Is Anyone Really OK These Days?

“I am not OK. But I will be ok.” These are words that I first heard earlier this year from a mother who had just lost her eldest son in a tragic car accident. And it has become my new mantra — helping me to get through each day right now.?

Like so many other people, I have had my share of heartache over the last 18 months… from the abrupt end of the world as we knew it early last year, to having to lay-off friends and colleagues shortly thereafter, to family health issues, both physical and mental, to my own (minor) health issues… it has been a steady stream of challenges to surmount and overcome. But all of those things combined pale in comparison to the recent news that my 82 year old dad, who happens to live with us, is terminal and will succumb to liver failure in the coming months.?

The strange thing is that this (the knowledge that dad will not be with us much longer) is not new. The possibility of his death has loomed over us for over a quarter of a century now… since about the time of his second heart attack. He has had three more since then, bringing the total to five in the last 30 years. And we have come close to losing him several times. But while you might imagine a frail, diminished man with a bad heart, the reality of my dad has been so different. He has been a force of personality, with a vibrancy and will to live that has belied his underlying health issues. He has lived his life “larger than life” — not letting his health stop him from doing the things he loves, including traveling to Mexico for the winter right before Covid lockdown.?

So it’s hard to watch Dad slowly extinguish, to see his will to live be slowly smothered by his physical inability to do so. And the weight of it, the uncertainty of it all, is certainly taking its toll on me. While it’s not hard to focus at work, in fact work is a welcome distraction, I have a big job that requires a lot of emotional energy and I often feel inadequate, knowing that I don’t have enough of that emotional energy right now, given what’s going on in my personal life, to give to the job I love. The stress I feel at home combined with the stress I feel at work almost cripples me some days. The pressure I feel not to let anyone down, at home or at work, keeps me up at night and steals joy from my days. I am not exaggerating when I say that I’m holding on by my fingernails.?

So what do I do when it all feels like too much and I’m just holding on by a thread? Well first, I keep holding on. I grew up with the expression “when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hold on”. (Thanks Mom.) So that is always my first go to… hanging on with the knowledge that things will eventually get better. And I’m doing my best to be gentle with myself. It’s hard, though, as I see myself not living up to my own standards… the weight gain, the Covid hair, the messy house, just to name a few… it all adds to the burden of overwhelm I’m already feeling.?

And I know I’m not alone. These are tough times that we’re living in. Covid fatigue is real. And almost everyone I know is carrying their own burden of some kind. People that I might turn to for support are engrossed in their own personal challenges. People are working hard to stay employed, find a job, stay afloat or keep up with the work that is coming their way. Parents are aging. Kids are struggling with mental health issues and / or home from school for weeks or months at a time. It is not easy for any of us these days.?

I do consider myself blessed, though, because I work for a company that puts wellbeing at the heart of everything we do. And I have the tools at my fingertips to help manage my stress, my anxiety, my sleeplessness and my poor habits, if and when I need them. And I have support from my husband at home, friends & family around the world, and my team at work to help me through. I know one day all of this will be over and I’ll be able to get back to taking better care of myself. Until then, I just need to admit that it’s not OK right now. And trust that one day it is going to be OK again.