Anyone is Everyone

Anyone is Everyone

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main… Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” – John Donne.

Anyone's child is everyone's child. Anyone's parent is everyone's parent. Anyone's teenager is everyone's teenager.

Humans have the innate, natural ability to relate to each other, act as an extended family, and care for each other because we recognize ourselves in each other’s experience.

Alloparenting is a term used to classify any form of parental care provided by an individual towards young that aren't its own direct offspring. Among humans, alloparenting is often performed by a child's grandparents and older siblings. Individuals providing this care are referred to using the neutral term of alloparent (or "helper").

Alloparenting is common in humans because offspring are weaned relatively early (two years), and human brains require an extended maturation time. Because of alloparenting, it has been seen that offspring grow at faster rates and are often weaned earlier. Children born into an extended family are often seen as the whole family’s responsibility, not just the birth parents. Grandparents and siblings are usually the second line of care, followed by aunts and uncles, cousins, babysitters, teachers, neighbours, etc. While it's true that babysitters and nursery/kindergarten teachers are paid to care for children, many of them work in those positions because they feel a sense of responsibility to care for children. After all, children belong to everyone. Therefore, caring for those lesser than us is a natural, biological aspect of being human.

I benefited greatly from being born into a large, extended family. When my father left the home when I was 3, my grandmother moved in and helped care for us three children. She was not only my mother's mother but also our mother. My aunt also lived with us. She also became a second mother to us. She saw my mother (her older sister) as her second mother. My aunts (natural and in-law) assumed the role of second mother to my siblings and me. My uncles (natural and in-law) were very much like second fathers to me. My older female cousins were like older sisters to me, and my older male cousins were like older brothers.

As a collection, all the children of my grandmother's eight children were treated like children of the whole family. Because of this kind of social hierarchy, there was increased affection, attention, security, protection and parental support. This kind of social interaction was never by written agreement. It was understood that in our family, alloparenting was expected from the adults and guaranteed to the children.

My uncles and aunts stepped in with financial support when my father left our family. When my mother worked her four or five jobs, my grandmother had her back. We were a tribe.

This was not exclusive to our family. I suggest that many large families act in the same way. It is a human expression of the bond of love, respect, care, and commitment.

When my teenage friend Robbie joined our St. Clarens Street gang, and we learned that he had recently lost his mother to cancer, Tony's mother made sure he understood he could eat at their home any time. She was very concerned about him and did her best to show him care and support. She empathized with his position, felt for his loss and tried her best to make sure he felt welcomed in her home as one of her children. No one paid her to empathize and care. It was entirely natural to her. Her daughter Rita grew up to be a foster parent to many abandoned and abused children.

My mother treated my friends Tony, Carmen, Robbie and Andy like they were her sons. My friends came in and out of our house like it was their home. In many ways, our street was like a collective. When something serious happened to one of us boys, it happened to the street community. We teenagers couldn’t do much on the street without our parents finding out. That kind of reporting was for our protection.

So, relating, empathizing, and caring are part of being human. But so is not relating, empathizing, and caring part of our programming. Unfortunately, a tragic number of people do not care and act in the world, making humanity a lesser experience.

People who cannot or refuse to relate to the suffering of others, who cannot empathize with other people's feelings and predicaments, who not only refuse to care for others but commit crimes of violence and suffering against individuals, commit those crimes against humanity.

Many years ago, I left the local Home Depot and, from my car, I watched an angry mother take her child by the hand from the store to their vehicle. All the way to the car, she yelled and screamed at him. She first looked around to see if anyone was looking and then struck the child several times. I got out of my car and confronted her. I explained that she was not allowed to hit her child like that under any circumstances. She told me to shut up and mind my own business. I told her it was my business to defend and protect her child because that child was not just her child. That child, I explained, was everyone's child. I called 911 and reported what I had witnessed. The mother was distraught with me and demanded I call them back and cancel the call. I refused.

Within minutes, Durham police arrived, and I explained that I had witnessed child abuse and felt obligated to report it. She didn't just pat him on the bum. She held his arm with her left hand while she slapped his face and head several times with her right hand. She looked around first and took him between the cars precisely because she knew it was wrong and didn't want a witness. She explained to the police that she was reprimanding her child for acting up, and it was not as severe as I made it look. I told the policeman that he was responsible for serving and protecting the child, and if he did not, he failed that child. He took my information and told me he would speak to the lady about striking her child and warn her not to do it again. I left.

I don't know what happened to that child after that. Crimes are primarily committed in secret because criminals know right from wrong and don't want to be caught doing what they know is either wrong or against the law.

When a child is abused mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually, it is not only an individual crime but a crime against all children. Most well-adjusted humans understand they are responsible for protecting children from harm.

This may be wishful, idealistic thinking.

Unfortunately, we are increasingly socialized into silos, and the silos serve to divide us by race, nationality, income, wealth, assets, politics, religion, age, education, etc. The silos also insulate us from the responsibility to act in ways that could alleviate the suffering of others. The silos promote the idea of other people being "them" instead of "us." The challenge for each of us is to reach beyond our silo, try to see ourselves in others, and awaken our caring to action.

In every country and every age, the vulnerable are failed. Children and the elderly are abandoned and abused; because it is out of sight, it is out of mind. Still, all of humanity suffers when the vulnerable are failed. Humanity is one large family. Every human is everyone's relation, whether they lived in the past, now, or in the future. Humans today have a continuing responsibility to care for each other.

Care now is respect for those past (because we are caring for their descendants) and those to come (because we are caring for their ancestors). The opposite is also true. When we fail to care for others, when we fail to protect those who are violated, abused, mistreated, abandoned and neglected, we fail past, present and future humanity. I would argue that causing suffering in others is antithetical to being human. That’s why we call murderers and violent people “inhuman.”

Likewise, it cuts across the human grain when we fail to act to care for those who suffer and are at risk. It’s not easy being the best people we can be. Personal sacrifice and care are sometimes hard work – kindness requires us to be the best humans we can be. As my grandmother used to say, “kindness costs nothing.”