Apology 101: How do Mark Adam, Zakir Naik and Joe Biden score?

Mark Adam scores B+. Zakir Naik fails with an F. Joe Biden didn’t even turn up for classes.

Apologising is hard for people accused of sexual harassment, offensive remarks and inciting racial hatred.

On Tuesday, two public figures in Malaysia released videos their apologies. One from a living room, another in front of a bookcase of religious books. 

Talent show judge Mark Adam found himself going viral for body shaming the show’s host, Sherry Alhadad. Within 24 hours he apologised.

Zakir Naik, a religious preacher wanted in his homeland, India, has dominated Malaysian news for a week, thanks to his fiery sermons which painted non Malays as guests, rather than rightful Malaysian citizens. Here is Zakir Naik’s apology.

In my work on sexual harassment, I’ve examined apologies made by Joe Biden, for getting too physical with women at political events, and Dan Harmon (creator of Rick and Morty) who apologised for his sexual harassment of his colleague, Megan Ganz. Joe Biden’s apology is here and Dan Harmon’s here.

Most people know when a person is genuinely sorry. We all remember that little boy in kindergarten who gets caught hitting another boy. "Say sorry,” says the teacher. The boy squirms and gives several reasons why his victim deserved to be hit. “Say sorry,” demands the teacher, “or you have to sit in the corner”. The little boy won’t look his victim in the eye, yells, “sorry,” and runs off. The other boy sits there still feeling hurt. The teacher says, “Ali said sorry, just don’t upset him again, you know what he’s like”. 

“It’s just who I am.”

Joe Biden

Shall we remind public figures that they are no longer toddlers and their words and actions have power to hurt - not just one person, but an entire community, race or groups of people? For generations, bullies and harassers got away with it. But the power of the internet and social media has empowered victims and those more vulnerable. We can speak up and call out hurtful conduct. That’s why #MeToo swept the world.

An apology only works if the person or people hurt by a person’s conduct are comforted by the apology and accept it. 

You’re not not able to control whether your apology is accepted, but there are key elements that get you there: 

1. Don’t expect to be forgiven 

An apology isn’t meant to make you feel better. This isn’t about you. It is about the people you hurt. You hurt them. Make them feel better. Put yourself in their shoes. Mark Adam said, “forgive me.” The test would be - does Sherry forgive him? Does every person who feels hurt by fat-shaming remarks forgive him? They might feel: what you said hurt and I don’t feel ready to forgive you but I am glad you show recognition and awareness that your statement did hurt.

2. Listen to the people you hurt

Listen openly, without judgment, without the need to deny or come up with excuses. Listen without considering the legal issues. When you listen, don’t listen to rebut or to yell out - she’s lying. I didn’t stroke her shoulder (knowing that you squeezed it - deniers are remarkably pedantic). This means listening several times - over and over until you let go of your defensiveness. When people say you have hurt them, they want to be heard and validated. Truly hearing them means understanding why they are upset.

• Understand why a woman you casually touched feels violated.
• Understand why a person is hurt when you implied they were fat.
• Understand why an ethnic group is angry that you consider them less than your own and suggest that they don’t belong in their homeland.

3. Acknowledge the pain you caused

When we unthinkingly crack a joke - about someone with Tourettes, a person who is overweight, an Irishman, a person who comes across as effeminate - we come from a place of privilege. We have no idea what it feels like to go through the day without being able to control our body, being ashamed of our body, feeling treated as lesser because of our race or that we are gay. 

When someone accuses you of fat-shaming, do you brush it off as - hey it was just a joke, you guys are snowflakes or do you consider how it might feel to be overweight and listen to snide remarks everyday? Because, you really don’t want to hurt someone right? If you do - then, why are you even thinking of apologising? 

Admit it to yourself, that you hurt a person or a group of people. Don’t chastise yourself with I’m a bad person thoughts. You were unthinking and now you have the chance to redeem yourself. So say sorry and mean it. 

4. Admit that you were wrong.

Say it in your apology. What I did was wrong. Own it. You did this. Your victim didn’t provoke you, tempt you or start it. You did the wrong thing. Don’t blame society, history or your parents for making you this way. No. Own it. Be Accountable for your actions. Be the adult here. Say it. I did wrong.

This is where Mark Adam was clear. He owned it. He didn’t say the standard lines “I apologise to those who may have been offended…”. He said, “yesterday I did wrong, said the wrong thing,” and “what I did yesterday was unprofessional and I will make sure this won’t happen again.”

Mark owned up and took responsibility. 

Did Zakir Naik and Joe Biden admit they were wrong? 

After two and a half minutes of what feels like a religious lecture and his feelings at being misunderstood, Zakir Naik says: 

In the video, can you see at any point where he admits that he was wrong and that he has caused Malaysians, specifically, Malaysian Indians and Chinese pain? Instead he passes the blame onto Malaysians for misunderstanding him. In other words, it’s not me, it’s you. You’re hurt because you misunderstood him, not because he did anything wrong. Unlike Mark Adam, he’s not owning it.

Joe Biden seems to be on a different planet altogether. He doesn’t even utter “apologise” or “sorry”. He seems to have no concept that he did anything wrong. Instead he views the world differently from all these people who don’t like to be touched. The subtext: I can’t help it if they don’t like to be touched, something must be wrong with them. For him, it’s all about human connection.

