The Art of Compassion: How to Support Someone in Grief

Over the past two years, I’ve faced some of the most challenging losses of my life. I lost two pregnancies, each one more painful than the last, and also my beloved mentor, who passed away from stage 4 liver cancer at the age of 84. His death coincided with my 37th birthday, a day that brought me to my knees with grief and fever. These experiences have taught me so much about the nature of grief and the profound need for compassion during such times. This article explores the essence of compassion, how it evolves from empathy, the nature of grief, and practical ways to offer genuine support when it’s needed most.

Understanding Empathy and Compassion

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling—to step into their shoes and share in their emotions. It’s the starting point for connection, but it’s not the whole journey. Compassion is where empathy transforms into action. It’s not just about understanding another’s pain; it’s about wanting to help alleviate it. Compassion is about being present, offering support, and sometimes, just holding space for someone’s emotions without trying to fix them.

The Waves of Grief

Grief doesn’t follow a neat, linear path. It comes in waves, sometimes crashing over us with an intensity that takes our breath away, and other times receding, giving us moments of calm before the next wave hits. These waves can be disorienting, leaving us feeling like we're in the middle of a storm with no clear direction.

For me, grief after my pregnancy losses was like that—an unpredictable tide that kept pulling me under just when I thought I could breathe again. One moment, I was functioning normally, and the next, I was overwhelmed by sadness and loss. Understanding that grief comes in waves helped me realize that it’s okay to feel okay one minute and not the next.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the idea of the five stages of grief in her book "On Death and Dying." Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance are not steps on a staircase you climb one after the other. They are more like the weather—sometimes one stage dominates, and sometimes they all come at once. Not everyone will experience all of these stages, and that’s okay. Grief is a deeply personal journey, unique to each of us.

The Impact of Silence

Silence can have a profound impact on someone who is grieving, and not always in a good way. When those around us remain silent—whether out of discomfort, fear of saying the wrong thing, or simply not knowing what to do—it can feel like abandonment. The absence of words or actions can amplify the sense of isolation that often accompanies grief, making the grieving person feel even more alone in their pain. I am sad to say that I had many of those moments. I do not wish them on anyone and I know that with some awareness and education, we can work towards building a world together where this will happen less and less.

I’ve noticed that when people don’t know what to say, they often choose to say nothing at all. But this silence can be more painful than any awkward words. I often felt like the world had moved on and left me behind, alone with my grief. I’ve learned that while silence can sometimes hold space my pain, it’s also important to find the right moments to speak, to reach out, and to let me know I are not alone.

Why Compassion Matters

When someone is grieving, they often feel isolated, like they’re carrying this heavy burden that no one else can understand. Compassion is the bridge that connects them back to the world. It’s the quiet assurance that they are not alone, that their pain is seen, and that someone cares enough to be there with them, even if they can’t take the pain away.

Compassion can make the difference between feeling abandoned in grief and feeling supported. It’s a crucial element of the healing process, helping those in pain to feel connected and understood.

How to Show Compassion: Practical Tips

So, how do we show compassion in a way that truly supports someone who is grieving? Here are some practical tips:

