AN ARGUMENT FOR LETTING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN

Or, stated otherwise, requiring adults to assume responsibility for making adult decisions.

It was with no small measure of incredulity that I recently read an opinion piece in the New York Times Sunday Review by Ruth Bettelheim, who claims to have “over 40 years of practice as a family and child therapist.”

According to Ms. Bettelheim, children attain “the age of reason” at about seven years, and that, therefore, “they should be recognized as the ultimate experts on their own lives.” Ms. Bettelheim advocates that parenting time/custody plans should be reviewed every two years and that children, starting at age seven, should be interviewed by a trained mediator regarding the parenting time and custody arrangements they – the children – want, and that the children’s wishes should be “honored.”

Really? Well, while we are at it, let’s interview the children about what they wish to eat for dinner, what time they should go to bed, and whether they should really go to school and do homework every day. It might also be a good idea to ask kids whether they might like to move to a different neighborhood, attend a different school, or whether it’s time to get a dog, a cat, and a guinea pig as pets – and then let’s honor their wishes! Because, after all, children know what’s in their own best interests, right? Heck, it’s a wonder they need us parents at all!

OK, I’ve made my point. Now let’s look at the premise for Ms. Bettelheim’s rather alarming opinion. According to her, no one considers the wishes of the children in designing parenting time and custody plans, and therefore, the family court system is terribly flawed. Well, at least as far as Michigan is concerned, Ms. Bettelheim is simply misinformed. In Michigan, the Child Custody Act requires the family court to consider twelve distinct factors in determining a child’s best interests and guess what? Yes, the reasonable preference of the child is one of those twelve factors. Sometimes children as young as five or six years may be interviewed. However, the statue was crafted by those apparently far wiser than Ms. Bettelheim (in my opinion, at least), because the statute recognizes that, simply because a child is capable of expressing a preference does not mean the child should steer the ship.

Any responsible family court judge or attorney knows from experience that the greatest gift a divorcing couple can give their children is to relieve the children of the burden of having to make adult decisions. The divorce process can take a terrible toll on children, who ultimately have no choice when parents decide to split. Coming from an intact family and remembering how “right” life at home felt with my parents and siblings, I cannot imagine how a child losing that sense of security copes. But foisting adult decisions on children is not the answer. Being strong, reassuring children that they are loved and will continue to be protected and nurtured are the responsibilities of the parents. So is deciding what is best for children. What’s best is shielding children as much as possible from the legal wrangling and letting children do what they do best – be children!