That’s my responsibility, I think. I shake hands, I hug people, I grab men and women by the shoulders and say, ‘You can do this.’ And whether they’re women, men, young, old, it’s just the way I’ve always been. It’s the way I try to show them I care about them and I’m listening. And over the years, knowing what I’ve been through—the things that I’ve faced—I’ve found that scores, if not hundreds, of people have come up to me and reached out for solace and comfort: something, anything, that might help them get through the tragedy they’re going through. And so—it’s just who I am.

Do you see what Biden did there? In his apology, he shows what a hero he is. Zakir Naik starts by reminding you that "I am a man of peace". If you recall, Kevin Spacey completely threw us off with his apology, by revealing he was gay, practically painting himself as the victim, which leads to point 5:

5. DON'T cast yourself as hero or victim in your apology

Can I remind you ... this is not about you.

6. Name the person you wronged - if they are known publicly.

Mark Adam named Sherry Alhadad. Biden did not name Lucy Flores, Amy Lappos Caitlyn Caruso and DJ Hill who had publicly stated he had inappropriately touched them. Zakir Naik conveyed his heartfelt apologies without specifying anyone.

7. Don’t talk about how you feel - other than regret or remorse

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating: this isn’t about you. It's amazing how many people focus on their selves and their feelings in an apology. That’s just plain narcissism. You’re still concerned about how you feel rather than how the other person feels.

In his apology, Zakir Naik felt saddened at being seen as racist, worried about how people formed their impressions of him and didn’t want “any of you to harbour ill feelings for me.” He is far more concerned about how he is perceived than the feelings of those he hurt. 

Joe Biden avoids his feelings altogether and spins his habit of touching women into the way he communicates with people. “I always thought it was about connecting with people” without naming any single person he hurt.

8. Apologise immediately

Say sorry on the spot. If you only became aware later that you did something wrong or the person you hurt is not with you, then apologise as soon as you can, within 24 hours if possible. Mark apologised within 24 hours. Top marks!

Don’t wait until your boss, political leaders or thousands (or millions) of people demand an apology. It looks like you were compelled.

9. Commitment not to do it again

Both Mark and Biden promised not to repeat their conduct. It’s still early to see if Mark will be mindful. Biden has made a joke out of getting consent at events since his apology. 

The full video is here.

Zakir Naik didn't promise anything, but asked people to watch his videos so they wouldn’t misunderstand him. Apology turned sales pitch.

10. Say Sorry and End it. 

Your apology shouldn’t be longer than a minute or a few lines. DO NOT set a context to explain why you did what you did. The people you are apologising know the incident. Don’t hide behind religious texts to buff up your importance. Do not give excuses. And - this is the worst - DO NOT BLAME the person you hurt. You can talk about context, excuses and the “he did it first” blame game with your therapist. Never ever in an apology. Zakir Naik brands the people he hurt as “detractors”. 

11. Your Apology Comes from the Heart

After watching Mark’s apology which was very touching - he looked as if he was about to break, just as he reached over to turn off the recording - I watched Biden’s smooth apology. The difference was stark. Mark spoke from the heart. Biden looked like he was reading a script. It’s fine having a script, but make sure it’s you, not your lawyers or PR advisors, who wrote it. Better still, write your script but drop it as you speak to the camera. Your authenticity comes across through how you look and speak. Mark Adam and Dan Harman (see below) are authentic. Zakir Naik and Joe Biden struggle with authenticity.

How to Score an A? Confront Your Dark Side

You might be wondering if Mark Adam did all the right things but only scored a B+, how do you get an A? Well, that’s Dan Harman whose apology is the best one I’ve ever heard. A man who sexually harassed his writer for a few years, reflected on his behaviour which he had long ignored because it was the “cowardly, easiest, laziest thing you could do with feelings like that, and I didn’t deal with them”

"...the trick is, if you lie to yourself, you can lie to everybody. It’s really easy. And so that’s what I continued to do, telling myself and anybody that threatened to confront me with it that if you thought what I was doing was creepy or flirty or unprofessional, then it’s because you were the sexist. You were jealous. I was supporting this person, I’m a mentor. I’m a feminist. It’s your problem, not mine, that you’re the one who’s seeing things through that lens. And so I let myself keep doing it.

Dan’s apology goes deeper into self reflection and encountering one’s dark side. He called out his own behaviour.

I crushed on her and resented her for not reciprocating it, and the entire time I was the one writing her paychecks and in control of whether she stayed or went and whether she felt good about herself or not, and said horrible things. Just treated her cruelly, pointedly. Things that I would never, ever, ever have done if she had been male and if I had never had those feelings for her.  

It is worth reading, or better still, listening to his apology (it’s a podcast - listen from 18 minutes in). If all of us who have been accused of harassment, bullying, hurting another could take the steps he went through, then this world would be a much happier place.

In writing our book on workplace sexual harassment, Kernan Manion, Betty Yeoh and I have had long discussions about redemption. How can people accused of harassment redeem themselves? The Apology is the first step. I will continue to write about this. I welcome feedback, particularly from people who do want to apologise but are unsure how to do it, and those who have received apologies - tell me, what worked, what didn’t? Did you accept it or did the apology make things worse?