even when there are extenuating circumstances.

Step 4. Make it Right

Actions speak louder than words. While saying you’re sorry is important, showing you’re sorry is vital. Don’t use gestures to get you off the hook. Sending flowers doesn’t always make things better.

When a mistake can be fixed, fix it. Say what you are going to do specifically to make things better. If a mistake can’t be fixed (and not all can), tell them how you will make sure that it doesn’t happen again. Sharing your plan of action helps to rebuild credibility and trust. 

Step 5. Don’t Demand Forgiveness

Just because you said you’re sorry, doesn’t mean that the person you hurt is ready to forgive you. Forgiveness is built on trust, and trust can take time, especially to mend if it has been damaged. Allow the person you hurt the space to work through their feelings and for you to demonstrate the sincerity of your words. Acknowledge that you understand that it may take time and that you are willing to invest in the process of rebuilding your relationship.

Apologizing may seem like a kindergarten tenet, but many of life’s fundamental lessons are. Don’t underestimate the skill of knowing how to sincerely say you're sorry. It takes courage to be vulnerable and admit when you are wrong. Offering a genuine apology can be a good step in creating an open dialogue with your team and the sign of your integrity as a leader. 

Lisa Kogan-Praska is the Vice President of Client Strategy for illumyx, a culture consultancy focused on data-driven diagnostics, people analytics and targeted solutions that drive operational effectiveness and strengthen the employee experience.