The Art of the Boundary

The digital age has brought a very interesting dichotomy to boundary management for most of us. We are always available on our phones, and I still hear complaints about managers expecting responses to WhatsApp messages late at night. Undoubtedly, you have heard your fair share of complaints about a lack of work-life balance, since people are now required to work at home. However, I think there is another perspective that we often ignore – people work from home but they also “home from work.” It is so easy to quickly send off an email to a colleague whilst in line at Woolworths, and to pay our bills or conduct a vigorous WhatsApp fight with our partner during office hours.?

There is a massive outcry about managing boundaries and yet our technology ensures that those boundaries are becoming more and more blurred. Work-life balance is probably only one of many blurred boundaries. Blurred lines are everywhere; some use apps such asLife360 for the ‘safety’ of their family members, but mainly use the app as a way to check for transgressions; friends ‘stalk’ each other on social media to check up on any activities they were not invited to; family members assume you owe them something because you have a job and a car… the list goes on. We all suddenly seem to be responsible for those not as well off as we are.?

And that’s just other people infringing on our boundaries… what about our own infringements on our own boundaries? Saying yes to a party invitation despite really not wanting to go? Inviting people that you don’t feel like spending time with to your house or function but that you are ‘obliged’ to include?

There is a reason why books like?F**k It ?and?The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving A F*ck? are so popular: they remind us that we have say and could impose the odd boundary here and there, and do it powerfully, at that. (Check out Sara Knight’s epic Ted Talk on the topic?here .)

So what exactly is a boundary?

Boundaries involve your time, your money, and even your well-being.?

Money is probably the easiest boundary for most of us to manage. If the girls invite you for a spa-weekend, or the boys insist you join them for a fishing trip, the easiest “No” sounds like this: “I wish I could, but I can’t afford it right now.”

Firstly, this boundary is decided for you by what you earn. Within that boundary, there are priorities. Bond, car instalment, school fees, fuel, and food. Those are paid first because they are the most important. Then the ‘luxury’ budget for eating out, maybe a movie on the weekend, perhaps a snack from the canteen for lunch… Once the money is gone, the boundary is enforced. It’s Provitas for lunch for the rest of the month or you could swipe a credit card and zoom your way right past that boundary. But the problem with that is that next month, you have less money to spend since you are now literally paying for last month’s broken boundary in the form of credit card bills.

A time boundary works exactly the same, but for some reason, it is less respected. “I don’t have time to go” is met with less gravitas than “I don’t have money to go.” However, just as your salary is a set boundary you pay for when you disregard it, your time boundary is the same. You only have twenty-four hours in a day. The moment you swipe your ‘time credit card,’ that payment will be extracted somewhere, whether it is less family time, less sleep, less me-time, or a new deadline to stress about. You will have to pay off your time “credit card” with steep interest.

Well-being carries its own credit card. Health and well-being is about more than just going to the gym and eating salads in public while sneaking Twix bars at night when the kids are asleep. It is the total experience of what makes your life worth living. Well-being starts with taking time to exercise, but also taking time to relax and rest. It is about eating healthily, but enjoying a slice of cake when you feel like it. It is about working hard and playing just as hard. However, here the boundaries are not as clear. Exercise is important, but it’s often the first thing to be sacrificed when we are under pressure. Or we exercise according to others’ boundaries – we go to gym to please a partner whilst we would have preferred to play action netball or soccer. Sometimes a boundary is enforced on us, such as when a partner enforces a new diet whether we wanted it or not, or we are forced to watch a movie we have no interest in to keep the peace. Every time you sacrifice a want or a need in order to keep the peace or please someone else, your boundary is weakened, and that card is swiped, along with the interest and having fewer resources the next round. But here the resources are happiness, energy, confidence, self-actualisation, and so forth.

How to View Time, Money and Well-being Boundaries

Think of the wall around your property. That is a boundary. It marks the perimeter of what is yours.?

Now consider why. Obviously it keeps intruders out (and if you have children, your loved ones in). But the wall assists with more than that. It warns you. If a pedestrian is walking past on the outside of your wall, there is no danger to be sensed. That individual and their business hold no threat to your well-being. However, a person walking on the inside of your wall is an instant alarm. Anyone without an invitation to the inside perimeter is, by definition, an intruder. This makes them a threat.?

A wall is not an easy thing to move. It takes time and money to change a boundary wall around a property. And that is why we install a gate. Think about your gate at home. It is probably quite a large structure, and made of steel. Most likely as strong, if not stronger, than the wall, since most see a gate as a weaker point in the defence. The gate probably has either barbed wire or electric fencing, similar to the wall. And probably, it is either automatic, or proudly sports a big lock.

