Anxious: I just don't have what it takes to deal with life.

I go to dance class every Tuesday evening. It is an amazing, welcoming, warm, heartfelt group of women, led by a teacher of an inspiring presence, a powerful space-holder. It’s a place where I feel held, accepted, and free. We all do. We dance, yes, we move, but we also talk, feel, touch, listen, share, hold space for each other, witness each other’s transformations. In short, it’s a safe space.

Yet, anxiety can enter even the safest of spaces. And it spreads like a ...

One minute we’re talking, sharing, laughing. The next someone mentions a sore throat. Another mentions they’ve been in touch with someone who had a sore throat and was covid positive the next day. Four days ago. Another asks if we’ve been tested. Another mentions “We’ve never before received emails informing us someone’s had a cold”. Another comments that now with all the measures down, the number of cases is growing again. “Not every sore throat is covid.” “But what if it is?” “I teach singing, if I have a sore throat, I can’t work.” “We need to trust each other that we are responsible grown-ups.” “But are we, really, and do we all have the same idea of what responsible means?” And there we have it, tension growing, circle breaking, safe space shattering under our words that are invisibly turning into shields and weapons. “Are we all ok now,” asks the teacher, palpably agitated. Silence. Obviously, we’re not. “Let’s at least open the window.” “If we open the window, I’m leaving, I have a sore throat.” “I’m leaving, too, I can’t risk it.” The tension still growing, growing, growing. It’s impossible to say exactly where it started, but once it was in the room, it just crept up all of our legs and started shrinking our heart space.

I’ve been through this before. I’ve had workshops turn sideways and take a rollercoaster ride through fears and feelings upon news of someone getting sick or getting a positive test result. And I know all of us have in the past two years. All seems fine, and we all feel safe, and then like a crack in the woods that sends a whole bird flock lying, someone asks a question or uses a tone that instills doubt, and trust and safety shatter like a house of cards.

Anxiety is an emotion that we most often feel like something gripping our ribcage, like a pressure on our chest. The term “anxiety” comes from latin “angere”, meaning to press, to tighten. Cognitively, we feel like we do not have what it takes to cope with life and our future in general. We feel unprepared for life. The intensely unpleasant emotion motivates us to find someone who can protect us and take care of us. Small children feel anxious whenever they are separated from their parents, because they literally cannot survive on their own. The anxiety keeps them close and safe. As they grow up and gain capabilities to take care of themselves, they don’t feel as anxious anymore. As adults, most of us learn through experience to trust our abilities to handle life.

Anxiety is different from nervousness and worry, though all of these emotions are about the future. We are nervous when we feel unprepared for a specific situation in the future, like a performance or an interview. We are unsure we are prepared enough, so we get “the nerves” or “stage fright”. This nervousness is meant to motivate us to prepare and warm up for the task that awaits us.

Worry is a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future. We worry about things we know or can imagine; it’s about something specific. We worry the plane might crash. We worry we might get sick. We worry our kids will get hurt. Our worry motivates us to do what needs to be done to reduce the probability of these bad things happening – but worrying itself is not helpful for coping if there is nothing (more) we can do to prevent an unfavorable outcome.

Anxiety can be a trait, which means some people tend to be more anxious, also in situations where they really are quite capable of dealing. In these cases, anxiety is unproductive and unhealthy. If you feel unable to deal with quite usual tasks, such as meeting new people or going grocery shopping, it’s best to seek out support by a mental health professional.

However, we are sometimes (and in the last few years more often than before), faced with situations where our capability to deal with life in general really is put into question. When we face situations we have never experienced before, that threaten to turn our life upside down and we do not know how we might be able to cope, anxiety is a completely normal state. When there is war going on somewhere close to home or when there is a constant threat of a potentially deadly disease, it is natural and normal to feel anxious. We really do not know if we have the capacity to deal with it. Or we know we don’t (yet).

Anxiety puts us in constant fight-or-flight mode. We are always on the lookout; and when our brain is focused on keeping us safe in a dangerous world, everyone quickly looks like an enemy. When you’re anxious, even people you like, trust, even love, suddenly seem like they might be after you. Innocent comments trigger whole storylines of “I knew I should never have trusted you,” and “You are not safe for me”. We become defensive, and our defenses trigger other people’s defenses, and so it spreads.

Anxiety feels like someone is pumping air out of the room and suddenly, everyone is having difficulty breathing. Everyone is on edge and more alert, more ready to react to minor stimuli that is suddenly perceived as a threat. It is no wonder people have been especially difficult to deal with (myself included) in the past few years. An intolerance for uncertainty is an important contributing factor. The more we feel the need to be in control, the more likely we are to experience anxiety.

Let me say that again.

The more we feel the need to be in control, the more likely we are to experience anxiety.

Because we are not in control. We never were. It was just easier to pretend. In our little dance group, we danced it out. Opened the windows, put on music, let our body experience the excitation and let it flow through us and let it go. We surrendered to the process and it's helped us realize that the threat hasn't really changed - we just felt the sudden rush of not having things under control. And control had always been an illusion anyway.

Anxiety is constructive when there is real threat and we do not have a plan, a strategy, the skills and means to cope with what’s coming. For me, it is really helpful to think through my anxiety by planning my worst fears. “What do I do if …?” We generally have three things we can do: find someone stronger and more capable to keep us safe, increase our own capabilities or get out of the threatening life situation.

The war is making everyone anxious, because many of us in this privileged bubble never thought this might happen here and now, in this time and space. We have not been raised to survive war, to cope with violence, to plan for food shortage or pack an escape backpack. We don't have what it takes. When we feel anxious, it really helps to explore deeper. What is it that we feel we’re lacking to cope with the future? Is it true that we don’t have it? If so, how can we learn it, gain it, find it? Who can support us in this endeavor? What can we do to be better equipped for the unpredictable future? Who has the capabilities to deal with this situation and how can we seek their protection, help and support? Who can we count on?

How can we rely on each other more?

How do we stay connected and powerful?

In uncertain times, it is crucial we have leaders we can trust to take care of us.

Choose that leader. Promote that leader. Vote for that leader.

Be that leader.

Note: I am not talking about anxiety as trait or generalized anxiety disorder. If you feel like your anxiety is more of a trait than a state, or is taking over your life in more ways than you like, please consult your doctor and consider reaching out to a mental health professional For Slovenian readers, find more information at DAM - Dru?tvo za pomo? osebam z depresijo in anksioznimi motnjami, www.nebojse.si. 90% of anxiety disorders can be fully treated and individuals fully recover if they seek help.