The Art of Dignified Disagreement

Happy Tuesday.

Rodney King famously asked, “Can’t we all just get along?”

As someone who has worked with large public agencies in the sphere of conflict resolution for the past two decades, I often find myself asking the same rhetorical question.?

Here’s the answer: No.??We can’t all just get along. To clarify, we CAN get along, and we must, but it requires discipline. People will always have differences of perspective. In a democracy like America, and in a wildly diverse city like Los Angeles, disagreement comes with the territory. Realistically, we can’t expect to get along without effort.

But here’s a key insight from my work: disagreement?per se?is usually not the problem when we’re talking about organizational conflicts in the public square. What makes group dynamics onerous is not simple disagreement, but instead the emotional containers which hold the conflict. When you think about an emotional container, think about water. Think of all the various containers that we fill with water, from the sipper-bottle you bring to the gym, to a child’s wading pool, to an aquarium, to a tall glass filled with ice-cubes, to a birdbath. The water doesn’t change consistency; it’s always water. But the water takes the shape of its container. The same is true of disagreements.

For instance, when a new park is being dedicated, many people have opinions about the process. Let us suppose that you represent a demographic group which has historically been marginalized. You want the new neighborhood park to be named in a way that honors that overlooked history.

Others who don’t share your background may protest, since your request represents a special interest. They want the new park to have a neutral, generic name with universal appeal, since the new park belongs to everyone, not only the demographic represented by your suggestion.

In my experience, this is precisely the sort of emotionally charged disagreement that can turn a perfectly normal Neighborhood Council meeting into a free-for-all. Harsh things are said, accusations are made, feelings are hurt. Your premise, while it may be supported with persuasive historical evidence, is primarily emotional. Opposition may make you feel oppressed, even violated, especially if you represent a constituency that has suffered great injustice. In this case, your emotional container may take the form of a kettle that you’ve just set on the flame of anger. It’s important to turn down the heat before your kettle boils over.

When you find yourself in a disagreement that’s gathering steam, keep these tips in mind:

1.?????Listen to everything, but respond selectively. Don’t feel like you have to counter every point made by your opponent. Skilled orators and debaters cherry-pick from the opposition, and only address the most meaningful points of difference.

2.?????Stay in the “I” space, and stay out of the “you” space. It’s fine to say exactly what you think and feel. But don’t flip the argument so that it turns into your assessment of the other person-- because then you've moved into the realm of personal attack.

3.?????Dig yourself, as the jazz-cats say. Bring awareness to the table. Acknowledge that you’re responding to yur own triggers and biases.?

4.?????Stick to the topic at hand. Don’t dredge up ancient history, unless it has a genuine correlation to the current problem.

5.?????No name-calling, no cheap shots, no finger-pointing.??Playground taunts are guaranteed to raise the temperature of the conflict, almost guaranteeing that no progress will be made on your issue.

Remember that you don’t have to be cruel to be authentic. In the heat of the argument, you may feell justified in taking license to viciously attack your opponent, claiming that you’re merely “keeping it real.” Doing this is opportunistic, and is a form of bullying. It’s never productive. As momentarily satisfying as stepping down into the gutter may be, the high road is always where leadership is most needed, and is most effective.

And if you do find yourself approaching a boil, fuming and rattling and spitting and steaming on the stove burner, call a time-out. Turn down the flame and use that simmering energy to brew a cup of tea – meaning, when you or your opponent are about to blast off thanks to some overheated contents, douse the fire in time to take a much-needed breath, and reconsider what you’ve got brewing as you spill the tea.