The art of communication in Marriage

Well good evening all you men today. It is so so good to be spending time with you and wow what a couple of months, I cannot believe that we already almost in October and that once again things are changing. More on that a bit later. Today we are carrying on with the talk in marriages, and you might not be married today but the topic we are covering is also meant for you today. We are going to look at the art of communication and how we communicate to our wives and people, in general, make a difference as we are Christians. I do think that we all failed in communication in one or another way. Miss communication, aggressive communication, not communicating at all.  

You know I have 2 daughters and them in that phase now of Disney stories. And as a dad, I love spending time with them watching those movies. There is the story called the little mermaid that I want to share with you a little bit today. The Little Mermaid story or watched the Disney version, you might think this is every woman’s fantasy. It is a wonderful, romantic fairy tale of a beautiful girl falling in love with a handsome, rich, and dashing prince, overcoming insurmountable odds to be together with a storybook wedding at the end. Ah, what bliss!

But looked at another way, the Disney story might be the quintessential man’s fantasy. Think about the scenario: Woman falls in love with a man, at first sight, SHE pursues HIM at great personal cost without him lifting a finger to romance her.

See, men and women have different definitions and communication of love. What men and women can agree on is that love is a great thing? It is no wonder there are fairy tales told about it. There’s magnetic attraction, wonder, chemistry, and fun. And all that energy is enough to get us hopelessly entangled into relationships and, eventually, promises of lifelong fidelity and faithfulness and togetherness.

A Wedding ensues. Which is the event that ends all Disney fairy tales? As if that were the END of the story and not the beginning. As if there was nothing interesting to report after that moment. It can all be summarized in 6 words: “And They Lived Happily Ever After.”

But we do not live in a fairy tale. We must keep on living and loving AFTER the credit’s role. What about AFTER happily ever? This series addresses the rest of the story – the marriage challenges and the victories we can have through God’s plan, God’s wisdom, and God’s power

Some of you may think the church’s way of looking at marriage is hopelessly outdated and irrelevant for today. Many believe that we need to live together to see if it will work ours. Trial and error. We have sex before marriage because we want to be compatible, really how do you want to figure it out, it is made to plug and play( I am an IT guy so excuse the pun) The stats tell us that cohabitation actually becomes a trial divorce.

You see when I speak to married couples, a lot of the problems started with not communicating with each other. Why is communication so difficult? The Bible teaches that in creation, God splits his image into a duality, male and female. And in marriage, he calls them back together into oneness. You see rebellion occurs when we do not know how to communicate with each other. We are taught culturally that women must demand to have control over their husbands and Husbands we are the boss of the house, so we need to dominate our wives.

So, let me put it this way So every marriage has two sinners living in it. That is a lot of sin in one place. Add to the sin, is 2 people that are different in the way we think and act? SO why would God make us so different? When you think about it, this is the main vessel where we learn to love. Love that is MOST loving is reaching, giving, and self-sacrificing. And so, it is the contrast that makes communication so difficult but also makes love worth something.

You know when you have a breakdown in communication our human flesh tends to tell us a few lies about how we should handle it and it just makes things worse. I mean let us just look at the following things that I have seen happen when communication breaks down.

We start to look down at our spouse because they cannot see the point as we do, and that they suggestions are not as smart as ours. We start to think we need to dumb down our communication with them. We then come to a point that we would rather not talk at all because it is too much work and that nothing will change in any way.

You see in marriage we try in communication subconsciously trying to change the person to be the same as us. Let us be honest we tried to change our wives, our girlfriends to think like us, but what we actually did is that we broke down communication because it comes across that we do not value their viewpoint anymore, and they would rather go with the flow than to change.

You see the bible comes against that thought process and we see that in 1 Peter 3:7 (CSB) Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honour as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

You see there’s mutual giving that God requires in a marriage that calls us to sacrifice. In fact,

You can’t get a higher calling to self-sacrifice and submerging your own will for the good of the other than that want us to realize that the road of communication is opened by God first calling us to reach out, to bridge a communication gap, someone has to reach across a divide.

Let me put it this way I am afraid that most marriage manuals today are an exercise in trying to extract fulfillment out of the person you are with, without making that person go away. You can see right away that God’s instruction is the opposite. But you may say, Louis, what about me and my needs?  In giving you receive, in losing your life you will find it

I am not of course condoning spousal abuse or neglect. But in most cases, our mates will respond to self-giving with awe and life change. And even if they do not, God will. In most cases, if we guard our hearts, if we pre-emptively withhold our affection until we get some and ask what you have done for me lately – we will find ourselves protected but alone and miserable. We will find our lives and lose them at the same time.

So how do we as men communicate properly to our wives, girlfriends, and even we can take this to any relationship we have in the work area to the family? How do we make sure we communicate properly?      

Well, number 1 we need to understand those words and our body language and our tone of voice plays a big big part in it. When we communicate our words properly when we put our spouse's needs and wants first things to change.

When used properly, words our body language tone of voice, promote understanding and encourage agreement. When misused, they usually aggravate offenses and drive people farther apart. With the help of God’s word, we can solve this communication gap we read in Ephesians 4:15 (CSB) But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ.

