Anything you can do, I can do better

I interviewed with Gartner for an AE position back when I was an IC (individual contributor) in sales.?It was an exciting opportunity for me to grow professionally, but also to get out of telecom. The problem was I landed the interview when I was 9 months pregnant.?My baby was late, so when I had applied I hadn't planned on that still being an issue by the time I made it through the entire process, assuming I even got an interview.

My first screening call happened on a Wednesday.?The next call was with the hiring manager that Friday, and frankly, I NAILED it.?She wanted me to meet with her VP and Director for a panel interview the following week.?But life had other plans for me. Monday, I went into labor and it ended up being quite the ordeal that ended in an emergency C-section on Tuesday.?That same day I received the call to schedule the panel interview for the following Monday.?In fact, my waters broke while I was on that call. I didn’t know I would be having a c-section a few hours later, so this still didn’t seem to be a problem.?Because of the complications, I wasn’t released from the hospital until Saturday, but was still very much in pain considering a doctor had just cut through 7 layers of skin, fat, and muscle to retrieve my brand new bundle of joy.?That combined with the lack of sleep I was going to get that weekend with a newborn, any sane person would have rescheduled the interview, but I was terrified that doing so would make them no longer interested in me.?I would have to tell them I had a baby, which I assumed from previous experience (an executive that had been priming me for a leadership track ghosted me after he asked if I had any plans of starting a family and I disclosed I was about a month along) would be seen as “a not ideal fit.”?So I went. ?

I arrived at the interview location a bit early, wearing heels that I thought would actually kill me. I was so uncomfortable, but looked the part.?I empathized greatly with Kate Middleton being photographed for the world to see hours after giving birth and having to look impeccable despite how she actually felt.?I knew in my head that if she could do that, I could get through the next hour without anyone realizing I was in a ton of pain.?I was prescribed pain killers but didn’t take them that morning because I wanted to feel like I was in full control of my faculties. ?

None of this worked in my favor.?My performance was embarrassing.?The hiring manager that I had so thoroughly impressed just days before actually said towards the end of the interview, “what happened to the person I spoke to last week?” Despite having nothing to lose at this point, I STILL didn’t fess up to what my circumstances were at the time.?I thought it would come across as making excuses, and again, as weakness.?I responded by taking what I saw as ownership of my performance and stating “I wasn’t as prepared as I usually pride myself on being and would appreciate a second chance to show what I am truly capable of.”?I didn’t get that second chance. ?

There are so many things wrong with the way I handled this situation.?It was all predicated on how hard I had worked as a female, as a BLACK female, to prove I was just as capable and had what it took to be a top performer in a very male-dominated industry.?I didn’t feel comfortable admitting to anything that could make me be perceived as “less than” out of fear it would erase everything I had done to get where I was. It didn’t matter that I had been in the top 2% of performers for several years in a row.?I’d heard so much “locker room” talk about women not being as serious about their careers, or not deserving of raises/promotions/recognition if they choose to take time out to have children that I had it ingrained in me that doing so would reduce my status.?I worked hard to make sure I was well ahead of quota by the end of my pregnancy so that any time I took off didn’t set me behind.?Even with my maternity leave, I still finished that year at 143% of quota, the highest on my team and second highest in my organization, yet when I expressed my interest in an upcoming management position, the first comment I received from one of the executives was that this “probably wasn’t a good time to take on that level of responsibility with a small child at home,” and that there would be “plenty of opportunities to move up in the organization if I decide that’s still important to me.”?Despite the fact I was fuming inside, I didn’t want to come across as “unhinged” or “emotional”?so didn’t say what I was thinking at the time. ?

SO, what’s the point of this post??There are many, but here are three:?

1. Representation matters.?People who hold identities that aren’t represented in positions of leadership have a more difficult time climbing corporate ladders, with the C-suite in corporate America being 20% women, and 4% women of color, according to the?Women in the Workplace 2021?report. This lack of representation in corporate leadership can stem from the mental cost of assimilation when someone?feels like an only, the toll that?microaggressions?can take on performance, and a lack of confidence that it’s possible to rise higher, when others that share someone’s identities aren’t there to inspire them.?It makes it more difficult to show up as your authentic self because you feel like you need to blend in to survive.?
2. The Motherhood Penalty is still in full effect.?In general, the “motherhood penalty” assumes that mothers cannot maintain the same professional footing as their male colleagues or women who don't have children. This can play out in the workplace in several ways, but perhaps the biggest sting is how it affects a woman's earning potential.?According to a report from Third Way, a national think tank, the typical mother sees her earning power drop by 4% for each child she has. Interestingly, the opposite is true for men. Upon becoming a father, men see their income rise by 6%. That inverse relationship suggests that employers may still largely view men and women in traditional roles, with women as caregivers and men as breadwinners.
3. Lead with Empathy. Empathetic leadership means?having the ability to understand the needs of others, and being aware of their feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately, it has long been a soft skill that's overlooked as a performance indicator despite its ability to drive significant business results. Studies have shown that empathy contributes to an increase in innovation (61% compared with only 13% of employees with less empathetic leaders), engagement (72% or employees compared to 32%), retention (57% of white women and 62% or women of color said they were unlikely to think of leaving their companies when they felt their life circumstances were respected and valued by their companies), inclusivity (50% reported their workplace was inclusive, compared to only 17% with less empathetic leadership), and work-life balance (86% of people that felt their leaders were empathetic said they were able to navigate the demands of their work and life, successfully juggling their personal, family and work obligations, compared to 60% who perceived less empathy).

In summary, having more women in leadership roles goes a long way to curb the narrative that we can't see success within both our career and our families. Our results alone will prove we belong there, but our presence will also pave the way for more women to join the ranks. The talk about what we do and don't deserve based on our family status will lessen when the camaraderie from those discussions dissipates. And most of all, placing unhealthy expectations on OURSELVES in order to combat these illusions will fall to the wayside.

While I fully recognize what I should have done differently back then, it would still be hard for me today to choose a different path, because I still don't feel comfortable showing weakness in a corporate environment. I still feel I have to work longer hours, produce twice as much at a higher standard, and make zero mistakes just to stay even. I'm working on it though. Self-care has finally worked it's way into my vocabulary, and learning to understand what I can and cannot control has been instrumental for my mental health. I've recognized I can choose where I work and who I work for. I can choose to only work for companies that have values that align with my own, and have leadership teams that do the work to prove their diversity initiatives are not merely performative. By putting my physical and mental health above all else, it allows me to show up as my best self. Had I done that back when I interviewed with Gartner, I would have likely gotten the job. But then again, that failure led to my pivot to marketing, which is a story for another day! Most of all, I can use what I've learned and the privilege of my position to help elevate more women and POC so that we can start to see the semblance of a more equitable workplace, and from there, a more equitable world.

And you can, too.