The Art of Saying No

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to a favor or request, when you really wanted to say no? Like going out for a cup of coffee with an acquaintance you don’t even particularly like during an especially busy week when time is at a premium? Or agreeing to volunteer to chaperone the kids for a school outing when you’d truly rather not? Or saying yes through gritted teeth to a project that you know is going to tip your already precariously balanced workload into overload? I know I have!

Too many people say yes to all the wrong things just because we feel we should, says award-winning professor and researcher Vanesa Patrick, the author of a book called?The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How To Say No That Puts You In Charge Of Your Life . ??

So, Why Do We Say Yes When We'd Rather Say No?

Patrick, who was a recent guest on Shankar Vadantam's excellent podcast,?Hidden Brain ,?had a lot to say about?why we say yes so often when we’d rather say no.?She suggests that we tend to say yes to requests primarily because we are social beings who want to have strong social bonds with other humans. We believe that, in order to be liked, respected, and included by others, we?should?say yes to requests made of us—even if those requests are unreasonable.? Because, as Patrick puts it, “Saying no is a major harmony buster!”???

Fascinatingly, her research shows that the more we know someone, the more comfortable we are saying no to their requests.? This is because in that case we feel pretty confident that the relationship has history and legs and is not going to be damaged by our saying no.?? Conversely, we are more comfortable saying no to people we have no relationship with at all (like the stranger who comes to your front door trying to sell you something).??

Right in the middle of those two extremes is what Patrick calls “the acquaintance trap.” This is the idea that when we are in the process of developing a social connection with someone, the relationship feels more vulnerable, and we are less prone to saying no to from that acquaintance.? These are the people we apparently have the most trouble turning down.?

It’s also particularly hard to say no in a public scenario (like when you’re on a flight and somebody asks you if you would mind giving up your aisle seat so they can sit next to their child ) or when the reputational stakes are high (like when your boss asks you to do something right when you’re trying to leave to go home).? In these cases, if can feel like you have no choice but to say yes (with a sinking heart).

Who Says Yes To Requests More Often? Men or Women?

Of particular interest to me is what Patrick discovered about the difference between men and women when it comes to saying no. In what she termed a “social ask” situation, where a request was made to one person in front of other people, both men and women felt more uncomfortable and more obliged to say yes.? In one-on-one “solo ask” situations, however, where the ask was made one-on-one, men felt comfortable saying no more than the women did.? In other words, women said yes to requests more than men did in?both?”ask” scenarios. ?This tendency for women to say yes to tasks more than men, particularly in the workplace, is potentially due to social conditioning underscoring that women are more nurturing, helping and relationship-tending than men.

How Do You Say No Gracefully?

“So,” you may be wondering, “What should I do when I’m asked to do something I don’t want to do? How do I say no gracefully?”

Having To answer that question, here are five excellent ways to say no taken from my friend, The People IQ expert, Dr. Sherene McHenry’s terrific book,?Pick: Choose to Create a Life You Love. :

1.? “No.” (as Dr. McHenry puts it, “it’s a complete response”).

2.? “No, thank you (a teeny bit more polite)

3.? “I can’t, but thanks for asking.”?

4.? “Let me get back with you.”? This is particularly good if you tend to say yes without giving yourself time to think.

5.? “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m flattered, but I can’t do it.”

Before saying yes or no to a request, consider some of the questions Dr. McHenry suggests you ask yourself:

“Am I the only one who can do this? “Will doing this help me achieve my dreams?” “Do I have the resources?

and, my favorite, “Can I do it cheerfully?”

These questions can steer you to an unequivocal yes or no.? Either way is great, as long as you really mean it and feel empowered by your choice.

Remember: You have only so much time and energy to spare. So, learn to say no when it matters, without apology and finality. ?The more you say it, the easier it gets.

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