The Art of the Apology

If you’re like me, I always get a pit in my stomach when I know I need to apologize to someone.  There is a bit of anxiety and a bit of shame involved in acknowledging when I’ve blown it.  So many relationships get derailed because “someone owes me an apology” and I fully understand that some rifts are permanent.  Yet, most can be repaired…

Even if I feel that the other person is 90% at fault, there is still room for me to own up to the 10% that I know is my own.  I have learned that effective apologies have three parts:

1] “I’m sorry” begins the conversation with the expression of hope that we can fix this dilemma.  It opens the side door of our emotions and spurs a bit of hope that vulnerability is possible.

2] “I was wrong” is the truth serum as I recite my known actions that led to the discord.  It is a hard thing to do, but nothing is healed unless I let the other person know that I am being specific.  It is true with individuals and it is true with nations as we saw with the “Truth and Reconciliation” hearings in South Africa.

3] “Will you forgive me?” is the request for restoration.  Each of us has a scale of justice with guilt on one side and blame on the other.  As long as we can blame someone, we feel less guilty.  But the moment the other person says “Yes”, the guilt/blame balance returns to equilibrium.  We can have level conversation again…

As you have already guessed, I have had the opportunity to practice this quite a bit during my life.  I’ve used it with my wife, my children, my colleagues, and my faith life.  Try it, it works!