The Anxiety of an Empty Inbox

Yesterday, a kid knocked on my door, looking for odd jobs. "Do you have anything you need done around the house? My sister and I are trying to help my mom. Our power was shut off."?

And as I tucked my tail between my legs, I told him no, I didn't have any work, wishing I could give him $20 or better. His sister walked across the street, brokenhearted with her bucket for weed pulling, while he held his rake. I had to tell these kids that I was barely getting by myself, eleven days away from my 42nd birthday. I had to say I was sorry that while I had air conditioning, they were stuck in the dark in Texas – where we've not dropped below 100 degrees since early June. Closing the door and saying bye stung, wishing I could have given them one or two small jobs this house needs. That $20 is a pizza for my kids or put fuel in the tank, and it breaks my heart. You never imagine your life in such a place when the highs are high because the lows swing ground level at your toes.?

The job hunt is a grind. Every day, the inbox is full of opportunities but little hope. No matter what, there, always buried in those possibilities, is always a "no thanks," or the "while we appreciate your time, we've decided to pursue other candidates whose experience aligns closer to our objectives." And every day, the grains of sand of the hourglass on how much more you can take dwindle to the bottom. And you hope the grains never fill the other side; you say a silent prayer as you click send repeatedly until the inbox is zero.

It's hard to stay positive when all you want to do is roll up your sleeves and get to work. There's a magical conversation about the job market and its robustness, but why are all the strongest people with undeniable skills considering driving for Uber because no one will say yes??

"Change the keywords, a computer scans the resumes, recruiters don't like slang, have more personality, update your format, don't know too much, don't be too vague, and remember to ask questions at the end of the interview!" That's if you get an interview if you make it through the noise. And then you're supposed not to overthink the interview because you're so excited you have a chance. Still, when you've already covered everything you want to know, you'd better pull a rabbit out of the hat because otherwise, that hot bag for delivering food is very much in your future.?

Who's getting hired? Who are these people landing employment? Who are the lucky ones that don't have creditors calling or T-Mobile purposely throttling their phone data because the payment is late? The same goes for the car when you hear a loud noise outside, hoping it's not the repo man hauling your vehicle away. Walmart groceries taste the same as fine dining when you've got $70 to feed the kids for the weekend.?

They say this is a strong job market, but for who? I know there are jobs like construction that need people, but at 20 years in the game of scribbling down neat catchphrases or writing in-depth analyses of cultural touchstones, it's kinda hard to drop the laptop and pick up a hammer when you're way out of your league. The same goes for jumping back into the service industry when you're over a decade removed and now older with gray hair, freelance gigs that require full attention at the drop of a hat, and two kids every other weekend.?

"You shouldn't be unemployed with your resume." You're right, I shouldn't, but here we are. I want a job. I want to work. I want to write. I want to sit in meetings I know are pointless or talk to a co-worker about their kids, whatever. I want to stop worrying about creditors on my tail and the nightmares of homelessness to stop. I want to give my ex-wife money for the two kids I adore on time. I don't want to stay home; I want to take them to do things, but I can't because we're counting pennies. I never want to be in the position where I'm knocking on someone's door looking to clean up the hedges; I want to be the one who gives $60 instead of $20 because money is in the bank, and I got a few extra bottles of water, too.?

Hopefully, soon, someone will say yes. I'd like to see that in my inbox.