The Art of Difficult Conversations (Part 2)

Welcome to the latest edition of the “How to be a Co-Creative Leader” newsletter!

In the last edition of the newsletter, we started talking together about difficult conversations. What are they and how can you prepare to have one with someone. We also talked about different kinds of conversations that you can have.?

We talked about impromptu difficult conversations, feedback conversations with a colleague and finally conversations you may need to have with an employee. Basically, covered everything you needed to know to prepare and invite someone to have a difficult conversation.

To be straight up with you, I kind of had to stop there because that edition was starting to run pretty long. So I kept the last part of the process for this week’s newsletter: How can you manage what is happening in the conversation in a healthy way.

In this edition, I will break down this final part of the process for you. You will learn two key things about difficult conversations: How to notice the unspoken (and spoken cues) and how to manage the flow of the discussion to elevate the conversation.

Let’s get started!

Let’s clear up a few things up front

I realized after posting the last newsletter that I forgot to share something obvious but very important. Difficult conversations happen everywhere in your life, they happen at home, they happen at work as well. They happen with friends or with people in your community.

I’m writing this in the context of LinkedIn which is a professional network so I am keeping my examples here at that level because of that. Keep in mind though that everything I am teaching you here about difficult conversations are things that you can apply everywhere in your life.

If you want to practice and get better at having difficult conversations, I invite you to practice some of these on easy topics with your spouse and children. Why? Well, it may help you in how you communicate with them and it gives you a potential safe space to practice. Don’t start with a very tough conversation with them, start with something not too difficult that you can use to practice and get comfortable with all of this.?

Noticing the dynamics

In a previous newsletter, I talked to you about mastering the art of noticing. To better manage a difficult conversation, one of the first things you need to do is develop the art of noticing what is happening during the conversation.?

The hard part here is to learn how to apply this skill in real time while you are having a difficult conversation with someone. Here is an exercise you can do to practice noticing what is going on in a conversation.

In the next group conversations that you are a part of, try to notice:

1. How do people “show up” in meetings and informal gatherings? How are you feeling their energy and/or their presence?
2. What are the non-verbal cues you can see? What do people seem to be expressing non-verbally? How do they do this?
3. Pay close attention to the discussion. Does it seem useful and productive for the group or not? What verbal queues are you basing your opinion on?
4. What is the level of overall quality of the conversation? Who are the people who are influencing the conversation the most? How are they influencing what is happening?
5. Are people communicating well? What are you basing your opinion on?

After making the above observations during a few encounters for a few days, look at your notes and think about the following:

1. What did you notice that was easiest for you to observe? Why?
2. What are some of the things that were more difficult for you to notice? Why??
3. What did you learn from observing all these meetings? What else could you have observed that could have been of use to you?
4. What things would you like to be able to notice most in your one-on-one conversations?

You will need to do the above exercise and reflections over and over again to really be able to start noticing things in finer detail. When you are not sure an observation is correct, be curious with people. Don’t hesitate to ask them why they reacted in certain ways during meetings and get their point of view on it.

In the end, what I want for you is to get a feeling of noticing the body language so that you can better adapt to others when you are having a difficult conversation. What you may find is that once you start noticing the dynamics going on during the meeting, it becomes easier to do and harder to ignore.

Most of the time, people are so caught up in what they want to say that they do not pay attention to the non-verbal cues that are right in front of them.

The pitfalls of noticing

I shared in the previous section that noticing in real-time is very important to have difficult conversations. While this is true, there are some pitfalls to look out for when doing this:

• Don’t hold your assumptions too tight. You may be correct in what you are picking up from others and you may be wrong as well. The goal of noticing is not to be right 100% of the time but rather to be aware in real time of the dynamics of a conversation.
• Be mindful of projection. When you notice things, this will be based on your filters. At times, you may be assuming something about the other person which is actually a reflection of your own behaviors and beliefs.
• Culture needs to be part of the equation too. Without generalizing once again, there are some behaviors that are more related to certain cultures than to others. When talking about culture here, it could be people or even the organizational culture.
• People will notice you. Your own behaviors, actions and reactions contribute to what you are seeing around you. You need a good level of self-awareness to notice the impact you are having on others as well.
• Virtual meeting considerations. In virtual meetings, You will lose a lot of the non-verbal cues. That is why I often insist for cameras to be on as much as possible so that people can see each other during the meeting.