I want to give you 3 basic communication skills today, that you can work on from after this meeting tonight that will help you to communicate better and do it in a Godly way. The first one is this, and this is already a tough one.

Speak only to build up your spouse, girlfriends, and others.

Ephesians 4:29 (CSB)No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear. If you look at this verse we are told that no foul language must come from our mouths, but I want to state it is not only swear words but also talking down to your spouse, like telling them you just like your mother, anything that degrades them. It is foul language if you put the person down with your words and actions and if it does not build them up.

If you must look back now, how did you speak to your wife? How did you speak to your wife in your last argument? When last did you build up your wife and asked her what her dreams and goals are?

A good way to make sure you lift your spouse is to avoid gossiping about her to your friends, to your family, and not letting the whole world know what your laundry looks like. Proverbs 10:19 (CSB) When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.

This also means that we need to rather when we have certain issues or we need to communicate to rather talk to each other, and not go look for “advice” before you have spoken to your spouse. When you speak to your spouse as men we need to think of our tone of voice and if we are negative and critical.

The bible commands us to say good things about each other, to lift each other Luke 6:28 (CSB) bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Now I am not wanting you to make your wife the enemy. No, But if we are called to treat all people like this, how much more respect and love do we need to show to our wives that we are in a covenant with.

Understand this, that none of these verses said there will be a confrontation. In marriage, there will be, but that confrontation must rather be constructive than hurtful.

I have seen Most often; your wife will treat you as you treat her. If you are aggressive and overbearing, do not be surprised if an argument develops. If you are patient and gentle, they will probably respond in a similar manner.

My second point is this: Be quick to listen and this man is something that does not come naturally to us. Let us look at James 1:19 (CSB) My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, When we are quite and we listen not to react but listen to understand it shows your wife the following: That you are genuine showing humility, It shows that you value her input and her point of view.

IT shows that yes men that you want her input because you do not have all the answers, and no it does not show weakness. It shows maturity. It shows to your wife, that you value her thoughts and opinions.

You see when you quick to listen you also need to be slow to speak. Now I really do struggle with this sometimes. Effective listening according to experts listens to this Simply waiting patiently while others talk. Easy is it not. Unless we learn to wait while your wife talks, you will seldom get to the root of the problems and it will complicate things more, because of the reactions we make.

Let me use this example. Let say your wife works on the mine, which is possible in the city we leave in, and she is a late home one night. You have the rule that hey if you later at home than 6 pm we call each other. So, let us say she walks in at 6:45 pm. What will be your first question? Yes, correct. Why are you late? Then she answers I am late because and before she can carry on you already have the next question in your head and you are tuned out her answer because your next question is? Why did you not phone me, and she could not even complete the sentence. So the argument gets heated cause now we all throwing accusations like you never listen, and why did you not call and meantime if we waited patiently you would have heard there was an accident in front of her and she tried to pull the people to safety, but because we listened to react, we never actually asked if she is ok? Is she ok physically and mentally?

Proverbs 18:13 (CSB) The one who gives an answer before he listens— this is foolishness and disgrace for him. We cannot jump to premature conclusions; we cannot rehearse the argument in our minds before we even talked. We need to be comfortable with silence when your spouse speaks. When you have listened carefully, and you acknowledge what is true, then you can and speak about the points of disagreement.

This is so important, especially when we are in the wrong to say, you are right, I was wrong. We need to resist the temptation to defend or blame others for the mistakes that we have made, ask yourself is their truth in what they are saying if yes, then acknowledge it. Proverbs 9:8-9 (CSB) Don’t rebuke a mocker, or he will hate you; rebuke the wise, and he will love you. Instruct the wise, and he will be wiser still; teach the righteous, and he will learn more.

Please this does not mean that you need to accept all the responsibility and never talk, it just means we need to be wiser when we communicate with each other.

Then my last point is this: Heal with wise communication. Proverbs 12:18 (CSB) There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing. When we are loose cannons, we hurt people, we do not heal. So, I want to jump quickly into how we handle confrontation. Well, I have found a few things that really helped me to be wise in handling marriage confrontation. Choose the right place and time. Do not confront them in public, when they preoccupied or in a bad mood. Make sure that you both present when you need to discuss things.

Like we said a few weeks ago, belief the best of your wife. The absolute best. Do not go into it like trying to belittle her, she will sense it and think you already made up your mind and it will become pointless to talk to her.

Talk in person always when you need to communicate crucial messages. WhatsApp is so so dangerous for trying to resolve matters, why because there is not a facial expression or body language involved. I mean you can type “ Yes we will talk at home and your spouse can see it in so many different ways” EG: Do different face angles”  Rather wait for an opportunity to speak it will cut off a lot of confusion. Voice notes also do not help if you cannot even listen to your spouse live because you will just forward the voice note to the end pretend you listen and reply totally incorrectly. I know I did this.

Plan your words carefully. The devil will really try and come and look for ways to take it to become personal. He likes that we fight each other and not him because when you look at each other accusing each other, the focus is off him and on your wife. Rather see that the fight is spiritual, that the devil does not like marriages to succeed. That he wants to break you up. BUT God shows us especially in His Word how we can rather fight together, communicate properly, and reminds us, it is not what we can get out, but what we can put in.