Will anyone sub to my Twitch channel?

Yesterday, I made a rare trip out of the house and headed to the Central CDC office in Toa Payoh.

I was going to be interviewed by Eunice Olsen, one of Singapore's foremost media personalities, on an episode of Purple Conversations, a series of live chats streamed on Facebook in the lead-up to The Purple Parade.

ICYMI, you can watch the VOD here.

Just Chatting

I've been getting into Twitch quite a lot recently. I find the community-building aspect quite cosy, especially when I follow the less popular streamers who have a small but dedicated fanbase where everyone knows everyone else and turns up to support nearly every stream. My favourite genres are IRL streams or "Just Chatting" streams, because I like to hear about other people's lives and how they differ from mine.

But I've always seen myself as nothing more than a supportive viewer. I mean, I'd love to try my hand at streaming; I imagine it'd be fun. But having suffered from crippling anxiety all my life, surely there was no way I would survive in front of the camera, right?

Wrong.

It wasn't my idea to make an appearance on Purple Conversations. My employer GIC has supported The Purple Parade and The Purple Symphony for many years and my colleagues who are in charge of liaising with the folks at The Purple Parade suggested me as a possible guest on the show a few months ago. I agreed, because I don't like to disagree, and I didn't think much about it after that.

But as the day approached, I started to get scared. What had I gotten myself into? How on earth was I going to survive 30 minutes in front of a live audience full of strangers on the internet, when I get all shaky and sweaty just having a one-on-one chat with a familiar colleague or manager? I feared that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and was setting myself up for a big embarrassment.

And on the day, as I wilted under the glare of the harsh studio lights, I admit: I was scared shitless. The crew was bustling around, and a couple were even tugging at my shirt to clip on some microphones, but the hubbub faded away and I felt the familiar sense of dissociation I always feel when I'm anxious. It's like watching and listening to the world through a long metal tube. It's hard to focus on any particular thing in that state, and I appear zoned out.

What really matters in the end, though, was what happened when the camera rolled and the live stream was being beamed to anyone who wanted to tune in. And I was, and still am, pleasantly surprised that I managed to give a good account of myself. I was terrified as hell, but multiple viewers have since told me that I appeared natural and they couldn't tell that I was nervous.

I suppose if we go by the saying "Fake it till you make it", then I have "made it".

Of course, the good folk at Central CDC also deserve a lot of credit. They made the entire process buttery smooth, from giving comprehensive and accurate instructions for finding the place, to wiring me up with good equipment that could capture my voice without me shouting, to doing all the setup work so that all I had to do, literally, was sit on my spot and deliver my lines. They even provided a teleprompter that I could read my prepared talking points from, which helped me so much because anxiety makes my mind go blank when I'm put on the spot and have to speak impromptu.

My superb acting skills, combined with the help and support of the crew, meant that I successfully pulled off my first-ever "Just Chatting" stream of my own.

You know, I'm somewhat of a streamer myself

I'm really proud of myself for coming through this event relatively unscathed. I did need a two-hour nap on my ventilator after reaching home, so worn out was I from the exertions of suppressing the fear that was screaming through every fibre of my being. But looking back, I think forcing this experience upon myself was a good opportunity to push my own boundaries and find out what else I can do.

Speaking of pushing boundaries, that's exactly what I intended to do with yesterday's live stream. I've always avoided motherhood statements and covering old ground in my opinion writing, and I wanted to bring that same style to the live chat. So I crafted responses that were somewhat edgy, tackling topics like how the media needs to stop sugarcoating the disability experience with inspiration porn and let readers see the disability experience in all its ugliness, as well as how an excessive focus on terminology is hurting efforts to foster inclusion by having a chilling effect on interactions with and discussions about the disabled.

I also introduced the concept of discussing mental health in the context of disabled people. This is an underemphasised area, in my opinion. Everyone often zooms straight into a disabled person's primary diagnosis, but that blinkers them from seeing the other things that could be plaguing the person silently but insidiously, including very real long-term effects on mental health such as depression and anxiety. And with World Mental Health Day falling coincidentally today, there was no better time to air this issue.

That's as much of a TL;DW I'll give. I put a lot of effort into this whole project so I want you to watch the video! Once again, the link is here.

Will I do something like this again? I won't lie: I'd probably think hard, and as usual overthink, before accepting another similar engagement. It was a lot of emotional labour! But completing this assignment felt great, so I'd probably say yes in the end.

And knowing that I can, indeed, survive in front of a camera makes me wonder... Maybe there's a future for me in live streaming after all. Probably not as a job; I'm nowhere near good enough for that. But maybe as a little side project to give me something else to do besides work. Stranger things have happened!

I guess only time will tell.