The ART of Empathy

I can't stress it enough, empathy is one of the greatest tools we can develop as human beings. In the last article we talked about an easy way to practice empathy. I hope you found it helpful. We also covered the foundation of empathy and some quick rules to keep in mind when applying the skill. If you didn't catch that article don't worry, it's still available. Plus, I'm going to repeat those quick rules in this article along with an easy system for following those rules.

Rules, who needs more rules to follow? Not me, that's for sure. Let's call them guidelines. You're bound to mess up the guidelines and I don't want you to think that you'll be punished or reprimanded for the misfire. With that said, let's dive in.

The Guidelines- #1 Don't offer advice. When someone is in struggle the last thing they need is your advice. If you dive in with advice you're more likely to be appeased with "you're right." Negotiator and author Chris Voss has a done some great work on those two words. Check out his book Never Split the Difference. I use those words when I want to end a debate with my wife. I give her a "you're right" knowing the uncomfortable conversation will go away if she thinks I'm in agreement with her. It's an exit strategy not an agreement on a solution. #2 Don't 1-up them. If I crashed my car and I tell you about it; it's not an opportunity for you to tell me how you crashed yours harder. The shit show that I'm sharing with you is not a competition. Don't try to score higher than your pals. #3 Don't make it about you. Your bud is coming to you and sharing something that makes them vulnerable. If you listen to their statement and then tell them how YOU'RE impacted by the news, they might find themselves needing to console YOU. Then they'll need to follow these guidelines rather than you and that's not empathy. So, it's not an invitation to offer advice, a competition, or a chance to steal the spotlight. Those are the guidelines and this is the definition. Empathy is feeling with someone. That's it, pretty simple, yeah? errrrr, not for everyone. It certainly wasn't the case for me and even though I have a good understanding about it, I still need loads of practice at it. To help me practice what I preach, I created the simple process that follows.

Welcome to the ART of empathy. Acknowledge - Relate - Together The key to using this system is to remember that 90% of it happens in your own head. That's where all the work takes place.

Acknowledge - Oooooooh this one can be a tough one. It means we first have to hear what's being shared. For me to do that I have to script pauses into my interactions. When I hear something that falls outside of my expected responses I have to deliver a self inflicted pause. I'm one of those "need to slow in order to know" kind of dudes. The goal is to not only hear what our counterpart is sharing with us but to absorb it and acknowledge what's said. The goal is to connect with your friend. Hearing is one thing, letting it rattle around on your noggin long enough to absorb is step two, and acknowledging that you've heard them is what we're looking to achieve. How do we demonstrate acknowledgement? A headnod, saying umm-hmm, even softening your posture and leaning in will let them know you're committed to the conversation and giving them your attention.

Relate - Now that you're listening and engaged it's time to connect yourself to the situation. The best way to do that is to dive into your memories and recall a situation when you had a similar experience. Keep it to yourself, this is an internal part of the process. This is the tricky part. You don't need to have the same exact experience. It needs to be loosely connected to the situation that your friend is in. I like to think of this part as discovering the root emotions. Here's an example, your bud is telling you that he was on the way to job interview and POW, a flat tire on his car ruined the plan. What are the core emotions? Frustration, stress, worry, embarrassment, fear, etc. You don't need to get a flat tire to connect with those emotions. The chances that you've been frustrated or worried about being late in the past are high. Think back to those memories and how you felt in those moments. WAIT! Don't go any further than recalling how you felt in the memory you're digging up. You wanna stop just short of providing a solution. This is critical, if you fall into solution mode it cause the empathic response to backfire. Remember Rule #1? No advice. Another thing that makes this middle part as difficult as act 2 in a 3 act story is fighting the urge to share the memory you just thought up. Sharing your story sends the "oh yeah, wait til ya hear what happened to me" message. That's a misfire. Rule #2 Don't 1-up. This is about remembering how you felt so that you can connect with THEIR situation. Relate to their story by remembering your own.

Together - This is when you'll respond verbally. You have to do it in a way that lets them know you're in their space with them. You share their emotional experience, remember how you got out of it, and then you can react from a position of togetherness. It takes practice to get it right. Obviously, we could shout out how sad it makes you or how angry YOU feel, but that would be a bad idea. If you over do it, the situation can quickly become one where the other person needs to start consoling you or showing empathy to you. Rule #3 Don't make it about you. Keep the focus on them. I'm great at the first 2 parts and I practice like wild to nail down this part. I see improvement and it gives me the strength to keep practicing. However, I have yet to unlock the keys to a perfect application of ART in every situation. Rest assured, nobody has it mastered. If you think you know someone that does it perfectly simply ask them if they're 100% all the time and they'll tell you the truth. It takes practice, it gets easier, never perfect, but it will improve.

Because this last part is super tricky I'll give ya some tips that might help. Use some labels to help you connect. Labels are another tool I learned from Chris Voss. A label starts with it looks like, sounds like, feels like , seems like, etc. The goal here is to use the label to let the other person know that you're picking up what they're putting down. Remember that it's important to relate to your counterpart and that a label let's them know if you understand them. Another tip is to speak-up/shut-up. That means right after you toss out a label clam up and give your friend time to respond. If your label is wrong they'll need time to correct you. Let them correct you, it's important for them to be heard. That brings me to my last tip, it's about them. Always remember to make it about them. I can't say it enough, you can go through the journey with them, not for them. Follow their lead and you'll be fine.

As always, I'm a human being and I'm sure I've made a ton of spelling and grammatical errors. If you find them, please message me privately and I'll work to correct them. Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you found value in it please consider sharing it with your network. Looking forward, the next edition will be focused on social media use and behaviors across different platforms. Not and acronymical filter, perhaps a sliding filter though. Thanks for joining in...