However, the gate, while probably equal in protective value to the wall, has one big difference: it opens and closes. And you can use this visualisation when dealing with your personal boundaries.

Imagine an invited visitor to your property. Upon arrival, you would easily press a button, the gate would open, and they would be allowed in. At this point, the gate closes. Because one person was allowed entry, it does not mean the gate is now open and anyone else may enter. They were not the ones you invited.

Tip 1: Allowing one person entry into your boundary does not mean entry for all.

Sometimes a visitor shows up unannounced. In this case, an intercom or telephonic conversation is likely to ensue, where the visitor states their case and you decide whether you wish to allow entry or not. If the visitor is well liked and trusted, they may gain entry easily. However, if they do not present a compelling case or have your trust, you may disallow entry.?

Tip 2: You decide WHO enters and WHY.

Your visitor is now enjoying the purpose of the visit: be it a catchup, a braai, or a service provider fixing something in your house. But at some point, the visit ends. Sometimes the activities run a natural course (food’s finished and we’re tired, or the work is done). At this point, the guest will either take their leave or you would politely indicate that the visit is over. The guest leaves by you pressing a button again to open the gate, and promptly closing it as they leave.?

Tip 3: Invitations are not indefinite.

Now let’s say the very next day the same visitor returns. It’s a whole new day with a whole new context… yesterday’s invitation no longer stands, so yet again the visitor will only gain access based on the merit of the current situation. In other words, just because they came yesterday, that does not mean they have to be there today.?

Tip 4: One entry into the boundary does not guarantee future entries.?

Finally, sometimes you open the gate to let yourself out. You might be heading to the shops or to work. You close the gate behind you, but because you have a remote for your gate, you can return at any time.?

Tip 5: Crossing your own boundary does not mean you can never go back.

If you can start seeing your time, money and well-being as a very solid boundary wall with a gate, it might assist you to enforce your boundaries more assertively. For example, if for the sake of your sanity you indulge in some comfort food and ice cream, despite being on a diet, you activate Tip 5: you crossed the boundary, and now you’re simply heading back. No harm done, nothing irreversible has happened.?

Or just because you assisted a well-liked colleague under pressure, this does not mean you have to assist everyone. You activate Tip 1: just because you allowed one guest in, everyone else does not automatically gain access.?

How to Make It Happen

Be clear on your three boundaries and create a budget.

A time budget for the week might look like this:

4 hours for extended family

This includes driving grandma to the shops and fixing your aged uncle’s PC.

4 hours me-time

This means about half an hour a day for reading, meditating, or hobbies ? or it means a spa day on Saturday.?

4 hours partner time

This could be a bit of time at the start and end of each day to quietly connect, even if it is just sharing a coffee before the day starts, or it could be date night on Friday.

7 hours family time

This could be an hour every night with the kids, free from TV and phones, with quality conversation and interaction, or it could be a family day over the weekend.?

This budget can be created to suit your unique situation.?

The same goes for money. How much money are you willing to ‘loan’ to family, knowing that it will never come back? How much money goes to kids for shoes and Xbox games, compared to the amount you spend on yourself, be it a new handbag or an online course?

And finally, create your well-being budget. What is the limit that you are willing to give to your job in terms of time, energy, and well-being? Know at what point you’ve given too much, and if the budget is finished, it is finished. You don’t then swipe the well-being credit card and work on the weekend, because the cost is the time budget you had set aside for friends or family, or YOURSELF.?

Just as you receive a “low funds” notification from your bank, learn the signs of “low well-being funds”. Are you frustrated? Suffering from a headache? Grumpy? Short fused? Tired? Anxious? Stressed? Sad? Embarrassed? Belittled? Scared? Angry? Resentful?

These are the signs that the budget is finished. That’s the point where you take action. When the budget is depleted, that’s where you employ all those boundary management tips and say, “Sorry, I can’t make it,” or, “I’m afraid I can’t assist right now, happy to help tomorrow morning though.” And if need be, it’s where you ask the visitor not to return: “This isn’t what I need from a relationship right now,” or “You don’t treat me the way I’d prefer to be treated, so this is not working out.”?

So remember that anybody accessing YOUR time, money and well-being is a visitor to YOUR PROPERTY. You ultimately call the shots.?Contact me ?if you believe that I can be useful on your path to setting boundaries and keeping emotional, money, and time, property safe.?

I'm an experienced Senior Business Consultant helping people across divergent industries to balance all areas of their lives for a happier and more fulfilled worklife. I'm skilled in Emotional Intelligence (training and coaching), Career Development, HR Consulting, Organisation Development, Coaching, and Psychological Assessment. Read more articles on my website: www.avssa.net

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