Arrows in my Back

He told me “You don’t just have a target on your back, you have arrows sticking out!”

There are ways that my neurodiversity can cause trouble.

I once had a manager where we completely misunderstood each other.??

I was over-indexed on the value of ideas (rather than people) and had the habit of being objective to the point of self-effacement.

Here’s some examples:

He told me to closely follow a template when generating a chart.? When I presented the chart to him, he asked: “Did you match this to the template?”

Fact: I had copied the template to start the chart, then filled it in with the required data, which naturally made it look different.

I would answer: “I haven’t checked the template since I started the chart”

He asked me: “Will this project be done by the deadline?”

Fact: I had everything I needed and was on schedule to get it done.

I would answer: “I can’t say for certain, but I think so.”

Later, when I asked him for permission to apply for a cross-functional continuous improvement initiative, he said no.? When I asked him why not, he told me that the initiatives are a limited opportunity for more senior employees, that out of hundreds of candidates they would not choose me to be involved.

This was me thinking in ideas rather than people again, I replied:

1) Then should it be up for the application to reject me rather than you??

2) I’ve been encouraged by multiple people, including HR, to apply.

Yet the answer was “no.”

Perplexed, I went to our HR partner, and asked to confirm what my manager told me.? He told me “No worries!? I’ll look into it, I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.”

A week later, my HR partner took me aside to a private room.

“Ted.? You can’t apply if you have poor performance.? You need to work out a plan with your manager on how to meet our performance standards”

“Performance issues?? I don’t understand.? I’ve been hitting all my deliverables and my downstream customers are happy.”

“Then why did your manager say that you were ‘The lowest performing member of the team’?”

Boom.? A figurative bomb went off in the room.? My ears were ringing, but I could tell the HR partner realized he shouldn’t have said that, this supposed “poor performance” wasn’t something I was aware of (yet).

Later, I relayed this story to a work friend in another team, trying to make sense of what happened.? “Now I feel like there’s a target on my back.”

My friend said “A target!?? No! You have arrows sticking out your back!”

From my perspective, my manager just threw me under the bus as a way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation.

Now that I’m wiser (and coincidentally older), I realize this:

My manager was hired 2 weeks after me.? He wasn’t there when I interviewed and made plain my desires for cross-functional growth opportunities.? He wasn’t there when every interviewer and the hiring manager told me about how hard it was to find people for these initiatives and how happy they would be to have me.??

He didn’t have the context of who I was and where I was coming from.

And at the time, I didn’t realize that as a new manager, he was insecure in his role.

I should have saw “The First 90 Days” on his desk and realized he needed to feel like he could depend on his team to prove his ability to deliver results, and not answer timeline questions in vague terms.

I could have predicted how he might react from his insecurities.

We had both failed and it probably hurt us both.? I know it hurt me.

I skedaddled my way out of that company, but it took me time to recover.

At my next workplace, I withdrew, kept my head down, and stopped volunteering…? I got defensive about my quality of work…? Trauma is withdrawal, it can cause atrophy of functions and skills.?

The antidote in this case was growth.

Empathy is a skill.

Empathy is a super power. Getting to know people.?

Knowing what they want and need.

Managing upwards is not to try to fix my manager’s thinking.? Managing upwards (or in any direction) is a matter of building relationships.

It’s important that I’ve had the environments, the mentors, and the opportunities to grow again.

It’s important to take control of what environment you allow yourself to be in.? And doing that, I have zero regrets.