An Apology Without Changed Behavior is Manipulation!

I am sorry… I apologize…. Please Forgive me…?When someone hurts us, it can become daunting on our spirit and drag us down into the abyss of hurt, unforgiveness, and bitterness. Depending on the person who wronged us, those who are very close to us weather in a personal relationship, long time friendship, or business relationship, hurts can bring us down. We are built with the craving nature to need a remedy to our wounds and that begins with an apology… or does it?

The big problem that we come across is not in the apology sector but in the behavior itself that caused the initial wrong. There is a fine line between true sorrow and manipulation. If the apology for the wronged act does not follow a changed behavior, that my friends is manipulation. We have all heard the saying that actions are bigger than words, in this case that is the actual fact. A master manipulator loves to throw apologies around left and right without taking any real actions to improve themselves or make amends.

These are not real apologies ------ They are manipulation tactics!

When the very thought of this statement comes to my mind, I begin to think that there are so many instances and situations where this can come in hand. Have you ever worked in what seemed like a toxic office space? The mistreatment, the whispering, the gossiping, only to get a smile to your face. As I am placing my feminine energy into the world, I have to say that this does happen a lot within women’s circles. Can I say I am sorry without meaning it…? Yes, sure I can! Can I say I am sorry and truly mean it or at the very least have the idea that I mean it… Sure I can! But the real question is, do I care enough to change that behavior for the sake of our relationship. This goes back to my other article, “Know your worth and add tax” where I spoke about the people in your life who truly want to be there will fight for a spot to be there.

When what you are hearing from a person and what you are seeing from a person does not match, that person becomes inconsistent. Trust is impossible without consistency. Once we begin to see several apologies or attempts to make amends, but it is not followed by change, then their actions are no longer mistakes, they are consistent and comfortable behaviors. The easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to build in any relationship is trust. We can keep walking through the revolving door of apologies without change, but there comes a time when lack of change evolves into inappropriate apologies. It converts into the thought process that an apology without change is manipulation.

A mistake or an error when continued to be made is no longer a mistake or an error, it becomes a decision!

It can be quite difficult to spot the manipulative behavior at first. Not all insincere apologies are manipulative in nature or done with purpose, very often they aren’t purposefully insincere. However, that does not make them any less acceptable, nor does it leave the door open to accept the pattern of sweet apologies and unchanged behavior. Feeling true remorse isn’t a fail-safe identifier of a sincere apology. From a psychological professional standpoint, you need to understand that there are 4 distinct behaviors that comes with a sincere apology.

?1.????Admission of a harmful action or behavior

2.????Statement of remorse regarding the action or behavior

3.????Realized promise to avoid (or attempt to avoid) that action or behavior in the future

4.????Offer to make amends

It is vital to understand and be aware of the language in the third point. The realization cannot be a blanket or empty effort. It must be a realized promise. It can be quite difficult to see the difference between manipulation and a sincere apology. What is the true language behind I AM SORRY…?

Guilty Conscience

When a person who is suffering from a guilty conscience states an apology, what they really mean is, “I feel bad, and apologizing will make me feel better. It isn’t about making you feel better—this is about me.” When they verbally admit their guilt, they then release some of that burden and they are able to ease their own consciences.

Argument Ender

When a person who is attempting to end the argument apologizes what they really mean is?“I’m tired of arguing, so I’m going to tell you whatever you want to hear.” This is a dangerous type of apology and is a go to tactic by manipulators. There comes a point in a relationship or situation where the wrongdoer can become so uncomfortable that they will do or say anything to put that situation to an end.

Leading the Witness

When a person who is attempting to take over the situation and lead you into the end of the situation weather you are ready for the conversation to stop really means is “By apologizing to you first, I expect you to apologize to me next. After all, it’s not really my fault—you’re to blame, too.”

Within the realms of the court of law, the term “leading the witness” refers to a devious manipulation tactic where an attorney attempts to direct the witness that is giving testimony to make a certain statement or gear their thought process in a certain direction. It’s basically a fancy way of saying “putting words in someone’s mouth.”

Testing Boundaries

When a person comes out and begins to test the waters with you, their apology really means. ?“If you accept this apology, then it means I can do the thing that hurt or bothered you again without consequence.”

Be very careful to tread on this one, widen your horizon of thought and do not merely look at the accepted apology as a path to forgiveness or personal growth, see it for what it is… a blatant attempt to commit the harmful actions again, if they were really mad, they wouldn’t have forgiven me, so that means it’s okay to do this thing again.

At the end of the day, an apology is just an apology. “I’m sorry,” is just a string of words. No matter how close you are with someone or good you think that person is, An apology without change is manipulation.