The Art of Difficult Conversations
I don’t know if you have noticed this - the heart of any relationship is communication. It is the one skill that helps you build and nurture a new relationship.
Think of a person with whom you could share anything without holding back, a person who gets your words and your silence, a person you are not afraid would judge you.
Isn’t that one of the most precious relationships in your life?
The depth and maturity of a relationship depend on the ease with which you could communicate, and the ease with which you could have difficult conversations.
Be it at your home or your workplace the art of having difficult conversations is a vital skill. And, I believe it is one of the most underrated skills too.
Harvard Business School professor Noam Wasserman writes in his book "The Founder's Dilemma" that 65 per cent of high-potential firms fail due to disputes among co-founders.
It is not much different in a marriage. Most conflicts in a relationship get worse as a result of avoiding difficult conversations.
Here is a conversation I had with a client recently. He is a startup founder, and is talking about his cofounder:
"He is very stubborn and convinces me to agree with him."
How does he convince you to agree with him?
“He will give all the reasons why it is the best way forward.”
Do you agree with him even when you believe it is not the best way forward?
“At times, when it is not a significant step I tend to agree with him to avoid the conflict and move forward.”
That sounds more like you convincing yourself to agree with him than he convincing you to agree.
“Yeah, that’s true.”
Do you tend to avoid conflicts?
“I stand my ground when it is something I have strong opinions about. Otherwise, I prefer to avoid conflict. I see it as a waste of time.”
Is it really a waste of time?
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“I see no point in having long discussions when I know it is not gonna go anywhere?”
Would it be of value if it could go somewhere?
“Yeah, it will be. However, when it’s not something critical I prefer to not invest too much time and energy into it.”
I get that. However, with the speed at which you are planning to grow, you cannot wait till things become critical before you attend to them.
“That’s true.”
Do you see any benefit in expressing your disagreements even when it is not a critical matter?
“Yeah, it will prepare me for the critical conversations. Also if we manage to hold these conversations it might deepen our relationship too.”
Yes, the ability to hold difficult conversations deepens any relationship. However, the idea is not to jump right into the middle of it. But being open to addressing it is important.
“Absolutely!”
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All of us have some reasons/excuses to avoid difficult conversations. For this client the excuses were, “It’s a waste of time” and “I stand my ground when it really matters.”
While there is some truth in both those statements, it was evident that he was not very happy and comfortable with the relationship he is sharing with the co-founder.
You need not wait till something becomes critical before you attend it. Most challenges in relationships take birth from avoiding conversations that are not pleasant.
Reflection Question
Are there conversations that you are avoiding with your parents, partners, colleagues or anyone who matter to you?
If so, what’s your reason for not having that conversation?