The Art of Saying NO

I'm a recovering yes-girl.

My whole life I have enthusiastically had a YES approach to life. I want to enjoy all that life offers and to be everything to everyone. You see, I love to please people (thanks oldest birth order). I love to help other people. I want to live my life to the fullest. For the longest time, I felt that it meant saying YES to everything.

Can you relate?

Here are my 3 reasons why I was a yes-girl:

1. Abundance. "The more opportunities the better"
2. Fear. "What if this is my golden opportunity?"
3. To please. It is a deep fear of mine to actually make someone uncomfortable by saying no.

Here is the problem with being a yes-girl:

I wasn't prioritizing my life. Someone else was.

By saying yes to everything I was spreading myself too thin and ultimately saying no to everything. Here is a great visual from Greg McKeown about this very topic in his book, Essentialism:

I felt like the left graphic. My energy (which I have a lot of) was pulled in every direction.

Can you relate?

Now I'd like to share how each of my 3 reasons for saying yes could have stifled future success.

Abundance:

I get it. Your heart in on fire and you want to show up to the world as your most authentic self. It is easy to feel like every opportunity that is even remotely connected to your area of interest would be a good idea to jump on board and dip your toes in, right?

Saying yes to everything means that you're saying NO to going all-in on what is most important to you. You're also giving up control of your life. There are always going to be other people who are willing to take up your time. You're too important and valuable to always give your time away to others and their agendas.

You've got to do the deep work first of figuring out:

1. What is actually most important to you in your life
2. What actions will get you to where you want to be
3. And then eliminate the rest

Fear:

I used to have thoughts like this all the time when someone would reach out to partner with me:

"What if this great opportunity never came again?"

"What if this is truly my once-in-a-lifetime-lightning strike?"

"What if this chance is my saving grace?"

The interesting thing is that the more successful I've become the more opportunities have been piling up on my doorstep (er, inbox). And these opportunities are bigger and better than I've ever had before. You must turn down every opportunity that doesn't take you to the future you most want for yourself.

Think of each turned-down opportunity as a sign that you are on the right track. People are attracted to you and want to work with you. That is wonderful! Note these positive signs and keep pressing forward courageously toward only what is most important to you.

People Pleasing:

I know, easier said than done. This is something that I've had a really hard time doing myself. It feels like a core trait of who I am: someone who always says yes and never, ever makes anyone else uncomfortable, disappointed, or put out by my lack of participation. Can you relate?

This is what I'm working on the most right now in my own personal and professional development. It is hard, but that's no reason to run away. Because it is hard it means it is a skill I need to work on to improve. Plus, I'm actually serious about building the life of my dreams and I'm not going to get there if I'm always spreading myself too thin to meet everyone else's needs.

It's ok to say no. Yes, people may feel a bit of a sting of rejection or disappointment. That's ok. We can't control others' feelings. In my experience, they will respect you more for sticking to your convictions and being honest and upfront with them about it.

Breaking It Down:

I'd like to share what has helped me to minimize my obligations so I can maximize my output to the world. Here are my 5 ideas:

1. First, you must actually know who you want to be. It takes serious introspection to understand who you are, what your purpose is in life, and where you want to be. If you don't know what success looks like for you, then how will you know if you're on the right path to achieving it?
2. Second, identify the actions that will you get you to your ideal future self. Make those actions the priority for how you spend your time.
3. Cut any actions that don't align with that one purpose. I mean it! Actually say no to people. Get excited that opportunities are coming your way and that by saying no to the ones that don't get you exactly where you want to be you are saying yes to yourself.
4. Repeat daily, weekly, yearly. Time marches forward and there will always be another great opportunity around the corner. Focus not on what you are saying no to, but what you are saying yes to, yourself.
5. Enjoy living in a less stressed/overwhelmed/overscheduled state. Enjoy the life you were meant to be living, doing what you actually want to do, and being all-in on who you want to be.

We only live once. We should probably live it as we want to, not as we think other people want us to. ;)

Jamie

*If this topic interests you and you are looking for more detail on how to measure success in your life I'd strongly suggest you read "How Will You Measure Your Life" by Clayton Christensen and if you're struggling with saying no and feeling all stressed about an over-scheduled life you should totally read, "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown.