The Art of Influence
We all want to be liked. But in the workplace, likeability isn’t just a plus. It’s a vital element of any healthy, productive team. If people don’t like one another, they don’t trust each other. Without trust, teams can never collaborate the way their work demands, and they miss out on delivering the best possible results every time. ?
Being likeable is a lot more than being nice. Humans have a lot of behaviors hard-wired into our brains that make us prone to defensiveness and selfishness. Even the nicest people you know have these impulses built into their biology. ?
We all have triggers that make us react in ways that are downright unlikeable at times. And we can’t change these parts about us or anyone else. But we can learn to understand human nature, choose better responses to people, and in turn, influence how they react.
Why Being Likeable Is So Important
When someone says, “I’m not here to be liked,” chances are they’re already feeling a strong kickback from people around them. No one wants to be that person, but we’ll all find ourselves in that spot at one point or another. ?
We can’t make people like us, and we can’t change people to be more likeable. They have to make that choice for themselves.?
However, we can learn to always act respectfully, and learn how to influence better outcomes even in situations where we’re forced to work with people we’d rather not share a room with.?
You don’t have the power to change anyone, but you can develop the power to influence them. ?
So, when we talk about working in groups, whether it’s in a hierarchy, bureaucratic, or agile construct, we have to know how to be influential. This is important because our workplaces and working relationships are becoming increasingly complex.?
There are many ways to solve problems, and they can all reach the same result. So, how do you settle on the best course of action? People often find themselves disagreeing with coworkers, and feeling like they can’t make a decision without upsetting someone. Then they freeze. ?
When you need help from someone, you turn to people you like. Like fosters trust, and trust creates influence. The more people like you, the more they’re willing to listen to you.?
The fact of the matter is that being likeable helps you be more efficient. It helps teams create better results, and enjoy their jobs a lot more than they do when they’re at odds with one another. ?
Knowing the art of influence can help you be a more likeable person while also shaping the behavior of those around you. It’s not about always getting your way. Instead, it’s about learning to influence interactions, so they lead to more positive outcomes. ?
Don’t Be a Competent Jerk ?
There are a lot of people who are great at their jobs. The problem is that no one can stand them. ?
When it comes to likeability on teams, people can fall under several categories.?
Notice that competency and trustworthiness are connected in all of these examples. That’s because the two are intrinsically linked. If people don’t believe you can do a good job, they won’t trust you.?
This is why professionalism is so important in the workplace. When you look like a competent person, people are more likely to believe that you are. Even someone great at their job can be written off if they appear unprofessional.?
Our brains make split-second decisions about people based on how they look and present themselves. Within seconds, we know whether or not we’re going to trust someone. ?
Understanding how these factors affect others’ perception can help you master likeonomics. ?
Likeonomics 101 ?
Being a likeable person isn’t just being a nice person. You can be a great person who still doesn’t see the results they want in the workplace. There is a give-and-take to likeability and influence that we have to understand if we want to build greater trust with people.?
The simple truth is this: We do business with people we like.?
We’ll only work with people we dislike when we absolutely have to. Have you ever tried to build a relationship out of “being nice”? It isn’t very effective. And the truth is that plenty of people who try hard to be nice are really just trying to mask their unlikeableness. ?
Because niceness doesn’t make up for all the other qualities that make someone likeable. It’s important, but it doesn’t always lead to the results you want. Nice people can be seen as incompetent (take the loveable fool, for example). They may come off as a pushover. Or they could, in the worst cases, be seen as fake. ?
What you really need to be likeable boils down to the likeonomics trust formula:?
Let’s look at each one of these in a bit more detail. ?
Truth?
This one is easy. People naturally trust and like people who they can rely on to be honest. It’s even better when they can expect you to be truthful in a tactful way. You may have to deliver hard news or bad feedback, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.?
Truth is a great example of being nice vs. being likeable. A merely “nice” person will avoid telling the truth to avoid upsetting others. A likeable person will always tell the truth because they know that it’s actually the most respectful thing to do. ?
Relevance ?
Good influencers keep their conversations relevant to the situation. They stay on topic, and always consider what people around them are seeking to hear. In a group, ask yourself, “What are their objectives?” Say what’s necessary to help them reach their goals, and don’t add irrelevant details.?
Unselfishness?
Selfish people think they can get away with it, but everyone sees it. Be someone who pays it forward. Share your capabilities, and help others grow.?
Simplicity?
What you do may be complex, but when you present information in a complicated manner, people can lose trust. Most people in software and development tend to be highly technical. They may not know to get down to brass tacks. ?
For example, if you’re talking to management, or shareholders, they likely don’t care how you’re doing something. They want to know what you’re doing to deliver the results they want to see. ?
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Instead of focusing on endless technical details, you have to be able to simplify information for people. Boil things down so they’re easy to understand, and only include details that matter to the person you’re speaking with.?
Timing?
Learn how to read people, so you can always choose the right timing. When someone’s having a bad day, it’s not the best time to deliver heavy information. Timing shows respect for others’ personal situations and needs. It also helps you stay relevant and be unselfish.?
Distortions That Affect Influence and Likeability ?
“People almost always find what they’re expecting to find if they allow their expectations to guide their search.” - Bart Ehrman?
Humans have evolved in two ways: ?
These two elements now most often exist in conflict with one another, especially in hierarchical workplaces. Power in the workplace can lead to corruption, and corruption can cause all the trust between a group to unravel.
Researchers believe that power has a dehumanizing effect on people. Those who are given greater power tend to show less empathy and be more self-centered. They often can’t imagine things from others’ perspectives, so they don’t consider them at all.?
Powerful people, in this context, have governed out of authority, not influence. In order to be likeable, you have to recognize if power is something you’re inadvertently abusing. Namely, it’s helpful to look at how power can lead to cognitive distortions.?
Confirmation Bias?
People like hearing what they know. Our brains light up positively when we hear confirmation information. But they go dark when we hear things that go against what we believe. ?
We all apply cognitive biases without realizing it. We make judgments. We rely on mental shortcuts (heuristics) instead of basing our actions off real facts and data. ?
The Endowment Effect?
Research shows that people consistently evaluate identical objects as more valuable if they own them. So, we naturally gravitate toward what’s familiar and similar. It’s no surprise this can lead to unintentional discrimination. ?
Loss or Regret Aversion?
No one likes to lose, whether it’s time, money, or energy. We all instinctively strive to prevent any type of loss. If an action is seen as a loss, rather than a gain, we’ll respond differently. Understanding this distortion is critical when it comes to presenting ideas and thoughts to people in a way they’ll see as advantageous. ?
Influence vs. Manipulation?
What is influence? It’s inspiring people to take positive actions. It’s guiding them through empowering engagement and authentic interactions. ?
Manipulation, on the other hand, is using people’s emotions as tools. You turn fear or guilt into a motivator, hype or moralism to get a desired result. ?
The biggest difference between the two? Manipulation is always selfish. It’s about using people’s feelings to get them to do what you want. ?
Influence, however, is for the greater good. Sure, you have your own desired outcomes, but you don’t want to use people to reach them. Instead, you want to learn how to effectively collaborate and get others to help you at the right times and in the right situations. Ultimately, it’s for the betterment of your organization, not selfish gain. ?
Influencer Power Bases?
There are six power bases in the SDLC environment that are quick to break down in hierarchical environments. ?
Certain power bases are aligned with positive influence more greatly than others. For example, a coercive or expert power base erodes quickly. But a referent power base rooted in teaching, sharing, and growing together is far more influential.?
Tools for Influencing Others?
Once you understand why being likeable is important, you need the right tools to put it into practice. When you understand human behavior and psychology, influence becomes a lot easier. Instead of going against people’s feelings or thoughts, you learn how to appreciate their perspectives, and identify any cognitive biases that could be affecting their perception.?
There are three key communication channels you need to know:?
All of these must exist in harmony to create positive influence. You have to be an open person who speaks in a way that’s approachable, trustworthy, and confident. ?
Communication becomes more effective as it increases in richness. We perceive a face-to-face conversation as much more valuable than an email. If you want to make change happen, you have to understand the importance of varying your approach to get the most effective results. ?
All the while, you have to keep the pillars of likeonomics in mind. Ask yourself, “Am I being relevant?” or “Am I being timely?” before you choose a communication medium.?
You should also consider reciprocity. When you’re unselfish and giving to others, they’re more likely to be the same to you. There’s a natural give-and-take we’re designed for, and knowing how to use it can help you develop greater influence.?
Another important tool for influencers is emotional intelligence. Influential people understand their emotions, they know how to self-evaluate, and they’re more effective at things like communication, negotiation, and conflict resolution.?
Conclusion?
Influence is far more complex than people realize, and it’s not the same as having blind authority. Influencers are acting for the greater good. They develop the skills they need to make positive changes happen. ?
Good influencing skills are becoming increasingly important, especially in agile environments where power corruption has led to major changes in how people work together. ?
Like any skill set, becoming a positive influencer takes time. Start small by practicing self-awareness and mindfulness. Ask yourself what tools you’re currently using to share your thoughts and ideas, and see how you can shift them to be more responsive, respectful, and mutually beneficial.?