There are surely more pitfalls to consider but at a high-level, these are some of the things to keep an eye out for when you are noticing what is happening in meetings.

The last skill: Elevating the conversation

As you are having the difficult conversation, the last key skill I teach leaders is to learn to elevate the level of the conversation.?

Difficult conversations can be very emotional and can easily go all over the place. As a leader, whether you initiated the conversation or not, you have a responsibility to elevate the conversation and also keep it safe for the other person.?

Notice here that safe does not imply the conversation will be comfortable but you will make sure the tone remains respectful of the other person.

Here are some things you can do in order to elevate the level of the conversation as it is happening:

1. Allow people to express themselves. Make sure the other person knows they will have the space to share their perspective. Try to listen closely to what the other person is telling you and how they are sharing it with you. Acknowledge what they are telling you but don’t overly react to their emotional tone. Emotions are fine in conversations.?
2. Avoid personal attacks and judgements. It’s easy to fall into a game of who is right and who is wrong, but in the end, this is not a productive conversation. Avoid responding to attacks or judgments of others, call it out respectfully and redirect the discussion.
3. Steer clear of generalizations. Stick to the facts and avoid subjective opinions or exaggerations. Words like “always” and “never” are good examples of this. People will start looking for exceptions rather than participate in the discussion.
4. Name and challenge assumptions. It can be useful to notice the assumptions either of you are making during the discussion. Elevating the conversation can be just naming the assumption that you or the other person may be making.
5. Acknowledge perspectives and similarities. Remember that in some discussions, there is a possibility that you are both right in what you are saying. It just depends at how you are looking at things. Elevating the conversation here is acknowledging the differences and the validity of the point of view of you and the other person.

If you would like more information about how to elevate the conversation you can visit this article on my blog. It goes over the points above in more detail and give you a few additional tips that you can apply to elevate conversations.

Conclusion

In this edition of the newsletter, I shared with you the last two parts of what I teach leaders when it comes to handling difficult conversations: Noticing the dynamics of the conversation and how to elevate the conversation as it is happening.

Combining these skills with the content of the previous newsletter gives you some actionable things that you can do to better manage difficult conversations. Don’t forget, difficult conversations are everywhere in your life, not just in business. Taking the time to learn and practice the teachings in these newsletters will help you everywhere as a leader.

When you are in a difficult conversation, the first key skill is the ability to notice the dynamics of the conversation in real-time. What are the non-verbal cues of how the conversation is going? What are the verbal cues as well that you can notice??

We also covered various pitfalls you may encounter as you are noticing the dynamics of the conversation. The content we covered here is not meant as absolutes but just things to take into consideration.

Finally, as you are in the conversation, we spoke about the importance of being able to elevate the conversation. This is an important skill with individuals but also when working with your team as a whole.

Remember, mastering these skills takes practice. Start with easier conversations in safe environments, like with family members, before tackling more challenging professional situations.

By honing your ability to notice dynamics and elevate conversations, you'll be better equipped to handle difficult discussions with confidence, empathy, and effectiveness.?

Thank you for engaging with this newsletter. I look forward to hearing about how you apply these skills in your own difficult conversations. If you have any experiences or insights you'd like to share, please don't hesitate to reach out!

Call to Action

Are you ready to dive deeper into mastering difficult conversations? If today’s insights sparked your curiosity and you are ready to explore further, I’m here to guide you. Click here to schedule a discovery call with me. Together, we can tailor a development plan that aligns with your unique leadership style and goals.

Thank you for taking the time to engage with this newsletter, and I look forward to supporting you in your journey to becoming a co-creative leader.

About Steffan Surdek

?? Are you ready to elevate your leadership to the next level?

With over a decade of experience in leadership coaching, I've dedicated my career to helping executives and management teams unlock their full potential. My approach is centered around the concept of Co-Creative Leadership, focusing on fostering a culture of collaboration and action-oriented learning.

If you're looking to transform your team's dynamics, enhance collaboration, or reduce conversational debt, I'm here to guide you. Feel free to schedule a discovery call by clicking here.

For more information:

• Visit our website: https://www.surdek.com
• Visit our blog: https://www.surdek.com/blog

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