The art of arguing smart

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Have you ever lost your temper and felt really proud of it?

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Me neither.

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Last weekend, in collaboration with some dear friends, I delivered a short workshop on how to handle conflict.?

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The group of people in the room ready to learn were honest, open and very vulnerable with the kinds of conflicts in their lives, and in themselves, that they were keen to explore.

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To open the session, I asked a simple question:

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Why are you here?

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In other words: What is it about handling conflict that you want to learn?

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The most resounding response was one that didn′t surprise me in the slightest.

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Almost everyone there wanted to understand how they could manage themselves in the moment. As one person put it:

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I′m very good at looking back at a difficult conversation and understanding where it or I went wrong. What I find really hard is managing my emotions when the conversation is not going well. I just want to know how to keep my cool.

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Let′s explore that.

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One of the most powerful ways I′ve found to understand how you can do better next time is to look back at the last time, and then practice.

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Looking back

One powerful tool you can use to look back at a conflict that you weren′t proud of is called The Three Perspectives.?

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You explore the situation through the lens of me, you and an objective observer.

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Here′s how it goes:

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1. Put yourself in your shoes. What did you think, feel and say? What did your body language do? Did you feel your heart rate or body temperature change?
2. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person, and embody them. What did you say, what did your body language do. What did you think and feel? (you will not know for sure how someone else thinks or feels, but you can explore that)
3. Put yourself in the shoes of a third person observing the conflict. What would you say about the behaviour and words of the two people you are observing?

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What this exercise does is take you out of your own head and open yourself up to other things happening in that conversation that you may not have realised. It builds your self-awareness and other-awareness.?

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And the third person perspective allows you to look at the situation objectively, and you′ll likely spot things you will have missed when solely looking at the situation from your own perspective.

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Sometimes we can stay in analysis paralysis.?

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It′s a comfort zone of sorts - analysing the past to figure out why. The uncomfortable thing is to open yourself up to changing your behaviour and move out of the comfort of analysing what happened.

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That′s why the other way to keep your cool during a conflict is to practice, practice, practice.

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Now, this doesn′t mean finding someone random and starting an argument with them.

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You know exactly which person (or people) in your life you have been putting off having a difficult conversation with.

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The only way to really build your conflict management skill is to plan that conversation, start it, and then see how it goes.

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Let go of any attachment to a desired outcome.?

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Be clear of what is in your control (I′ll give you the answer: You).

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And stay curious about what happens.

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Then when the conversation is over, take a look back at it using the Three Perspectives, and then move onto the next difficult conversation.

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The scariest thing is starting.?

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But starting and moving is the only way to make your next difficult conversation one you′re proud of.