The Art of Menopausal Conversations with Older children

You are likely to be experiencing your Menopause at a time when your children are either becoming, or are, young adults. A time that presents its own challenges with the need for more independence on both your parts whilst still wanting to keep your baby safe and close before they leave the nest, or at least take their first tentative steps.

This would be an emotionally tumultuous time even without two sets of competing hormones, yours on the way out and theirs on the way in. Cue tears, shouting and door slamming.

Older Children whilst more able to verbalise their dismay, will feel confused or at times betrayed by a parent who is both different and inconsistent. All this can come at a time in their life when they are facing increasingly complex challenges.

Most mothers of teenagers or young adults that I have spoken to, say that this is a time that their children seem to need them more than ever whilst wanting to feel adult independence. This flip-flopping can be emotionally exhausting. Add this to your symptoms and it can be even more so, creating extreme responses. I once worked with a woman who was distraught after losing all perspective, and had screamed “f**k off” at her teenage son. She rarely swore let alone in front of her children.

As I said in my earlier blog about young children, parenting is hard. In fact, it’s harder than anything you have done professionally, and no-one, rather unreasonably gave you a handbook, or offered a three-day introductory training course. You are effectively learning on the job. Work-based imposter syndrome has nothing on this.

It can be extremely tough to hear or read that you are being unreasonable, but to admit you are being this way with your children can be devastating - after all you have surely made it through the hard bit of parenting. It seems somewhat unfair that you are now faced with your own hormonal changes, causing the nagging anxiety that you are never quite good enough as a mother to never fully evaporate. It is a lose-lose situation.

The person who is showing up is not the person inside. The swirling emotional and behavioural cyclone that’s caused by your hormonal maelstrom is seemingly out of your control. What you can control though is what happens next.

You will notice that the headers are the same as with young children. You are on the same journey of discovery, except you can speak to your children about it properly now they are older. There is a caveat here, that you have spoken to your children about personal issues before, both for them and for you. If you haven’t it’s a bit of a cold standing start, but one that is necessary.

1.        Admission is progress not defeat

The first thing to say here is that you are not defending your corner, retaliation or defence only makes things worse. Take a long hard look at yourself, what are your extreme and not so extreme behaviours that have either turned up or become more prevalent?

What causes you those deep pangs of guilt or remorse?

Do you fly off the handle, shout or finger point, are you suddenly spiteful, jealous or bear a grudge? Do you burst into tears over the slightest thing, sobbing uncontrollably, or maybe withdraw into a dark place and are unable to communicate or be present?

It is important to note that this is not an opportunity to give yourself a good kicking. Having said this your children do not deserve it either, they are simply themselves trying to forge their own identity.

Be clear with yourself, how do your symptoms show up?

2.        What are your triggers

We all have things that drive us crazy, that seem to hit a ‘nerve’ every time. During the Menopause due to the range and severity of symptoms those ‘nerves’ seem to be sitting very close to the surface, and/or multiplied. If you are tired or exhausted, stressed, ache all over, or if you are suffering from anxiety, then most things will trigger a reaction. My point is, that often there is a chain of events that triggers a response.

Work backwards, ask yourself what happened just before the event and keep asking until you uncover what is really going on.

It is important to clarify whether you lost your sense of proportion because their bedroom smells like a hamster’s cage, or because you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in months.

3.   You are not Wonder Woman

Bloody hell I have wished I was so many times, maybe with a dash of Mother Theresa for good measure. But it’s not to be, I am simply myself and I have come to accept that that is enough.

Stop trying to be all things to everyone, life is complicated enough without the Menopause but add its variety of symptoms and unpredictability, and it’s easy to see why some women feel like they are losing themselves.

Well here is the news flash…. You never were wonder woman, no one was or is. It is an impossible dream that we tell ourselves is attainable. Great job, amazing person, super powers and let’s not forget, fantastic hair and a figure that allows you to run around in what is effectively a satin swimming costume without worrying about cellulite or stretch marks. Get real!

You are a woman who is pretty damn amazing, doing the best job she can. That is enough.

4.        Call it by its name ‘The Menopause’

Now that you are clear about how your symptoms show up, and what your triggers are, find a time to sit down with your children. Do you have a time in the day when you talk about things, catch up or simply be with each other? If you don’t and not everyone does, find a time when there is no technology, TV or friends that can distract them or you.

Start off by giving examples of when your symptoms were out of control, or when your behaviour was the polar opposite of what would have once been normal. Apologise, explain that this is your Menopause, that the hormones that have been playing havoc with them over the last few years as they flood their body are doing just the same as they start to make their exit. If they have questions or comments be prepared to listen. This is not however a time when either of you has the right to ridicule, belittle or be hurtful towards each other. If the conversation is heading down a well-worn path towards an argument, stop it there, take a break and return to it later.

Having said all of this, most women find that their children are simply relieved that Mum is still in there somewhere and that you are not ill.

For some women it is their children who identify their Mum’s Menopausal symptoms. If you are lucky enough to have children who have been educated in women’s full hormonal life, celebrate it.

5.        Give them permission to call it out

This can be the most difficult of all these things to do. If an adult tells you that you are being unreasonable when you at the pinnacle of your outburst, it can and usually does end badly, no matter how much you love them. Giving your children permission to call you out might seem crazy. Often, we are unaware in that moment that we are escalating out of control, it is only on reflection that we recognise the extreme nature of our behaviour. By giving them permission, you are getting an independent set of eyes and ears looking out for you, effectively giving them – and in turn you - control of the escalation of your symptoms and the ability to offset the remorse that often follows.

I am not saying that this is easy, it is not, but responding to your children’s observations will benefit you both in the long run.

This is a complex time for you and your children. Both of you are prone to extreme and irrational behaviour, and you are, possibly for the first time showing that you are vulnerable. You are after all human, with a full set of emotions. Your children are also on their long journey into adulthood.