The Art of Being Real (Online)

“The more me I am, the more successful I am in business too” – Fredrik Eklund

Think about this: You spend 25-30 years of your life at work and almost as many online now. Even if your fake version is well liked, you can't truly connect to it because it's not really you. It feels fraudulent. 

(Being real is not to be confused with authenticity and those team-building, life-changing corporate workshops, which have the same connotation and irritating ring to it as synergy. Let's file those under "History".)

By "Art", I really mean it was less of an art (at first) and more trial and error for me. I want to share what I've learned though.

Here's the tools I started with: I was a people pleaser. That's it. That's how I navigated life. I shared bits of the best of me. And yet with all the people pleasing I'd done, I felt very dissatisfied. Mostly because there was a disconnect between all the selves I presented, and the one I lived with inside of me. I wanted to sew myself together, but it seemed impossible.

I felt shameful that people would not like the "real" me. I have a sarcastic sense of humor. I'm kind of a loner and I like it that way. I care deeply so it takes me longer to warm up and invest. My realism can come off as "negative"...and so much more I used to worry about. But I'm happy this way; it's just I never believed others would be happy with me this way.

You can display your shiniest representative self and be liked and admired by tons of people. But it will be lonely because you've never let your true self be seen.

I did what every person would do when they yearn to be themselves. I started a blog anonymously. It was so refreshing to BE ME. And rediscover that self that was tucked away. The lesson: People liked me and flocked to me even if our views clashed (because I was being real). I knew this needed to be applied, and merged, into all areas of my life. And I've been doing that ever since; helping professionals do the same.

When a good chunk of our lives (and livelihood) is online, it is important to stay connected to what (and who) is REAL.

In Part 1, "Are You Too Professional?", I wrote on the benefits and reasons for being real online. Hint: There's many, and now you want to know...exactly...how to do this.

One person wrote to me: "What inspires people we've never met in the real world to reach out and connect with us online?"

The need: It starts with being a bartender, which you probably aren't and I am not anymore either, but I was...a bartender/therapist for several years. There's something to be said about people sharing their innermost thoughts to a stranger as they readily do when they take up a seat at the bar (or write a blog). This speaks to a need!

Today, there is just as many expectations for genuine connections online as there is in real life relationships. 

Serving a drink doesn't make me qualified to be your therapist or Life Coach, but the fact that people are desperate (for a lack of a better word) to connect in a deeply human way is testament to discovering the potential for delivering this online.

Each of us are unique in about as many ways as similar so there's literally a steady stream of things to share, interest others, and connect with.

The dawn of the Internet exhibited clear ways to separate professional and personal lives. Then suddenly sh*t caught up with us, private and professional lives collided, and the two have become friends with benefits. It's fairly new territory and outright uncomfortable for some.

If anyone wants to see who you really are, they don't have to be a hacker or hire a private eye nowadays- they can find you, research you; you might as well choose to be in charge and leverage how you share yourself with the online world. This means the real stuff too so there's no shockers for people checking up on you.

Of course you can continue to carefully and tediously separate your worlds or fall victim by letting others inadvertently connect the dots.

Suppose you want to connect in a way that's meaningful (it's human nature unless you're a selfish sociopath), but serves to benefit you professionally.

Personally, a few weeks ago I wrote an article on LI called, "I Quit". I rarely hit publish on an unedited post, but who the hell doesn't feel like quitting at some point (that speaks to a human need, right)? I posted it raw for good reason: We edit the crap out of ourselves regularly (it's like a dirty little secret - and habit - we all share).

I run the "risk" of being perceived as emotional or ranting, but 99% of the time I learn about myself and others, I open that barrier to get honest feedback (otherwise known as gold), and enhance my CONNECTIONS.

Professionally, I freelanced for a tech specialist who hadn't updated his ancient website in 9 years! When he finally launched the announcement of his new and improved website, I advertised the fact that he hadn't applied his own expertise to his website for that many years. Guess what? It resulted in great feedback and the attention of the president of a company he wanted to do more business with. 

The art of getting real feels similar to wondering if you've said too much on a first date.

But how do we remain professional, intact, trusted, all while giving a little of ourselves to others?

You make the rules to break them- Decide what you will share and not share ahead of time.

Make a share and not-share list. This cuts down on unintentionally emotional posts or divulging too much.

And you know me...I won't let you take the easy way out... 

Now, look at your list of NOT-share's and pick one thing you'd be willing to release a little more about. Being real (with results) isn't about wading in the comfort zone at the kiddy end of the pool.

Always be thinking, 'somebody else is feeling (or thinking) this way too.' 

And if you're rowdy by nature, add a fun disclaimer before mentioning something that might not be for everyone.

Caring is sharing (unless it's germs kids bring home from school).

I know you do this or that, or sell xyz, but why do I care? Why do you care? We hear this all the time. Get people to care and you've got a business. Simple as sharing. Always make a connection as to WHY you are sharing something. Otherwise, over-sharing is borderline creepy.

The connection: My friend sells Younique make-up (like Avon or Mary Kay). She started out well enough in sales then published a Youtube video on how she was sexually abused as a kid (I'm getting goose bumps thinking about her video). Her sales skyrocketed. This make-up company was founded by a woman who was abused herself. The company's mission: "At The Younique Foundation, we are committed to helping women who were sexually abused as children or adolescents find hope."

Plenty of well-respected individuals have had life troubles and lived to tell about them.

If you want to emit connectedness, but still remain expert status, try sharing something you overcame. This shows the human and expert side. Let people be inspired by how you handle your imperfections.

Do we need to know Tony Robbins began life as a janitor who was raised by a drunk, single mother? Not really, but that share gives us perspective as to how far he's come.

Skillful self-disclosers choose the substance, the process, and the timing of revelations to further the task at hand.

How much do you have to lose ya big baby?!

My hesitation to solidify selves instead of boost my persona was ego. If it's just you at stake, get over yourself! What do you have to lose? Ego or a job? Reputation? If you're not a multi-millionaire...billionaire, you don't have a reputation yet. They have image consultants...and PR for that reason.

You have fear. You have ego. That's human too, but it's not very rewarding for anyone involved.

So why? Is it personal? Were you rejected by someone when you shared yourself? If so then your personal life is negatively affecting your professional life. In the name of waffles: Leggo your Ego.

Side note: You can be a jerk with an ego-"image" too. "Image" is the opposite of being real and it comes in many forms.  

You will get a lot from reflecting on why....cause "it's always been done that way", "I prefer it" and the ultimate lie, "This is just who I am". I get it, believe me- in my family you had to be perfect...or it was used against you...ugh!

Could being real jeopardize a job? Just don't be an idiot. Know the boundaries, and stretch them by a little- this is how success and the west was won.

There's company rules, industry rules, and personal rules. Know them. Understand WHY you have your particular personal rules or WHY your industry or company has rules.

“If you can’t handle heading out into the world being yourself, as you really are, you are wasting your time and you are wasting your life” ~Fredrik Eklund, The Sell

Consistently be inconsistently human. (But do not give the excuse that you're "unapologetically human"...and basically careless.)

If you consistently share a little about yourself or your thoughts, people get to know a lot more of you (sometimes without realizing it) than if you are Dan from Accounting who likes Golf. 

Make the category of YOU expansive. You want people to have a broad and diverse range of understanding about you. This makes them think they will be welcomed somewhere into your mix. I don't like golf so I probably won't be talking to Dan much.  

Being professional also means being trusted, personable, and forthcoming. We are never just one thing. All the quirks, imperfections, and contradictions are part of the package.