The Art of Being Assertive

One of the most valuable skills I appreciate is assertiveness; if we explain it in simple words is the ability to stand up for yourself and others in a calm, confident way, without being aggressive or upsetting anyone. Assertive people express their thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully.

For those with people-pleasing tendencies, or who tend to be shy or passive, learning to be assertive is crucial. It enables you to communicate more effectively with friends, family, and colleagues. You no longer have to worry about how others will react because assertiveness isn’t a negative trait—it's a strength.?

Being assertive allows you to advocate for yourself without guilt or anxiety. For individuals who’ve spent years prioritizing others’ needs over their own, learning assertiveness can be life-changing. It’s important to recognize that setting boundaries and expressing your needs isn’t selfish; it's essential.?

Many people struggle to assert themselves due to feelings of obligation or the pressure to always be available—especially in today’s world, where the lines between work and personal life often blur, creating stress and burnout.

When we fail to set boundaries, we often find ourselves in a constant state of anxiety, which can lead to unhealthy habits like poor sleep, bad eating, or even dependency on substances. I know how disheartening it can feel when you just want to be a good person, yet neglect your own needs.?

Why is assertiveness so important?

It has often been misunderstood, with some equating assertiveness to aggression. However assertiveness is a powerful form of healthy communication. Here are some of the benefits:

• Boosts self-confidence and self-esteem
• It helps you understand and express your feelings
• Garners respect from others
• Enhances communication skills
• Encourages compromise
• This leads to better decision-making
• Strengthens relationships
• Reduces stress
• Increases job satisfaction

The key to assertiveness is understanding it’s not something negative, but rather a means of clear and honest communication. It may take time and effort, but working on it will bring lasting positive changes in both personal and professional aspects of life.

Before mastering assertiveness, it's crucial to explore how different behaviors—passive, aggressive, and assertive—play out in our interactions. Building a solid foundation by addressing fears and anxieties is necessary.

Here are some conversational dialogues showcasing passive, aggressive, and assertive communication styles in a professional setting:

Passive Communication

Employee: [Quietly, avoiding eye contact] "Um, I guess I can take on this extra project. I don’t want to let anyone down."

Manager: "Great! I really need this done by Friday."

Employee: "Okay... but if I can’t finish it on time, that’s alright, right?"

Manager: [Dismissively] "No, it’s not alright. Just make sure it gets done."

Aggressive Communication

Manager: [Shouting] "Why wasn’t this report finished on time? I can’t believe you missed the deadline again! This is unacceptable!"

Employee: [Taken aback] "I was dealing with multiple projects and didn’t have the resources I needed!"

Manager: "That’s not my problem! You need to figure it out. If this happens again, there will be consequences!"

Assertive Communication

Employee: [Calmly] "Hi, I wanted to discuss the workload for the upcoming projects. I’ve noticed I have several deadlines coming up, and I’m concerned about meeting them all on time."

Manager: "What do you mean?"

Employee: "I appreciate the opportunities, but I think I might need help or perhaps we can prioritize these tasks. Would it be possible to redistribute some of the work, or can we set a more realistic deadline for one of the projects?"

Manager: "I hadn’t realized it was overwhelming for you. Let’s take a look at the deadlines together and see how we can manage it better."

These dialogues illustrate the differences in communication styles and their effects on workplace dynamics. Passive communication often leads to misunderstandings, aggressive communication creates tension and fear, while assertive communication fosters collaboration and respect.

Often, fear is the biggest obstacle to being assertive. Fear of conflict, disappointing others, or rejection can hold us back, but it’s important to understand that fears are natural and manageable.

Here are a few strategies for handling fear when asserting yourself:

1. Acknowledge that everyone has fears: They are part of our survival instincts, and you don't need to overcome them entirely, just manage them.
2. Use visualization: Imagine yourself being assertive in a challenging situation. Visualization can help your brain become more comfortable with assertive behaviour.
3. Face your fear quickly: Avoid putting off situations where you need to be assertive, as this will only heighten anxiety.
4. Consider the worst-case scenario: Sometimes, thinking about the worst that could happen helps put fears in perspective. If someone reacts negatively, it's often a reflection of their poor communication skills, not a failure on your part.
5. Stay motivated: Focus on the positive outcome of standing up for yourself. For instance, saying no to an extra work task can free you up for something more meaningful.

There are also practical ways to assert yourself using clear, respectful language.

Simple phrases like "Thanks, but I can’t" or "I’m not interested" can help set boundaries without sounding harsh.

If you want to increase the amount of empathy, you can use some of the longer assertive statements.

• ? Thanks, but I don’t have the time.

• Thanks, but I have other plans.

• ? Thanks, but I’m not interested.

• ? Thank you for thinking of me, but I am going to have to say no this time.

• ? Thanks for letting me know, but I won’t be able to make it.

• ? Thank you for considering me, but I am too busy right now. The next set of statements will give you more time to decide whether you want to do something or not. Or they will allow you to prepare yourself more for saying no.

• ? Let me sleep on it.

• I’m not sure, I will get back to you.

• Once I have finished this task, I will consider it.

• Can I get back to you on that tomorrow/later in the day? We use “I” statements to clearly express how we feel or what our thoughts are on a matter. Remember, avoid starting with “You” because it may come across as a personal attack.

• ? I can see where you are coming from, but I don’t agree.

• ? I feel disrespected when you interrupt me/laugh at my opinions/ignore me.
• ? I take offense at what you have said.
• ? I would like it if you allowed me to share my views.
• ? I don’t like being shouted at in that way.
• ? I am uncomfortable with your tone of voice/language.?

Practicing assertive body language—like maintaining eye contact, speaking clearly, and standing tall—can reinforce your message.?

Assertiveness is a skill that takes time to build, but once you learn it, the rewards are profound. You’ll feel more confident, respected, and in control of your life.

I hope this will help you set better boundaries.