Are Apologies Really Necessary?

"It's too late to apologise..." This is a line from the song "Apologise" by One Republic. I love the song but have mixed feelings about this statement. What do you think? Is it ever too late to apologise? Some would suggest that the words, "I'm sorry" can be very healing, not just for the person hearing them but for the person who needs to say them. To have our pain acknowledged, and to take responsibility when we've messed up can bring peace, relief, reconciliation or personal and spiritual growth. But is that as a result of the apology? Or is it because we've chosen to let go of the pain and we only think the apology is necessary for that to happen?

My personal view of needing an apology if I feel "wronged" probably differs from how many others see it. This is because I understand that no one can ever make us feel anything in particular. The only person who is responsible for my feelings is me. I can choose to feel angry or hurt or sad or indignant by the thought that someone "hurt me." Or I can choose to see that the "hurtful" words and actions of others have nothing to with me - because this is the truth.

When others behave in a way that we would describe as hurtful in some way, sometimes it's a reflection of what's going on inside them. More often than not, while they're saying hurtful or unkind things to others, belittling them or criticising or judging, they're usually really talking to themselves. Their perception of certain failings in others happens as a result of not liking those weaknesses in themselves. They're sensitive to particular issues, and whether or not the person they're judging deserves it, there's something in the situation that makes them see what they don't like in themselves.

When you can see that their "not so nice" behaviour is about their own issues and not yours, it makes it easier to disconnect yourself from it and choose not to feel hurt.

This brings me to the other side of the coin. Have you ever been in a situation in which you did something with the best of intentions but someone took it entirely the wrong way and stormed off feeling completely wounded? You're left standing there, mouth agape and asking yourself, "What was that all about?"

It was about the fact that there are times when we feel triggered by something someone did or said. We take it personally and feel as though they've attacked us for no good reason.

This can happen when we have unresolved issues that are simmering just below the surface - probably much of the time if it takes very little to cause such strong feelings.

Sometimes we're not all that aware - or maybe not at all aware - of what the trigger is. When those "out of the blue" eruptions happen and you're upset by what someone said or did, rather than pointing the finger of blame and thinking what a rat that person is, it can be helpful to sit in contemplation of your feelings and figure out why you feel the way you do.

The more self-aware you are, the more easily the answers will come. These moments are crucial to your ongoing healing and personal development journey. When you can see the connection between external events and your internal responses, you allow yourself the opportunity to release old baggage that is holding you back and is likely acting as a subconscious block to your overall happiness and wellbeing.

You might be thinking, "Oh, I don't think I believe this! What about when people push my buttons? My boss/colleague/coach/spouse (fill in the blank) knows exactly what to say to get me riled up!"

You want the truth? There are no buttons to push. You have simply taught that person that when he/she says or does a particular "something," you will respond in a certain way. That person has absolutely zero control over whether or not you actually respond like that. It's up to you. One hundred percent. Every time.

If you don't like the cycle of "button-pushing" and your typical response, it's up to you to change it. All you have to do is choose to behave a different way from what they expect. Even if on the inside you're still fuming or feeling whatever unpleasant emotion the usual response is, don't let them see it. Act like it doesn't bother you in the least. They might try a little harder to get you to react the way you would normally do but you can stuff it, hide it, or do whatever else you need to do as long as you act like you don't give rat's @$$.

They might try several more times to make you be the way you used to be, but if you keep giving them no response - or your new and preferred response on every single occasion, eventually they'll figure out that they're not going to get the reaction they wanted and they'll give up.

Here's another thought to consider: Even if people apologise to you and they feel genuinely remorseful, you can still chew on the incident for the next hundred years and the apology becomes completely meaningless. You can hold onto that pain for all eternity if that's what you really want (although I have no idea why you would choose that, but some people do).

Equally, if you think you need an apology and there will never be one forthcoming, you're holding onto pain unnecessarily. Every time you think of the offending incident, you are hurting yourself. You wouldn't pick up the phone, ring that person and say, "Hey, you know that thing you did that hurt me so much? Would you please do that to me 17 times every day for the rest of my life?"

Every time you let it cross your mind, you might as well pick up a baseball bat and smack yourself with it. I doubt you'd do that so why would you choose to hold onto a grudge or an unresolved issue that you think can't be fixed until you get an apology? - especially if one might never be forthcoming?

Again, this is down to you and your own thoughts and choices. No matter how hurt you feel by the actions of others, relying on an apology to make it better is never the best course of action. It's a complete waste of time and energy, and it'll suck the very life and light out of you.

So whenever people are trying to guilt you, or if they're saying hurtful things for whatever reason they think is valid, or they're just being pinheads because they can, you have always got the option to stand in your power and consider how you'll choose to feel about it. Is it really about "their stuff"? Is it triggering something in you that needs healing - and therefore, rather than being upset you can choose to appreciate the opportunity to do that? Is it someone just trying to get a rise out of you?

Whatever the reason for the "hurtful behaviour," changing your perspective about the situation can mean that you don't need an apology.

At the end of the day, this is about mindset. It's about recognising the most powerful tool you have, which is the power of your mind. It's about the power of your thoughts, and about recognising your ability to choose your thoughts, and therefore the corresponding feelings you have and the resulting decisions you make. It's about understanding boundaries and not allowing the words or actions of others to upset you. Your feelings are your own responsibility. Your reactions are never anyone else's fault. So why should you want them to apologise for how you feel?

No matter what anyone says or does to you, no matter how appalling it might be by anyone's standards, at the end of the day that kind of behaviour is only about that person. Your responses and feelings about it are entirely up to you.

The less you think you need an apology from someone for "hurting your feelings," the more free and happy you will be.