The Art of Listening

My meditation partner Wendy Whitehead-Martelle and I have been meeting on a weekly basis for roughly three years now, and we have our routine down to a science. First, we catch each other up on our week (Wendy's just landed in Madrid for a sizable stint, so she's got lots of delicious tidbits to share), check in on our families, cover new and binge-worthy Netflix series, etc. There's typically some talk about tea wedged in there as well, since she and I are both fangirling the same London tea shop at the moment.

Once we've finished our ten-minute update, however, the tone shifts dramatically as we move into meditation mode. This is a place of both deep reflection and deep listening. Wendy is certified in the RAIN methodology, which provides space for both individual work and sharing. In other words, we listen to ourselves, and then share our observations with our partner. There's no problem-solving here, no "me too" commentary or any other verbal interplay.?The partner's goal is simply to receive with loving-kindness.

This combination of ardent listening and receiving has been an enormous learning for me, and the more I consider it, the more breadth and applicability it gains. It's a skill that must be developed, and arguably a different muscle than we're used to flexing in our everyday lives. Especially in the working world, our brains are wired to listen for resolution and problem-solving rather than simply for empathy and acceptance. According to this piece from Korn Ferry on the science of listening, taking the non-solving, empathetic route of listening requires nothing short of rerouting the brain from is typical modus operandi.

However, tapping into this art and science offers a treasure trove of benefits to ourselves and to the world around us. Here are just a few of the enormous gifts that I've found as I merely begin to scratch the surface of deep and meaningful listening:

Sounds and Silence

Let's face it--we're all completely overstimulated. The incessant ping of our devices, the drone of our TV(s), unending video calls, and the constant ambient sounds of our world would make our cave-people ancestors run screaming into the cave. Noise, noise, noise. And our brains and nervous systems, unflagging guardians that they are, are wired to hone in on those sounds that impact our immediate safety and call our bodies to action--which is why that loud alarm noise on your phone makes your heart race.

But sound can also be healing, not only in the use of specific sonic frequencies (of which I'm a believer) but in the art of applying mindful focus. Even in the face of all that chaos, we can find moments of centering. Maybe it's zeroing in on the sound of a bird singing versus the traffic noise around it, or deeply and fully listening to a favorite song so that you pick up all of its layers and intricacies. Perhaps the answer for you is to simply savor the beautiful sound of silence. Making your own music is also an option. Humming, for example, not only has a soothing sound, but has been shown to positively affect heart rate variability. All of these sound meditations, for that's what they are, not only enable us to more deeply appreciate the complexities of the things we hear, but also assuage our harried nervous systems at the same time.

Innovation and Creation

This one feels fairly straightforward to me.?In the art of brainstorming, there are no wrong answers. I've done a fair bit of work as a consultant, and during the phase of the process in which we're developing strategic options, just like a tissue session or any other creative exercise, all ideas are on the table. After all, that one concept you didn't give your time and attention to may have been the breakthrough you were looking for. And brainstorming by definition requires us to receive all concepts with open ears and an open mind, and to accept without judgement. This avenue may be one we're not used to taking, and receiving without applying our own narrative or lens could require some unlearning, but the rewards are rich.

Building Relationships

Relationships are founded on listening--it's that simple. Whether it's your partner, your colleagues, your team, your kids, your clients, your prospects, or anyone else on the planet, deep and true listening is the cornerstone of relating to others. This includes verbal listening, of course, but it goes much deeper than that. If we really pay attention to the spaces between words, there's a rich well of awareness to be found in those subtle communications. Facial expressions, body language, and tone go much deeper than words can in some cases. And not to get too far off-piste here, but I believe there's power in energetic listening as well. As a yoga teacher, I now depend upon the energy of the students in the room to influence how a certain class will be shaped. This too is listening--just with a different sort of ear.

Knowing Oneself

I love the phrase "abiding with yourself." It's a doozy, though--sitting quietly with your thoughts and feelings as they course (or race, sometimes) through the mind can be a difficult exercise. But it's a pivotal one, for it's such an important way to learn more about the person with whom we spend all day every day. Whether through meditation, journaling, or another self-awareness practice, this variety of deep listening can offer life-changing nuggets of wisdom and perspective. It's through this practice that I finally arrived at the (admittedly motley) career combination of procurement consulting, wellbeing coaching and yoga studio ownership. A combo like that can only come from a lot of self-reflection! And even when there is no big-time breakthrough involved, internal listening will always bring you closer to someone wonderful--you--and that is a beautiful thing, indeed.

Tapping Into Our Humanity

Each of us has a story to tell, a unique series of lived experiences that have shaped us and given us the perspectives we have. And each of us wants--no, needs--to be heard. In the age of multitasking, text-conversing, and especially with the epidemic of smartphone addiction, taking the step of looking into the eyes of another human and listening with all you have is an enormous gift. And we as social beings all need that connection. On the flip side, the way for us to learn from the experiences of others, the method for capturing those gems of wisdom that life has given them, is to hear and absorb. As simple as it sounds (no pun intended), being fully present in a chat over coffee, a phone call, or a simple interaction with the person in front of you in the grocery store queue is a gesture that may very well make a world of difference--both to them and to you.

Now time for some tea.