Using ARCs To Support An Unemployed Loved One
Pandemic took away many jobs. Some have found work. Some are taking a longer time than they want to. The lack of certainty or just only seeing the silver lining frustrates the unemployed individuals and their loved ones. There are many resources and talk about assisting the unemployed to move forward. But what about the loved ones around the unemployed individual?
After hearing so many similar stories, having to experience it myself (being retrenched and seeing how my parents worked through the 1997 Asia Financial Crisis), I came up with this ARCs framework, hoping to guide those caring for an unemployed loved one, through this tunnel.
- Acknowledge and Accept
Whatever emotions experienced by the unemployed are valid and real. The pain, the worries, the disappointments (from countless fruitless interviews/applications), the frustration stem from their made-belief that they are no longer worthy.
We often try to silver-line it and pump in much positivity to make all these emotions lighter or go away. No doubt you have the right intention not to have the other party get stuck in this endless negativity, but ignoring what they are going through, may hurt them even more. You may not have gone through retrenchment or job loss yourself. However, you can identify with the emotions behind it. You know the feeling of losing someone, failed a project or being hurt by a close friend. Those emotions are commonalities. When you resonate with those, you are already empathising.
Sometimes what they want to hear from you is - Me too.
2. Advanced Planning
As a family member or life partner, you will start worrying about the future, particularly about the finances. Job search can be a long process, yet the financial commitments will still have to be fulfilled. Therefore, find an appropriate time to help the other party plan for the journey ahead. For example, cutting down eating-out, cancelling unwanted membership subscription. Perhaps, you can also advise them to take on some part-time/freelance work to help them channel their energy more constructively.
3. Refrain from being the expert
As a career advisor myself, my instant reaction has always been to dive into a 'solutioning' mode. I will start giving advice and even keeping track of the progress. I did that once with a close friend, and it backfired very severely. My bff wasn't unhappy with my intention. He was disappointed that I became a coach/advisor/expert, rather than a friend.
Unemployed individuals struggle with their self-worth. When we help too much, it makes them feel even more 'useless'. It is as if you have robbed them of the only thing they can still control.
You can let them know you have available resources/network and are always around to help whenever they are ready. Let them come to you instead of haunting them to help. Please don't end up micromanaging them.
4. Continue with living
Continue living as it is. Do not have to change the lifestyle drastically (except if there are financial concerns). Continue with routines but go with cheaper options. You can choose trekking over shopping; reading over watching movies. Sometimes, the unemployed party finds comfort and refuge in the last-remaining normality. When one cuts off all routines and habits, suddenly, they blame themselves for this outcome.
5. Care for yourself
This point is the most essential point. Do not put all the responsibilities and outcomes on yourself. No one is to be blamed for an unanswered job application or rejection. It is beyond our control. You got to know this can be a long journey for everyone, and you need the energy.
Learn how to draw the boundaries around yourself. This is not to say you are selfish not to care. Instead, you can't give others what you do not have. So have your sleep, meditate, exercise, go out with yourself/social circle. Like the safety instructions during flight - Put your oxygen mask first, before helping others.