1. Listen Without Judgment: One of the most powerful acts of compassion is simply listening. When someone shares their grief, resist the urge to offer solutions or advice. Instead, focus on being fully present. Listen to their words, their emotions, and what they’re not saying. Let them express their pain without interruption or judgment. I remember a time when a friend just sat with me in silence. She didn’t try to fill the space with words; she just let me talk—or not talk. That silence felt like an embrace, a space where I could just be with my feelings without the pressure to make sense of them.
2. Offer Your Presence: Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Just being there, physically or emotionally, can be enough. Sit with them, hold their hand, or give them a hug. Physical touch and presence can be incredibly comforting, letting the person know that they are not alone in their sorrow. After my mentor's passing, a friend held me while I cried. It was easier to release the emotions when someone was with me, almost as if my grief needed to be witnessed. I cried less when I was alone, but being held by someone made it possible for me to let go of the pain. It was a simple act, but it meant everything to me.
3. Acknowledge Their Pain: Validate their feelings by acknowledging the depth of their pain. You might say, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I’m here for you.” Simple, honest statements like this can go a long way in making someone feel supported. When I lost my third pregnancy, a friend said to me, “I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” It wasn’t a solution, but it was what I needed—a recognition of my pain and the assurance that I wasn’t alone. I felt uplifted and the darkness brightened during the moment we shared together. Thank you Brandon Courban and Jay Mariyappan for your kind compassion years ago.
4. Respect Their Process: Grief is personal, and everyone experiences it differently. Some may want to talk about their feelings, while others may prefer silence. Respect their process and let them guide the interaction. Offer support in the way they need it, not necessarily the way you think they should grieve. I’ve seen how different my friends’ and clients' grieving processes can be. Some wanted to talk through every detail, while others needed space. The most compassionate thing you can do is to let them grieve in their own way, at their own pace.
5. Avoid Clichés and Platitudes: Well-meaning phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place now” can feel dismissive to someone who is grieving. Instead, focus on acknowledging the pain and offering support without trying to explain it away. Saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m here for you, whatever you need” is often more comforting. I’ve personally heard so many of the clichés, and they never helped. What did help were the people who didn’t try to explain my pain away, who didn’t try to make it better with words that only made me feel more alone.
6. Be Patient: Grief doesn’t have a timeline. It’s important to be patient and understand that the person may need ongoing support. Check in with them periodically, even after the initial wave of condolences has passed. Let them know that you’re still there, whether it’s weeks, months, or even years later. I had a friend who checked in with me every few weeks, long after everyone else had moved on. Her patience meant so much because it told me that my grief was still valid, even when it seemed like the rest of the world had forgotten. Thank you Sheli Bowman for the love flying to Thailand to be with me and checking in long after. Thank you Shane Kelly for your eternal patience and love for me.
7. Help in Practical Ways: Grief can make even the simplest everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering to help with practical matters—like cooking meals, running errands, or watching their children—can be a deeply compassionate way to provide support. These gestures show that you’re not only thinking of them but also willing to help lighten their load. When I was living in Phuket and recovering from my losses, a friend offered me a job as a therapist at her healing center. Being able to take care of others helped pull me out of my grief and back into service, which did wonders for my own healing. Thank you Pornthip N. and your amazing team at Chivitr Residence (Health & Rejuvenation) for taking me in and helping me remember who I am.
8. Use Their Loved One’s Name: If they’ve lost a person or a pregnancy, don’t shy away from using the name of the deceased. It honors their memory and acknowledges the reality of their loss. It’s a simple act that can bring comfort and connection. When friends and therapists referred to my lost pregnancies by name, it made me feel like my babies mattered, that they weren’t just an idea or a hope, but real beings who had existed and been loved. I named them Alice, Eric and Luna.
9. Understand the Importance of Silence: There are times when no words are needed. Sitting in silence, holding their hand, or simply being near can be one of the most profound ways to show compassion. This kind of silence, paired with presence and a gentle touch, creates a powerful sense of support. It allows the grieving person to fully experience their emotions while knowing they are not alone. Balancing silence with the right words at the right time ensures they feel held, both emotionally and physically, without feeling abandoned in their grief.
10. Offer Activities That Soothe: Sometimes, getting out of the house and into nature can help someone in grief. Offer to take them for a walk, spend time with pets, or engage in a calming activity like gardening. Sharing books or movies on grief can also be a gentle way to process emotions together. Some of my favorite movies that explore grief are The Starling and Penguin Bloom—they beautifully depict the journey of healing after loss. After my mentor passed away, I found solace in nature. Walking through the park, feeling the earth beneath my feet, and just being surrounded by the quiet strength of the trees helped me process my loss. A friend joined me on these walks, offering silent companionship, which was exactly what I needed. Sometimes, being in nature or engaging in a simple, soothing activity can create space for healing in a way that words cannot.
11. Be Mindful of Your Own Discomfort:

• It’s natural to feel uncomfortable around grief, but it’s important not to let that discomfort dictate your actions. If you’re unsure of what to say or do, it’s okay to admit that. Saying, “I don’t know the right words, but I’m here for you,” can be deeply reassuring. When my mentor died, I felt an immense loss, but I also noticed how uncomfortable it made others feel. It was as if my grief was a burden they didn’t know how to carry. But those who admitted their discomfort and just offered their presence helped me the most. They showed me that it’s okay not to have all the answers, that sometimes, just being there is enough.

