Anxiety is a B-word

Last weekend, my wife and I went to the movie Inside Out 2. We loved the sequel as much as the prequel. We shared opinions of what might be our main emotion and why, in between, we particularly resonate with the emotion: Anxiety. Everyone who has lived most of the teenage, young adults and adults years must be familiar with this emotion.

Today, I want to share my story of anxiety, and how I lived through it. (Well...I'm still living with it.)

I was what my neighbors and teachers in the 90' would say "Hooligan" when I was a kid, I had this ridiculous confidence, ego and particularly naughty, I skipped classes to pretend as one of the students in gym classes to play basketball, dodgeball, and swimming for the whole afternoon, I stole stuffs from shops, I tricked teachers walking into the wrong classrooms or skipping tests (It actually worked many times!), I tricked teachers sitting on a broken chair and I faked my parents' signature on my report cards.

I always thought that I'm better than everyone else simply because I can outwit everyone.

Then, my senior year in highschool comes, somehow, reality hit me and it hit me hard. I realized that everyone was talking about what college or university they want to go. Simply speaking, I didn't know anything about it. It was my first anxiety attack (I love the depiction inside of the Riley's head when the anxiety attack kicked in.). Fast forward to the university, I got admitted to the not-so-great-but-not that-bad university to study the only stuff that I'm actually good at: English, I was able to do so many crazy stuffs, adventures, events and had so much fun with my friends, simply because it was the first time ever that I am away from my parent and I can do whatever I want.

Then, my senior year in the university comes, the anxiety attack striked again. I was totally freaked out when everyone around me suddenly talks about the future, jobs, internship and whatever. I thought the university years were supposed to be fun and worry-free, I had zero plan, I didn't know what to do, I had no idea what jobs that might suit me. To make things worse, I had no one else to talked to but me, simply because of the "I should be better than everyone, I should be crushing this career non-sense." type of ego.

After graduation and military service, I basically applied to every job opportunities I can lay my hands on: shop clerk, real estate agent, insurance salesman, construction worker, you name it. I was even considering signing up for military service as a full-time soldier. Eventually, I got a job as an English teacher at a local language institute and later, I was fortunate enough to be a flight attendant based in Hong Kong for 7 years.

The truth is, the feeling of Anxiety never really goes away, and being a flight attendant was a pretty lonely job. Your vacations or day offs were different than everyone else, you seldom got leaves on major holidays, and it's very difficult to establish real relationships with any of your colleagues due to the shear number of 10000+ crew members in the company, you basically fly with total strangers every time, even if you're able to fly with someone again, you still forget their names. Also, every crew got different flight shift every month, and it's very difficult to find the same day off to get together.

I didn't know how to be alone at the time, and I didn't have to be with myself alone my entire life until that very moment. The loneliness and the thoughts in my head accumulated over time, along with the good'o pal: Anxiety. It finally broke out again 3 and the half years after joining when I was alone in the crew hotel in Boston, I suddenly woke up in the middle of my sleep, awake as day, my body was stiff, I can't move a finger, and I felt the walls were closing in, my vision darkened, my fists clenched, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't yell, and the only sound I can hear was my own heart beats and weird murmur, and every minute felt like a lifetime. I didn't know how long it goes by, when I can finally breathe, my thoughts are running loose like a wild horse, goods or bads. I've never felt so terrible and helpless before, especially when you were alone and tens of thousands of miles away from your family. It was a unforgettable moment in my life.

Luckily, my corporate insurance at the time covered the mental health program, I went to a few therapist sessions per month after that flight, including 1:1 talks, and group sessions to learn how to be alone with myself and how to deal with Anxiety on a daily basis. They truly helped but I'm not sure if that really "fixed" me or not, but eventually, I was calm, and the frequency of anxiety attack dropped from once per month to once per year.

After pandemic, I got laid off because the airline couldn't afford such a big crew community and the cashflow was pretty much dead at the time, so I went back to Taiwan. At the time, everything felt like all over again, I'm still at the ground zero, I didn't know what to do as a job, I was burning through my savings, and it looked like nothing's changed. But then, something had changed in my mind, I started noticing the things I've learned over the past 7 years as a flight attendant. I knew how to profile a person, interact with people, know their stories, understand their needs and helping them anything possible. They are my things and I'm good at them! I should really make the best out of them.

Finally, I started my next phase in career as a headhunter/recruiter/career coach. I can share my own experience and expertise to help anyone with their career. It was very difficult from start, a lot of time and effort put into it, basically no SOPs on how to be a successful headhunter/recruiter/career coach, so I did quite a lot of research and attended courses, got certificates, and especially learned a lot from my mentor from the previous company. The best part is, the anxiety attack never come back since then.

Today, I can be confident when someone asked for help with their career.

"How can I best assist you?" is a training and a service phrase I learned when I went through in-flight service training program as a flight attendant, and now it has incorporated into my service and everyday life.

Anxiety is a b-word, only if you surrender. Seek helps, talk to your friends, there's no shame in admitting your weakness. You ask and the help will come, always!

Schedule a talk with me or a session, let's see how can I help you.