The Art of Queuing

If you are in a queue for coffee and you want to nip across the room to pick up a sandwich, is your place in the queue safe?

I hate queuing, but as it turns out I have to do it a lot, and in lots of places. Being British means feeling like there is some kind of proper etiquette for everything – just not being entirely sure what it is. Should we kiss? Hug? Shake hands? The secret, I have learned, is that whatever you do, do it awkwardly. Then people will be in no doubt that you are, indeed, British.

 Here are some things that I have learned about queues:

 1)  A queue is formed when the first person positions themselves at ‘The Start of the Queue’: yes, one person can be a queue – if they are standing at the Start of the Queue. ‘Where is this Start of the Queue?’ I hear you ask in my head. That is like the sound of one hand clapping: the start of the queue is not merely wherever the first person wants it to be – you can be wrong about where the queue starts and then, head hung low, you will be forced to join the back of the Real Queue when it starts. People who correctly guess the Start of the Queue however, experience a boost in status and pride.

2)  If you are not in the line, you are not in the queue: you are the first to arrive at the airport gate. You take a seat near the check-in desk. Many people arrive. A queue forms. Are you permitted to go first to the desk? No. You must go to the back of the queue.

3)  You may not leave the queue: picture the scene: you are queuing for coffee but realize that you inadvertently picked up the gluten-free sandwich, when in fact you desired the gluten-rich version. The sandwich stand is now several yards away. Complete nightmare. Will your position in the queue be reserved should you leave? No. Not unless you can reach the stand from where you are standing. Your only option is to plead clemency. This is done by turning to the person behind you and making the ‘Please forgive me for being an idiot’ face and asking permission to allow you to return to your spot. Only the person immediately behind you has the power to grant this exception. Be aware that as a penalty they may require you to Participate in a Conversation.

4)  You should avoid letting people into the queue: as a member of the queue you do have limited discretionary powers to allow people into the queue (but only ahead of you, never behind). The people you allow into the queue should make a big show of their close relationship to you, since this reduces the level of outrage you will have created by letting people into the queue. People you allow into the queue cannot simply be complete strangers (except, say in a queue of cars, where some kind of smiling/waving formality is required). You should not allow more than a couple of people to join the queue ahead of you except if you are a teacher herding small children.

5)  You may not jump the queue: this is the most important rule. Jumping the queue is punishable by death. Well, not actually death but some severe frowning and maybe even a ‘tut’. Handling a queue-jumper is a delicate affair. The best technique is to give them the benefit of the doubt and politely enquire ‘excuse me – did you realize that there is a queue?’. This intervention is the responsibility of the person immediately behind the queue jumper.

6)  People who may jump the queue: as in chess, some people are permitted special moves. This will vary by country, but may include: the elderly, people with disabilities, people with small children, members of the armed forces, famous people. It is a good idea to be sensitive to local customs in this regard.

7) Don't leave a gap: why would you do that? The level of anxiety of the people behind you will rise in direct proportion to the size of the gap you create ahead of you. Leaving a gap risks inviting queue jumpers, quite apart from demonstrating a flagrant disregard for the importance of the queue members behind you. If you leave sufficient gap, the person behind you is entitled to enquire 'excuse me, are you in the queue?' in an annoyed tone.

8)  Do not hold up the queue: in the event that you reach the front of the queue, do not demonstrate a blatant disregard for the people behind you. The ways to show your contempt include (but are not limited to): not having made up your mind about your order until you reach the head of the queue (despite having queued for some time), striking up a flirtatious conversation with the person serving the front of the queue, faffing about with your technology/bags/purse/wallet/reward cards in a generally ineffectual manner, getting involved in lengthy bureaucratic enquiries.

9)  A queue should only ever be one person wide: in practice, queues are sometimes more than single-file although this creates anxiety regarding which of the people standing side-by-side is technically ahead in the queue. The best way to resolve this is by merging in turn.

10)  Queue impassively: a queue is a stoic affair. We do not know how long we must wait. We may not know how long the queue is, or even what we are queuing for. But queues, like love, unite us at a deeper level. In these moments we are all members of a bigger queue, humbled in the presence of the queue, and we should accept our fate with equanimity.

11) A queue is not an excuse for social interaction: as a result of queuing in a confined space, you find yourself standing closer than normal to someone. Is it ok to strike up a lively conversation with them? No. Absolutely not. Queues automatically inherit the ‘commuter protocol’ in which one maintains a focussed indifference to those in our personal space, as a kind of protective mechanism. Headphones may help. If someone does attempt conversation, it is proper to assume that they are unaware of protocol and smile nervously whilst seeking to terminate the conversation as quickly as possible. Other people in the queue will empathise with your predicament.

12) Can you pay to jump the queue? This is a tricky subject and very much depends on the extent to which the local culture is individualistic or communal in nature. In countries where everyone is assumed to be equal this is considered bad form. Where people are valued according the their wealth, this same behaviour may be flaunted. You can therefore tell quite a lot about a culture from their queuing behaviour.

In conclusion, I hope you will use the comments below to share your horror-stories regarding blatant breaches of queuing etiquette or quaint local customs that you have encountered on your travels. Together we will forge a better world.