Anxiety is Real and That's Okay

Don’t let the image scare you. I hope it doesn't. A few weeks ago, I found myself at the Regions Hospital Emergency Room in Saint Paul, Minnesota. It was only two years prior that I was there too, the diagnosis at the time was anxiety. Without going into every detail about what happened then, if you are interested to know more, I dedicated an entire podcast episode to it, link for that is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9mxXjY1iAs&t=2333s

????????????The symptoms this time were a bit different. Itchy throat, eyes watering, which led to some slight coughing, that lasted a few less than a week. Then that morning, as our cat woke me up around 3:30 am, something he hadn’t done for months, as I got up to use the bathroom, my left arm felt numb and a tightness in my chest, particularly in the heart area. I tried to remain calm, breathe through it, but it was difficult not to think to myself, “What was happening?”?

I thought the best thing to do was to stop by my clinic’s urgent care and get checked out. As I got dressed, and drove to the clinic, I was brought into a flashback of the state I was in two years ago. Was this a repeat of that? Was this something else? Something worse? Truth is, ever since that incident, I’ve never been quite the same. Feeling a tightness in my chest, from time to time. Was it serious? I wasn’t sure, but I wanted to know.

????????????I had a gut feeling, based on what I experienced and learned the first time out, urgent care might not be able to help diagnose what was happening to me. When it comes to the heart and blood they can only do so much for their patients. I had an inkling that before this day concluded I’d find myself back to the ER.

As I spoke to the nurse and then the doctor, telling them what's been happening I could tell by the expressions on their faces, what was coming. I agreed with their advice and suggestions and decided to go to the ER, only this time, unlike the last time, I requested that they skip calling the ambulance and I’d drive myself.?

By the time I arrived at the main lobby of the ER, I had already begun to feel my body and those symptoms I felt that morning slowly dissipating. I think based on what? I had learned through my previous experience, as my triage was being taken down. A quick note, whenever this person is taking down your information, you should never feel shy, ashamed to share what’s happening. As part of this, I encourage you to be honest and share as much as you can and in as great of detail as you can. Once my vitals were taken, using the EKG monitor, I knew perhaps whatever was happening to me wasn’t as serious, then I should prepare for a long day of waiting.

I sat in that lobby among the other patients, I sat there, opened my book The Payoff Principle by Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and read…and read some more.? All I could think about was just being present and filled with empathy for them. What brought them here today? How are they feeling? Scared? Nervous? Some maybe even calm.

Eventually, I was asked to follow the nurse to the back and led to a stretcher in the hallway. As I laid there in the hallway, waiting and watching as the days working at the hospital occurred right before me, as I read my book, I came across this paragraph in the section Persistence Practice #4: Apply Patience - Refuse to Be Sidetracked. "If you're not the patient type, you can learn to be patient and apply patience...by refusing to be sidetracked. Pain, setbacks, tragedies, disappointments, sickness, and other adversities are always chasing you. At least three or four times a year, one or more of these things will catch up to you or someone you care about. And if you're not careful, they'll distract or sidetrack you, taking your persistence with them." (Pg. 119, Chapter 7: The Payoff Principle.) As I read this paragraph, I felt a little better. I felt like what I was going through was okay, but also, that I need to continue practicing patience when I haven't been wanting to.

3-4 hours later, since entering the ER, after all the tests, they send me on my way. Was it anxiety again? Maybe. If this was the case, where was my anxiety deriving from? As I accepted the truth and let it go, this is what I came up with:

• I was losing faith, doubting myself where I was going to get my next speaking/ facilitating gig.
• I had tasted my dream and goal of doing more of what I really love, what I feel might just be my purpose, and it was all very exciting but then I felt a huge disappointment when I was getting anything coming in. It made me feel trapped, and hopeless, like I continue to run in circles…not able to attain my goals.
• I had grown impatient after I saw what it would be like and feel like.?
• My income had grown and it felt effortless, but now I had nothing coming in.?Which led to thinking that I was never going to get out of what I have been doing before and never break out of the routines and cycles I wasn't as fond of anymore.
• I felt lost, unable to focus as I had been. Not knowing what to do, or what steps to take next, and I froze.?
• Was this a result of also the recent cases of poor air quality?

What has helped me since?

• Remind myself not to diminish my accomplishments.?
• Not to value myself based on how many gigs I got.
• To regain focus, and "go back to the basics."
• I realized I could use this time to tighten up my purpose, my mission, what I offer, and how I go about it. I could develop speeches or workshops and be even more prepared when I share with others.?
• I can do what I can with what I have first. Reach out to those people I’ve been meaning to.?
• I’ve been surrounding myself around others who are open and willing to share with me their experiences, perspectives, and the lessons they gained. Just yesterday, I listened to the Purpose Driven Leadership Podcast with guest Mike White and he shared in great detail the days when he knew that he couldn’t make a payment for the car or mortgage but had to pause and still made the choice to be present for his wife and children (one of them who is my friend Mick White.) Hearing not only Mike’s story but in his own words where his priorities were at any given moment and how his mindset, and integrity, were able to navigate those difficult, challenging moments, but also do so with love, respect, and care for himself and his family.?
• To lean in and towards the great mentors who are open and willing to talk to me and share with me, even when I feel like I don’t have anything to offer them. To trust in them and in the process at the same time.?

I thought this might be a relevant topic to some of you, hoping it sheds some light on those of you that have gone through the same or similar and provides some ways to prepare for it for others who have yet to do.?In an Asian men's group I was meeting with, during our check-in's as I shared what happened, someone brought up to me that perhaps this situation happened because of my successes. I thought that was quite profound. I never thought about that as a possibility. Anxiety can even find its way when we are feeling much joy? Wow!

I used to think anxiety was something I wanted to avoid, but now I'm learning it's more common than I was ever aware of. So many of us have learned ways of dealing with it and that's okay. How do you do it? What do you do? How can I get better or at the least improve my situation? Would love to hear your suggestions and experiences if you'd be willing to share them with me. Thank you!

I don’t want my heart to hurt anymore…as I need it to love so much more!

Be Vulnerable, Be You.?