Supporting the Process of Honouring the Deceased

When someone close to us passes away, one of the most challenging aspects of grief is finding a way to honor their memory. Encouraging the grieving person to write a eulogy can be a powerful and cathartic way for them to process their loss. This isn’t about crafting the perfect speech; it’s about giving them the opportunity to reflect on the impact their loved one had on their life and the lives of others.

Writing a eulogy can help the grieving person organise their thoughts and emotions, allowing them to express feelings that might be too overwhelming to articulate otherwise. It’s a way to channel grief into something meaningful, to transform pain into a tribute to the person they’ve lost.

If the person you’re supporting is open to the idea, gently suggest that they consider writing down their thoughts about their loved one. Let them know that it doesn’t have to be shared publicly if they’re not comfortable with that—sometimes just the act of writing can be healing in itself.

For me, writing eulogies has always been a deeply personal way to honour those I’ve lost. I’ve written eulogies for every family member and friend who has passed, capturing the good, the bad, the ugly, the most annoying, and the best of the best. I would cry my eyes out each time, but through those tears, I found a way to express the full range of my emotions—the love, the frustration, the sadness, and the gratitude. Writing those eulogies allowed me to grieve fully and to remember the entirety of who that person was in my life.

Beyond writing, you can also suggest other ways to honor the deceased that might resonate with the grieving person. For example, arranging a memorial service, even if it’s virtual, can create a space for collective mourning, which can be incredibly healing. When my mentor was buried, I arranged for the service in Laos to be live-streamed so that all his mentees and students around the world could participate. The experience of saying goodbye together, even from different locations, provided a powerful sense of connection and closure.

Encourage the grieving person to talk about their loved one, to share stories and memories. This can help keep the person’s memory alive and allow the grieving person to process their emotions in a supportive environment. Let them know that it’s okay to continue speaking about the deceased, that it’s a normal and healthy part of the grieving process.

Finally, remind them that grief doesn’t follow a specific timeline. The pain might lessen over time, but the need to honor and remember the person they lost may continue. Support them in finding their own ways to keep that connection alive, whether it’s through writing, storytelling, or simply taking time to reflect.

Conclusion: The Power of Compassion in Grief

Compassion is not just a feeling—it’s an action, a choice to step into someone else’s pain and offer them comfort and support. In a world where grief can often feel isolating, showing compassion can make all the difference. It’s about more than just finding the right words; it’s about being present, patient, and understanding.

Grief is a journey that no one should have to walk alone. Whether through listening without judgment, offering your presence, helping with practical tasks, or encouraging the grieving person to honor their loved one in a way that feels meaningful to them, your compassionate actions can help ease their burden. By being there, by acknowledging their pain, and by gently guiding them through the process of mourning, you can help create a supportive, connected community where no one has to grieve in silence.

I hope this article will help you understand the profound impact that your compassion can have on someone who is grieving. By showing up, acknowledging their pain, and gently guiding them through the mourning process, you can create a supportive and connected environment where no one has to grieve in silence. In those moments of deep sorrow, your compassion can be a lifeline—a reminder that they are not alone, that their pain is seen, and that healing, though slow, is possible.

Thank you for being here with me. If this article resonated with you or if you know someone who could benefit from it, please share it with them.

From my heart to yours,

Delphine Supanya Berger

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Hello, I’m Delphine Supanya. I help individuals and organizations achieve optimal wellness by integrating traditional wisdom with cutting-edge science. With experience across multiple sectors, I design and implement wellness programs that blend medical science with holistic health practices. I’m passionate about creating strategies that nurture mental, emotional, physical, and energetic vitality. For speaking engagements or collaborations, you can reach me at [email protected] .